New Beginnings

The only thing better than studying history is to witness it.  Today I sat in front of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, DC and stood witness to the swearing in of our nation’s first African-American president. It was truly inspiring to watch how far our country has come, not just in terms of turning a new leaf with the “change” that President Barack Obama talks about constantly, but the progress it has made in the last 60 years. News analysts tend to analyze Obama’s presidency as a progress mainly in the realm of the Civil Rights Movement, but to me, this progress is even bigger. To me, this is a social and cultural progress that is composed of immigrant families from all over the world. This is truly the new face of America. This is truly what it means for America to be a “melting pot.” From now on, people of different colors can serve in leadership positions without anyone giving it a second thought or analyzing the signifance of it because this is the direction our country, and the world for that matter, is moving. The world is progressively becoming more intertwined, and with technology and transportation, our borders become fuzzier and less defined. Soon, we will be of one people, of one global nation. This is only the first step of many more to come.

In other news, I stayed with my friend over the weekend in DC in anticipation of the inauguration. As a gesture of celebration, my friend threw a house party and invited all her friends from GWU. I met one of her friends, Brian, and we hit it off almost immediately. We were, of course, drunk, and kissed several times. He ended up spending the night on the futon and had breakfast with us the next morning. He could barely remember the previous night, which made me a little sad because I wasn’t sure if he could remember that we hit it off really well. But he did, and asked for my number, and if he could call me if he was ever in the city (he lives about an hour away in Connecticut). A couple of days later, my friend said Brian mentioned me and seemed likely to call me. So, we’ll see. Honestly, I’m kind of excited, and I’d be ecstatic if he actually called. He is really cute, smart, and funny, and according to my friend, is a “really good guy.” I couldn’t stop thinking about him the days following the party, and I got excited at the prospect of hanging out with him again in the future. In fact, he is the first guy who has completely taken my mind off of Vicky for an entire two days. That is quite a feat. But! I don’t want to get my hopes up. I just hope that he calls.

Here is to new beginnings of 2009.

Falling Like Leaves

He’s going to hate me when he realizes that there was nothing here to begin with. He’s going to regret doing so much for me and thinking of me the way he does. He’s going to rethink everything he’s known about me so far. 

Well, it’s not easy on this end either. If I’ve learned anything from this whole ordeal, it’s that I need to trust my gut instincts even when I don’t see danger ahead. I knew from the second date that Jason was well-intentioned but dull, compassionate but too ordinary. I knew he couldn’t give me the intellectual and emotional stimulation that I needed to sustain even a semi-serious relationship.  And yet, I let it drag on, thinking that if I really had no good reason to stop seeing him, then I shouldn’t.

But the reality is, not having a good reason to keep seeing him was a good enough reason to stop seeing him. So there, lesson learned. But I will need to wait another 3 weeks to finalize the end with him. We had sex on Saturday, but it was only afterward that I found out that he had been a virgin. Needless to say, it really freaked me out. Not because I thought he had taken his virginity seriously, but because I could tell he had grown even more attached. He revealed many of his emotions that he’d not revealed before, probably because he had been unsure and uncomfortable with himself. But the sex changed everything.

For me, I recoiled and withdrew completely. I was emotionally vacant. I panicked. I couldn’t believe that he had been a virgin. If he had told me before, I would never have agreed to sleep with him. I could never sleep with a virgin knowing that I hadn’t been that interested in him to begin with. It was shallow, vain and selfish. I should have ended this courtship 3 months ago, and I knew it.  But curiosity got the better part of me. I even told a friend that if he hadn’t been good in bed, I was going to end it for good. Now, I feel like ending things with him immediately after taking his virginity would compound the negative consequences. 

His view of relationships and sex will be tainted forever. And I will be responsible for this. Not that I am needlessly beating myself up over this, but it sucks to know that I could’ve contributed to society in this way. Because I never had malicious intent. I just think that Jason needs a girl who understands and appreciates his personality and interests the way I could never do. I am not lucky enough to realize what a kind-hearted and genuine person he is. We are not compatible, and that saddens me more than he could ever imagine. I wish we could work. I wish I were interested in him. But alas, I am not, and I must end this before it goes on for too long.

No LTRs, please.

I think it may be safe to put any notion of romance on the back burner until 2009.  I am not ready to be in a relationship, no matter how much I think I am. And it’s not because of Spencer or anyone else, really, that has made me come to this decision. It is, honestly, my life and the conditions under which I live that I cannot fully commit myself to anybody or anything right now. I am at a transient place in my life, where I don’t even know if I will stay at my current job after I’ve commited a year. What will I do after this year? No idea. Even though most likely I will stay at this job for another year, I want to leave the option open to pursue other things, and that may very well be outside of the city. I may have to relocate, in which case it would be much easier to pursue this job if I were single. Not that I am afraid to commit because I might relocate. I think the reason is more that I haven’t met anybody whom I would be comfortable committing to knowing that there is a possibility that I might relocate. 

