Let’s be honest. I have no idea what I want. I want to have meaningful sex, but I don’t want a relationship. I’m lonely, but commitment scares me. I want stability, but the idea of routines scares me. I want excitement, but I’m painfully risk-averse. I want spontaneity, but stability provides a sense of security. I want love, but I can’t commit. I want to commit, but the idea stifles me and makes me claustrophobic. I don’t know what the hell I want.
This leaves me with a handful of very odd choices that I continue to make, even though I know they’re terrible for me. On the one hand, Jason is kind, though a little too awkward for my liking. And I don’t think I find him physically attractive. On the other hand, I am dying for butterflies in my stomach, or at least some spunk in my love/lust life. I haven’t felt butterflies for anyone in a really long time. The last person, I believe, whom I felt excitement for was Dylan. And that turned out horribly. Maybe my desire for excitement in my life leads me to these ridiculous Craig’s List adventures. I don’t know if I ever mentioned that I met Ethan on Craig’s List, but I did. I also met Adam on Craig’s List, as well as a few others under more sketchy circumstances. Last Friday I was so overwhelmed with negative emotions from work and just needed to do something reckless, so I posted an ad on Craig’s List under “casual encounters.” Of all the answers I received (and there were a lot!), one guy stood out and he lived relatively close by. I was thisclose to inviting him over to my apartment, or even going to his, but at the last minute, I decided not to. First of all, I was exhausted from weeks of tortuous work. Second of all, I was already drunk off my ass, and anything I did then, I knew would inevitably lead to regret. So I backed out. He’s been contacting me since, and I don’t really know if I should go through with it. Funnily enough, I’ve had dreams of going through with it in the last few days, either texting him back or actually having sex with him. Even though things are progressing with Jason, albeit very slowly, I’m not sure if this would qualify as infidelity. We haven’t established anything officially, and I’m not even sure if I want to establish anything. I kind of want to see what this guy from Craig’s List has to offer. I made it clear that I didn’t want a relationship, so he knows this is sex only. It might actually add some excitement to my life to have some satisfying sex after a long day of CPB’s abuse.
This is the type of dilemma that leads to me make choices that I later regret. But there are always parts of me that wonder, “Well, what is there to lose?” I’m just so hungry for excitement and endorphine injections of any kind right now. CPB and work have drained me so much that I feel like a mindless, soulless drone most of the time. And you know, this is precisely what drives me insane. Here I was thinking that the last thing I needed to worry about for the next couple of years was my job. That I was working at a great firm with great people, and was earning a decent income that would allow me to quit with more than enough money to go traveling afterward. Now I’m contemplating quitting even before my year is up! And it all leads back to CPB, who I hate with a passion and wish with all the molecules in my being that something in this situation could change. Now I’m searching for a new job and hoping that something will come up in time so that I can quit in June, instead of August. Now I’m wondering if I should even get another apartment after my lease expires in August because I might not even be here anymore! CPB, unfortunately, has changed my entire 2-year plan in just three short months. Bravo, CPB, bravo. Fucking wench.
