Bah, update!

Okay, so it’s clear that I’ve fallen off the updating wagon again, but I had a pretty good one-year streak going for a while, so I think maybe I should go easier on myself.  I survived my move-out-of-new-york-and-go-on-vacation-with-brian period.  I finished my AmeriCorps orientation and just began my first couple of days at my school.  In the last two days, my coworker and I have just been getting ourselves oriented and situated with the school and some of the reading techniques we’ll be using with the students. I’m both nervous and excited about starting with the kids, but I have a great coworker and I think this year will not be too bad.  It will certainly have its ups and downs, but I’m already looking forward to a life that doesn’t require me to stare at a computer for 8 hours a day.  It feels so liberating to not check my emails until I think about looking at my Blackberry, or not having any time to reply to people’s e-mails, or not know what the day’s biggest news is.  I think this will be a better experience than my last job.  Keep your fingers crossed!

I went to Martha’s Vineyard to visit Brian’s family with him for about a week after I moved out of my apartment.  It was incredibly fun, and I really enjoyed spending time with his family because they are so genuine and so nice.  They seemed to really like me and think that I’m a good influence on Brian, and I’m really glad that they think that because it was really important for me to make a good impression on them. The whole week was just very relaxing and Brian and I got to do some bonding. The goodbye at the airport wasn’t as tear-filled as we thought it would be. We’ve been talking on the phone everyday after work for the last couple of weeks, and he just bought his ticket to come visit for Thanksgiving.  I’m considering spending a week with him for New Year’s.  Things have just been going really well with the distance and our staying in touch. I know I’ve been in two long distances before Brian, but this is definitely very different.  Like I’ve mentioned before in my posts, I think he might be The One, so that’s probably why I feel so much more secure and confident this time around. I don’t suspect that he’s lying to me or cheating on me or not going to follow through on what he promises. With Brian, what I see is what I get, and that is arguably my favorite part about him.  In a nutshell, I’m crazy about him. He’s the first person I think of when I wake up and the last person I think about before I fall asleep. I’m constantly daydreaming about the day we’ll get to live together in the same city. I’m still unsure about whether I want to jump right into moving in with him once we get settled into our new city, but I’m warming up to the idea and could be persuaded once the time approaches. He’s the first person I want to tell my day to and anything interesting that comes up, and I can’t wait until I can do that everyday — in person. He’s quickly become my best friend and trusted confidant, who I feel comfortable telling anything to. Hell, we’ve even started farting in front of each other! Haha, if that’s not intimacy, I don’t know what is (ok, exaggeration).  Anyway, basically our plan is to visit each other every chance we get over the next 10 months, go traveling during the summer, and then settle into the same city. If all things go well, maybe all three things will be accomplished. If not, we’ll figure something else out. All I know is, life is so short, and I just want to spend my time with the person I love and care about. Everyday not spent doing that seems so regrettable.

Living at home has been a slightly touchy adjustment. My intention of coming home was to help out and not get in the way. While that has been going mostly well, there have been some instances of friction. But mainly these situations arise out of miscommunication. My mother is awful at communcation, and like mother, like daughter. So many of my conflicts with CPB last year arose from miscommunication and lack of communication, many times on my part. Don’t get me wrong, CPB was not some communication genius either — far from it. I just know that the main reason why we had so many problems was because TWO people had awful communication skills. Being with Brian has taught me some really useful communication techniques and taught me how to communicate my thoughts clearly and fairly, but it’s very hard to learn something that you haven’t really observed yourself while growing up. So it’s sort of a trial and error process.

The main issue is that I have never felt comfortable enough to approach my family with issues that concerned me. I attribute this largely to the fact that during my formative years, everyone was so busy with everything that was going on that they sort of just left me to my own devices. I can remember many instances during my childhood entertaining myself with little games and tasks because there was nothing I could do to entertain myself. I was not allowed to go outside to play with other kids very often, but at the same time, nobody at home was really emotionally or physically available to be with me. I’m not saying I was neglected, but I could never emotionally connect with my family members. I think that’s probably why I felt so depressed and alone in high school. Almost everyday, I can feel my attachment issues arise in interpersonal relationships — are they not inviting me to this event? Am I not well liked enough to join? What if this person’s not being honest with me? I can rarely admit that I’m wrong during conflicts because I’ve never been taught to be okay with being wrong and to discuss it.