Honestly, I am just not in a place emotionally to give someone my entire heart and all of my time and energy. I am still trying to figure out what I want and who I want. The best scenario is if I could just meet someone to hang out with, to go to concerts with, to eat dinner with, to sleep with, etc. and nothing more would be expected.  I wouldn’t be expected to clear my weekend schedule for this person, and he wouldn’t expect me to do the same either. We would see each other when the occasion arises, and when we do, it would be loads of fun and memories. That is all I want right now. I am simply in no mood for a relationship. Is it really that hard to understand??

Forgettable Affairs

As it has probably been obvious in the last year or so, I’ve had more forgettable affairs than I care to think about. Some have lasted a little longer than a month, others lasted a few days, or even a few hours. My love life has gathered more cobwebs than I care to count. There’s a part of me that wishes I had someone to share my life with, and then there’s a part of me that doesn’t know what I want — a relationship or not? Maybe it’s one of those things where you don’t know what you want until you’ve found it. I can’t even articulate what I want.

I thought I wanted to be with someone, but in the last month or so, the two people I’ve dated just seemed so… meh. Adam was a kind and considerate person, but he was too self-involved and didn’t seem to understand that a conversation is a two-way street. Nobody likes monologues on a date. He constantly interrupted me, and then proceeded to ask questions like, “Why don’t you ever talk about yourself?” Cue the eye-rolling. Plus, he refused to let me pay, and put up a real fight when I insisted. It was intense, and it’s a threat to my femininity. I stopped replying to his text messages and e-mails.  I think he gets the message. I thought about ending it in a “mature” way, but then I realized that I’d only gone on three dates with the guy, so I don’t think it’s that big of a deal.

Then there’s Jason, who I met through a friend. He’s also… nice. Quiet and shy, and a little more awkward than I like. I like awkward guys sometimes, but not when they are too awkward. I’m not sure whether he likes me or not, but I don’t think I’m attracted to him. There’s just no spark, and I don’t really think we have that much in common besides the fact that we are both interested in the legal profession. I think he’s a really great guy, and I’d love to be friends with him, but everyone knows men and women can never be friends. I guess we’ll just see.

I want to meet someone who…

• makes me excited for the day when I wake up.  
• understands my dry sense of humor and can dish back exactly what I dish to him. 
• makes me laugh until my stomach hurts and milk is coming out of my nose. 
• shares my passion for good food, good beer, and good music. 
• loves to cook, travel, watch TV, and play video games just as much as he loves to explore new music, new bars, and new restaurants in the city. 
• is not afraid to pay the cover or the ticket price to get into a concert for a band he’s never heard of. 
• wants to be spontaneous for a date, because he knows that it’s not about what you do but who you’re with that makes a night fun. 
• can teach me something new.
• makes me want to be the best person I can be every single day.

But at the end of the day, and after all these criteria, I really just want… spark.  Why is it so hard to find someone with whom you have chemistry and a connection?

Why Bother Anymore?

I’m not sure if I should really bother anymore with dating for a while.  Not like I put a lot of effort into it in the first place, but when I do, nothing fruitful ever occurs.  I’ve gone on two dates in the last 3 weeks and neither have turned out spectacularly. The first one was a disaster, probably the worst date I’ve ever had.  I never realized what charismatic guys I went out with until this one — he made them all look like saints, including Spencer! Believe it or not. The second one, I just came back from. He was a good kid, and I liked him and we had a good conversation, but there was just no spark, no physical attraction.

That’s the problem with me lately. I haven’t had any physical attraction to guys in a really long time. All the guys I’m ever attracted to are just the kind that know they’re attractive. And even then, it’s not like I want to get them into bed or anything. I’m just not physically attracted to anyone right now. I don’t know what the problem is. I used to think all kinds of guys were sexy and wanted to bed them if I was in a conversation with them. That’s the first thing I thought of when I met Spencer or Ethan. I wondered what they were like in bed. Now, when I go on dates, I just feel like whoever I’m on a date with could be a really good friend, and that’s all. (Minus the horrid date, of course.)

Have I completely lost my mojo? Is it impossible for me to find men attractive anymore? I know I’m attracted to men, but what kind? Who is my type now? I can’t quite narrow it down. I haven’t met “my type” in a really long time. Every date just ends in: “It was nice meeting you.” How can I go a step beyond this? How can I find romance in my life again?