…And I’m Back!

Good news. I think I got my sex drive back. I masturbated for the first time in weeks and came. Twice. I’m actually really excited about this because I think I’ve been without it for quite some time, perhaps since August when everything with Spencer was officially falling apart. I think I was really unmotivated and depressed, and even when I was seeing Dylan, I don’t think I had it back fully. That could explain why I thought the sex was terrible (that, or because he lasted about 5 minutes, both times, go figure). Regardless, I am really happy to have it back because I’m a pretty sexual person, meaning on a normal day when I’m happy and conflict-less, I think about sex A LOT. And if I had a steady boyfriend, I would expect to have sex at least every other night, but I would love it every night. This seemed to cause a lot of problems between Spencer and me, especially over the summer. And now looking back, I can see why it did… However, what really angers me is that he purposely used sex against me. Imagine. A guy using sex against a girl. He knew that sex was important to me and that I enjoyed it a lot with him, so I think he often withheld it from me to frustrate me and to attach myself more to him. Even while this was happening, I remember thinking that he was using sex against me. And yet, I did nothing. This is another reminder that I need to trust my instincts more.

As for sex, I think I’m not going to be getting any anytime soon. By choice. I think things definitely moved too fast with Dylan, and sex ruined a lot of it. It was so awkward and not enjoyable at all. I think it might have been a good idea to have spent a little more time with each other before diving into sex. And with Spencer, it started out as some casual fun before Europe and then in the end it became almost like a drug. I have to find a happy medium between being satisfied with sex and being obsessed with it. Even with Ethan I remember being very enthusiastic about sex, averaging about 3x per night some weeks. Maybe this is part of the growing up process — to understand that sex is not an end in itself. I have to take it slow and really learn to savor and value sex. This is probably a good time to start this mentality considering I don’t want to make anymore stupid mistakes or have anymore regretful sex. I really just want to make sure that the next time I have sex, it’s because I’m really looking forward to it and I really care about that person. That sounds like such a common sense thing, but for some reason it’s taken me this long to realize it. I guess before I just viewed sex as an adventure, but now I’m starting to understand the importance of it from an emotional aspect.

things to wonder during a dry spell.

So my dry spell has officially lasted for a good 9 months. Wow, 9 months, really?? I feel like it was just yesterday when I watched him leave, knowing secretly deep down that he would never return and that I would never see him again. If there’s anything I learned last summer and would impart to any college girl, it is that you shouldn’t expect your summer fling to be anymore than just that — a summer fling. And it’s funny the sort of defense mechanisms that emerge for sake of self-preservation. As far as I’m concerned, he is still single and his dry spell has lasted for 9 months as well. As far as I’m concerned, as long as I am single and sexless, so is he. And of course I can’t believe that, and of course I know that’s a bunch of bullshit, but to keep myself above sanity, I need to tell myself these things. And it’s pathetic, yes, but it’s human behavior at its clearest and its best.

It always amazes me how my friends are so easily able to get into a relationship or to just be hit on in the subway. I have never been officially hit on in a public space, unless you qualify creepy old black guys who give me the bedroom eyes and try to speak an Asian language to me. For some reason I’m very popular with big black guys, probably because I’m a small Asian girl. Ah.. stereotypes — they’re the best, aren’t they? People tell me I should be glad that I don’t get hit on, but I think that’s complete bullshit. I know for a fact that women feel a lot better about themselves after they’ve gotten some sort of attention, even if it’s the kind of attention they don’t bother with, like from an unattractive but normal guy, for example. It makes them feel wanted — who doesn’t like that??

I don’t miss him, but I do miss the feeling of being wanted and being taken care of. I think he was a really good guy, but he really couldn’t get his shit together. For a second I did think that a long distance relationship would work but I think always knew deep down, being the pragmatic self that I am, that things would never work out. Though I never thought things would have ended so pathetically the way it did, but that is another can of worms. Under the circumstances that we met (yet another can of worms), I think I was always skeptical of his intentions as well. I regret this now because as I look back, I realize that the things he said and the things he did were truly genuine and had he really not felt a connction with me, he would never have done a quarter of the things he did. He wasn’t a guy who made empty promises; he was a guy who didn’t know how to keep them. In the end he was just a little weak puppy with his tail between his legs. But I think I was very harsh on him when we ended things, and for that I truly regret. Whether or not he was hurt by it as I never heard from him again, I still feel terrible about the things I said to him because I made it obvious that I doubted him from the start. And that wasn’t fair to him at all after all the things he had done for me.

Up until recently I was convinced that he was at fault for everything, and technically, he was, but the way I reacted was inexcusable as well. He meant well all along and I never caught it. Not even once.