There are just a lot of issues that have been left over from childhood that I’m still struggling with everyday. However, by knowing that I have these ongoing issues, it makes it easier for me to repress irrational thoughts. I frequently stop myself before I say or act on something irrational towards Brian. I know that my thoughts are irrational and I just need to let them pass before I say anything at all. Brian is so good for me that I would hate to think that my own insecurities or inabilities would push him away. Basically, these are some of the thoughts that have been floating around in my mind for the last few weeks.

I need to blog more often.

#41

I haven’t properly blogged in a really long time, but that’s mainly because so many of things I’ve had to deal with have been extremely painful to think about, let alone to write about. I try to compartmentalize a lot of the negative emotions I feel every single day at work, so that when I come home, I can just sort of hide in my own world and try to do what I need to do (e.g. study for the LSAT).  I haven’t had the energy or the time, really, to see anybody, which has definitely taken a toll on my psyche and emotional health. I have never felt as lonely as I do now, and I have never felt as homesick as I do now. There have been many times during the day when I feel like catching the next flight back to the West Coast, crawling into my bed at home, and curling up into a fetal position for weeks. If I could do that, I think I could release all of this pent-up fatigue and frustration. I hate to admit it, but the stress of being alone after college — without any family or friends nearby — is starting affect me deeper than I thought it ever could. I hate to be one of the statistics of  young people who can’t handle the Real World, but alas, I am one in a million. It kills me.

For the past few weeks, CPB has reverted back to her manipulative ways, and the firm has failed to address successfully this problem. She was not reprimanded in any way, and if anything, she seemed to be in the right. It seems that my advocacy and voice fell on deaf ears. Some have encouraged me to try again, and to make clear that this is a serious, recurring issue. But I am tired. I am tired of thinking about this. I am tired of having to deal with this. I am tired of trying to stand up for myself and have nothing come of it. I really, really, really just want to quit this job. I know there are 25 people lined up outside who would kill for this job, and you know what? They can have it. Every single one of them. Because I am sick of being treated like shit and sick of being invisible.  I know I don’t deserve this, so I need to create options for myself. I dont know when I can quit or what I’ll do when I quit, but I am hoping it is soon.

On top of all of this, I am studying for the LSAT yet again. I have exactly two months left, and I am not anywhere near where I need to improve on this exam. I am constantly frustrated at the lack of time and energy I can devote to this exam because of the ridiculousness I need to deal with at work. The last thing I thought I’d need to worry about for the next two years ended up being the primary concern of my everyday life. This is completely uncalled for, and I can’t help but feel like a 3-year-old crying, “Life isn’t fair!” But I am. And that is truly how I feel. I am sick of feeling this way. I am sick of things not being handed to me. Since high school, I have always felt that I needed to work 10x as hard as everyone else just to keep up and be in the 50th percentile. I am sick of having to work so hard just to be mediocre. Why can’t things just come to me naturally?

I have so many things that are constantly becoming a nuisance in my life that the thought of having a long distance relationship with Brian is starting to strain and sour. It’s not that I don’t like him anymore, and it’s not that I don’t want to see him, but the fact that he is so far away almost makes it easy to forget that this relationship even exists. I am so absorbed in all of these things in front of me that I am honestly incapable of thinking about him as an entity. I know that sounds utterly selfish and ridiculous, but that is how I feel. It’s hard to even plan on seeing him on a certain weekend when I don’t even know how much time I’ll have to myself to study during the week. If I see him, I’ll get no studying done, and I can’t afford that right now, especially if I’m not accomplishing as much as I want during the week.

Little things about him are also starting to bother me. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m just getting stressed out and frustrated over my own life, and now I’m just nit-picking. I probably am, which is why I haven’t voiced any of these complaints, because I know they’re probably just remnants of  frustration and anger from my own life. I know I can’t take it out on him, but it’s hard to see it that way when you’re thinking about things in such a negative way. It bothers me that he hasn’t really offered any real advice in terms of how I should go about the CPB situation. It bothers me that he keeps asking me when he can see me when he clearly knows that I am absorbed in studying for this test. I almost want to say, “Look, you’re not going to law school; I am.  This is the rest of my life. I don’t even know if you’ll be in my life a year from now, but this test determines the rest of my life. I’m sorry, but this is way more important than you.” But of course, I can’t say that. It would be disastrous and teleport me straight to hell. 

