Sucks at life.

Remember those existential crises I used to go through almost daily in college? Yeah, they’re back and in full force.  Why and how? Because I’m applying to law schools, which means I need to go back through my college history and relive some unpleasant moments and also realize some unpleasant realities. For one, I flipped out so bad during the September LSAT that I ended up canceling my score. That’s right, I’ll need to take it a third time in December. Am I ready? Probably not. I’m now leaning towards not applying for another year. I’m already so far behind on my applications. My personal statement is a joke. I’m still missing one recommendation, which brings me to my second point. As I still need another recommendation to complete most of my applications, I asked one of my previous History professors to write a recommendation. Albeit I took his class back in 2006, he still remembered me. But let’s just say that he didn’t remember me in the fondest terms. In any case, he basically admitted that his recommendation would be lackluster at best and that I should ask someone else.

Ouch, right?

Yeah, that left a sour-ass taste in my mouth. I wrote back politely and “apologized” for my shyness getting in the way of my overall performance (I got an A in that class).  In any case, I thought it was a dick thing for him to do, but at least he was honest about it.  He could’ve just written a shitty recommendation without ever letting me know, which would’ve been even more dickish. But honestly, when did not speaking up in class qualify as a bad student?? I sure as hell didn’t get that memo.

And of course, this whole ordeal brings me back to my “why am I so lacking?” state of mind in terms of college. That’s pretty much the single most often asked question throughout my college career — why am I so fucking lacking?? Why can’t I be as smart or vocal as my classmates? Why am I so intimidated by a bunch of ivy league douche bags? I know I’m smart, but I have no way of proving any of it. Not even the LSAT can help me prove this. I mean, let’s get serious. The fact that I’ve been trying to take this goddamn test for two years now is a testament to the fact that I am ridiculously lacking. Ridiculously.

Fuck. I suck at life.

girl flirting

I am a sucker for girls who exude confidence and authority.  Oh, and blondes.   Haha, I am such a sucker for blondes.  I work at a year-round school, and this past week had been intersession, meaning that the students had the week off, but had the option of coming to school for half days.  Our theme was pumpkins, so we’d been working with the physical aspects of pumpkins, writing poems about pumpkins, making pumpkin cookies, etc.  The intersession coordinator was a 3rd grade teacher, Mrs. Beck, who is in her mid-30s, married, and has two kids.   She has blonde hair, is lean, beautiful eyes, and a great smile.  She was in charge of the activities and coordinating all the teachers and students for various events.  I saw her pretty regularly this week, whereas I usually see her in passing maybe once or twice a day.  I have to admit that when I first met her, I sort of just wrote her off as a state-school blonde who went into education.  But after working with her, I found her to be incredibly witty, confident, organized, and to the point.  All of a sudden I was attracted to her. I even flirted with her at one point! As a volunteer at the school, I never really have personally engaging conversations with the teachers and never really joke around with them, but when I spoke to her, I wanted to do all of these things.

One thing that’s always struck me about girls is that it is really, really hard to distinguish girl flirtation from girl friendliness. I don’t think guys have this problem, because for the most part, they don’t get that friendly or personal with each other. There’s always that “manly” component, where they don’t talk about emotions or get too emotionally attached to each other, which means they don’t really have intimate interactions the way girls do.  Girls hug, girls touch each other when they’re talking to one another, girl’s wink at one another, girls talk about personal topics without feeling fidgety about them, so on and so forth. It’s so hard to tell whether a girl is really flirting with you, or just being really friendly! Anyway, I could have sworn that I caught Mrs. Beck flirting back with me, but I know that that’s all in my head. The woman’s married, has two kids, and is involved with her own life.  Why the hell would she be flirting with a nobody young’in like me? Still, it’s fun to entertain the idea, and imagine her inviting me into her classroom for a hot make out session.  Haha. Seriously though, I was so turned on by her this week and I could not stop thinking about her and the way she would look without her clothes on.  She has the cutest little body and the most radiant smile. She’s beautiful, and her husband is a lucky man.

I’m a sucker for confident, beautiful blondes. And Indian girls, for that matter (Vicky).

Explore

Recently I’ve been having some very vivid lesbian dreams. As it should have become clear by now, I go through phases of intense attraction to women — the last being Vicky about two years ago.  Since I’ve started dating Brian, those impulses have surfaced less often and with less intensity. I’m still occasionally attracted to girls.  Though the time away from him has allowed these impulses to reappear without inhibition, which may be a good thing.   Since these dreams keep recurring, I haven’t been able to stop fantasizing about being with a woman. I’m not looking for a relationship, but I would love to find someone with whom I have great chemistry and am attracted to just to explore and experiment more where Vicky and I left off.

I haven’t talked to Vicky in almost a year, and I don’t plan to any time soon, especially since I no longer live in NYC.  However, I’ve been looking through our old chat logs and e-mails, and I can’t help but laugh and smile when I read through our conversations and relive the hilarious experiences we had during our last year of college. Those were really good times, and as usual, I walk away from the e-mails feeling regret and remorse for the way things ended. I wish I could talk to her still like any other friend, but I know that is impossible. And when I read the e-mails we exchanged after that night, all I can do is grimace sometimes because they were so awkward and so… hurtful. The way she hid herself away and denied everything and tried to pretend like nothing had happened — it was all just so hurtful and unnecessary.  I wish none of it had happened, but at the same time, I wish it hadn’t ended. I wanted to explore more, and I wanted to explore with a friend, someone I trusted. But it ended, and for what?  Nothing.

If I could have one more chance to experiment with someone with as much chemistry as Vicky and I had, it would be so fulfilling and it would help me tie up the emotional loose ends. I want that.

She said, “You’re a masochist for falling for me.”

Blogging Blitzkrieg

Get ready for a blogging blitzkrieg — there have been way too many thoughts floating through my head, and I’d much prefer to devote one post to each category of thought.  Thus, consider this the starting point and “menu” of these thoughts and posts.

1) Brian

2) Self-analysis

3) Work

No LTRs, please.

I think it may be safe to put any notion of romance on the back burner until 2009.  I am not ready to be in a relationship, no matter how much I think I am. And it’s not because of Spencer or anyone else, really, that has made me come to this decision. It is, honestly, my life and the conditions under which I live that I cannot fully commit myself to anybody or anything right now. I am at a transient place in my life, where I don’t even know if I will stay at my current job after I’ve commited a year. What will I do after this year? No idea. Even though most likely I will stay at this job for another year, I want to leave the option open to pursue other things, and that may very well be outside of the city. I may have to relocate, in which case it would be much easier to pursue this job if I were single. Not that I am afraid to commit because I might relocate. I think the reason is more that I haven’t met anybody whom I would be comfortable committing to knowing that there is a possibility that I might relocate. 

Honestly, I am just not in a place emotionally to give someone my entire heart and all of my time and energy. I am still trying to figure out what I want and who I want. The best scenario is if I could just meet someone to hang out with, to go to concerts with, to eat dinner with, to sleep with, etc. and nothing more would be expected.  I wouldn’t be expected to clear my weekend schedule for this person, and he wouldn’t expect me to do the same either. We would see each other when the occasion arises, and when we do, it would be loads of fun and memories. That is all I want right now. I am simply in no mood for a relationship. Is it really that hard to understand??