All in all, my life is in shambles, and I’m not sure what the hell I’m supposed to do about it.

I was talking to my good friend Kim today, and she asked me whatever happened between me and Vicky. I guess I neglected to ever share that story with Kim, even though I thought I had. Retracing that story and re-analyzing that story made me think about Vicky all over again. Not in the obsessive way that I did before, but just the general feeling of regret and sadness that I was never able to reconcile with Vicky. I really did care about her and wanted so badly for things to return to normal between us, but it really was impossible. And I hate that. I shared so many good memories with her, and I wish I could still talk to her and get advice from her, especially during this time. It would just be so good if I could reconnect with her and some of her other friends. I really need as many connections as I can get in this city right now. I feel so fucking alone. I can’t stand this. I can’t stand the fact that I have no family on the East Coast. I can’t stand the fact that if I’m feeling like shit, I can’t just take the train or bus home for the weekend to recuperate. Instead, I have to go home to my little apartment and dwell over the emotions without having anyone to lean on. It is so fucking lonely. I am so fucking lonely.

Crossing a Line

After all these months, I finally did something about CPB. I finally spoke up and defended myself against an unreasonable, petty tyrant.  A couple of days ago, we had another confrontation in her office, in which, as always, she accused me of not doing my job and not listening to her directions. She proceeded to end the conversation in the most immature way — told me to “try harder” and turned away from me to end the conversation. It was like arguing with a teenager. The next day, as we tried to “constructively” continue the conversation, I continued to defend myself against her accusations and claims, all of which were unsubstantiated — not to mention, after the fact. She drew up examples from weeks prior, but at the time, had not made any of her opinions known at the time. Thus, it was impossible for me to know that she was unhappy with anything until this reckless confrontation. When I spoke up to defend myself, I think I pressed a button in her that pushed her over an emotionally unstable edge that she had never gone across. She ended up crossing a line on every level possible — professional and personal. She drew up personal attacks and even threatened my job security. She called me “selfish” and “narrow-minded” and told me that if I involved any “higher level people” that it would “not be in my best interest.” Mind you, my job security depends very little on her say. You could say it doesn’t, actually. I work for the partners and the client, not her.

Anyway, after sleeping on it and speaking to my co-workers about it, I decided to tell the office manager about the confrontation and the months of abuse that I and my coworker have had to endure since August. The office manager was efficient in getting the hiring partner involved, and told me that I should never find myself in that situation. She truly championed for me and my coworker, and for that, I am relieved. I was afraid that she and the hiring partner would take CPB’s word over mine, but I came to the conclusion the night before that if that were the case, it would be confirmation for me to leave the firm. However, she was completely supportive and efficient in getting the information across to the partners. 20 minutes, the hiring partner went into CPB’s office and talked with her for a good half hour.

I have yet to see what the real consequences of my actions were, but I have hope that things will improve from now on. And if anything else, I can walk away knowing that I stood up for myself and didn’t stand by as someone bullied me into staying quiet about an unhealthy work environment. In a way, I am glad that she crossed that line the day prior because it gave me the initiative and the proper ammunition to take action. Her personal attacks were unjustified on every level, whether or not I have been doing my job. I don’t expect or even want an apology from her; it was the principle that I championed. I had to stand up for myself because even though I am on the bottom of the office totem pole, so to speak, I have a right to be respected and to work in a healthy environment. If you want to have a professional conversation, then be constructive. Nobody talks to me that way, and I finally did something about it.

On Friday, I felt like I won one for the little guy.

Change of Plans

Let’s be honest. I have no idea what I want. I want to have meaningful sex, but I don’t want a relationship. I’m lonely, but commitment scares me. I want stability, but the idea of routines scares me. I want excitement, but I’m painfully risk-averse. I want spontaneity, but stability provides a sense of security. I want love, but I can’t commit. I want to commit, but the idea stifles me and makes me claustrophobic. I don’t know what the hell I want.

This leaves me with a handful of very odd choices that I continue to make, even though I know they’re terrible for me. On the one hand, Jason is kind, though a little too awkward for my liking. And I don’t think I find him physically attractive. On the other hand, I am dying for butterflies in my stomach, or at least some spunk in my love/lust life. I haven’t felt butterflies for anyone in a really long time. The last person, I believe, whom I felt excitement for was Dylan. And that turned out horribly. Maybe my desire for excitement in my life leads me to these ridiculous Craig’s List adventures. I don’t know if I ever mentioned that I met Ethan on Craig’s List, but I did. I also met Adam on Craig’s List, as well as a few others under more sketchy circumstances. Last Friday I was so overwhelmed with negative emotions from work and just needed to do something reckless, so I posted an ad on Craig’s List under “casual encounters.” Of all the answers I received (and there were a lot!), one guy stood out and he lived relatively close by. I was thisclose to inviting him over to my apartment, or even going to his, but at the last minute, I decided not to. First of all, I was exhausted from weeks of tortuous work. Second of all, I was already drunk off my ass, and anything I did then, I knew would inevitably lead to regret. So I backed out. He’s been contacting me since, and I don’t really know if I should go through with it. Funnily enough, I’ve had dreams of going through with it in the last few days, either texting him back or actually having sex with him. Even though things are progressing with Jason, albeit very slowly, I’m not sure if this would qualify as infidelity. We haven’t established anything officially, and I’m not even sure if I want to establish anything. I kind of want to see what this guy from Craig’s List has to offer. I made it clear that I didn’t want a relationship, so he knows this is sex only. It might actually add some excitement to my life to have some satisfying sex after a long day of CPB’s abuse.

This is the type of dilemma that leads to me make choices that I later regret. But there are always parts of me that wonder, “Well, what is there to lose?” I’m just so hungry for excitement and endorphine injections of any kind right now. CPB and work have drained me so much that I feel like a mindless, soulless drone most of the time. And you know, this is precisely what drives me insane. Here I was thinking that the last thing I needed to worry about for the next couple of years was my job. That I was working at a great firm with great people, and was earning a decent income that would allow me to quit with more than enough money to go traveling afterward. Now I’m contemplating quitting even before my year is up! And it all leads back to CPB, who I hate with a passion and wish with all the molecules in my being that something in this situation could change. Now I’m searching for a new job and hoping that something will come up in time so that I can quit in June, instead of August. Now I’m wondering if I should even get another apartment after my lease expires in August because I might not even be here anymore! CPB, unfortunately, has changed my entire 2-year plan in just three short months. Bravo, CPB, bravo. Fucking wench.

Emotional P.O.W.

I am the emotional P.O.W. of the woman I work for. Let’s just call her “CPB,” which stands for “Crazy Psycho Bitch.”  I cannot stand working for her anymore. I cannot stand this job anymore. I must plan my exit. It has been five weeks since I last discussed my job, and no, things have not improved.  If anything, they have worsened.  Conditions are so inhospitable and hostile that I’m afraid I might quit even before my time is up. She terrorizes me and my co-worker to the point where we are so demoralized and so beaten up emotionally that we have nothing left in ourselves. There is no more fire. There is no more silver lining. There is just pure hate. We cannot stand her, and we cannot endure working for her for much longer. And nobody in the office knows of this dynamic except for us. She is so abusive and manipulative that I just can’t see how any of this can possibly go unnoticed. She picks on every little thing we do wrong, and she goes ballistic on things she doesn’t even understand. And she takes out the frustrations she feels from the partner out on us. She’ll yell at us about not understanding her instructions and then realize that she was wrong in the first place. But never will she think that maybe her instructions aren’t clear enough or that she changed her mind. No, it’s always our fault. She might apologize later for going ballistic on us for no good reason, but what good does that do when she keeps acting like this? It’s simply abusive and intolerable. She has so deeply affected me that even 3 days into my week-long vacation, I was still reeling from the anger and frustration that I felt the afternoon after I left the office. That is how deeply she has affected me.

And yet, I cannot quit. Not yet. Maybe not even in June or even August of next year. With the eonomy the way it is, and my dreams of traveling costing so much, I may have to bite the bullet and endure this abuse until at least Spring 2010. Sometimes I honestly don’t know if I will make it that long, and sometimes I want to quit on the spot. If the urge continues, there’s no telling what might happen. My only hope now is to see what kind of jobs are out there and try to apply now to see if I can find anything. I want to maybe work for the government in a similar position. Maybe then the work will be more rewarding. I just know that I am not strong enough to endure this kind of abuse for long. It is simply too tempting to leave, if the opportunity presents itself to me. I hope it does.