Explore

Recently I’ve been having some very vivid lesbian dreams. As it should have become clear by now, I go through phases of intense attraction to women — the last being Vicky about two years ago.  Since I’ve started dating Brian, those impulses have surfaced less often and with less intensity. I’m still occasionally attracted to girls.  Though the time away from him has allowed these impulses to reappear without inhibition, which may be a good thing.   Since these dreams keep recurring, I haven’t been able to stop fantasizing about being with a woman. I’m not looking for a relationship, but I would love to find someone with whom I have great chemistry and am attracted to just to explore and experiment more where Vicky and I left off.

I haven’t talked to Vicky in almost a year, and I don’t plan to any time soon, especially since I no longer live in NYC.  However, I’ve been looking through our old chat logs and e-mails, and I can’t help but laugh and smile when I read through our conversations and relive the hilarious experiences we had during our last year of college. Those were really good times, and as usual, I walk away from the e-mails feeling regret and remorse for the way things ended. I wish I could talk to her still like any other friend, but I know that is impossible. And when I read the e-mails we exchanged after that night, all I can do is grimace sometimes because they were so awkward and so… hurtful. The way she hid herself away and denied everything and tried to pretend like nothing had happened — it was all just so hurtful and unnecessary.  I wish none of it had happened, but at the same time, I wish it hadn’t ended. I wanted to explore more, and I wanted to explore with a friend, someone I trusted. But it ended, and for what?  Nothing.

If I could have one more chance to experiment with someone with as much chemistry as Vicky and I had, it would be so fulfilling and it would help me tie up the emotional loose ends. I want that.

She said, “You’re a masochist for falling for me.”

Bah, update!

Okay, so it’s clear that I’ve fallen off the updating wagon again, but I had a pretty good one-year streak going for a while, so I think maybe I should go easier on myself.  I survived my move-out-of-new-york-and-go-on-vacation-with-brian period.  I finished my AmeriCorps orientation and just began my first couple of days at my school.  In the last two days, my coworker and I have just been getting ourselves oriented and situated with the school and some of the reading techniques we’ll be using with the students. I’m both nervous and excited about starting with the kids, but I have a great coworker and I think this year will not be too bad.  It will certainly have its ups and downs, but I’m already looking forward to a life that doesn’t require me to stare at a computer for 8 hours a day.  It feels so liberating to not check my emails until I think about looking at my Blackberry, or not having any time to reply to people’s e-mails, or not know what the day’s biggest news is.  I think this will be a better experience than my last job.  Keep your fingers crossed!

I went to Martha’s Vineyard to visit Brian’s family with him for about a week after I moved out of my apartment.  It was incredibly fun, and I really enjoyed spending time with his family because they are so genuine and so nice.  They seemed to really like me and think that I’m a good influence on Brian, and I’m really glad that they think that because it was really important for me to make a good impression on them. The whole week was just very relaxing and Brian and I got to do some bonding. The goodbye at the airport wasn’t as tear-filled as we thought it would be. We’ve been talking on the phone everyday after work for the last couple of weeks, and he just bought his ticket to come visit for Thanksgiving.  I’m considering spending a week with him for New Year’s.  Things have just been going really well with the distance and our staying in touch. I know I’ve been in two long distances before Brian, but this is definitely very different.  Like I’ve mentioned before in my posts, I think he might be The One, so that’s probably why I feel so much more secure and confident this time around. I don’t suspect that he’s lying to me or cheating on me or not going to follow through on what he promises. With Brian, what I see is what I get, and that is arguably my favorite part about him.  In a nutshell, I’m crazy about him. He’s the first person I think of when I wake up and the last person I think about before I fall asleep. I’m constantly daydreaming about the day we’ll get to live together in the same city. I’m still unsure about whether I want to jump right into moving in with him once we get settled into our new city, but I’m warming up to the idea and could be persuaded once the time approaches. He’s the first person I want to tell my day to and anything interesting that comes up, and I can’t wait until I can do that everyday — in person. He’s quickly become my best friend and trusted confidant, who I feel comfortable telling anything to. Hell, we’ve even started farting in front of each other! Haha, if that’s not intimacy, I don’t know what is (ok, exaggeration).  Anyway, basically our plan is to visit each other every chance we get over the next 10 months, go traveling during the summer, and then settle into the same city. If all things go well, maybe all three things will be accomplished. If not, we’ll figure something else out. All I know is, life is so short, and I just want to spend my time with the person I love and care about. Everyday not spent doing that seems so regrettable.

Living at home has been a slightly touchy adjustment. My intention of coming home was to help out and not get in the way. While that has been going mostly well, there have been some instances of friction. But mainly these situations arise out of miscommunication. My mother is awful at communcation, and like mother, like daughter. So many of my conflicts with CPB last year arose from miscommunication and lack of communication, many times on my part. Don’t get me wrong, CPB was not some communication genius either — far from it. I just know that the main reason why we had so many problems was because TWO people had awful communication skills. Being with Brian has taught me some really useful communication techniques and taught me how to communicate my thoughts clearly and fairly, but it’s very hard to learn something that you haven’t really observed yourself while growing up. So it’s sort of a trial and error process.

The main issue is that I have never felt comfortable enough to approach my family with issues that concerned me. I attribute this largely to the fact that during my formative years, everyone was so busy with everything that was going on that they sort of just left me to my own devices. I can remember many instances during my childhood entertaining myself with little games and tasks because there was nothing I could do to entertain myself. I was not allowed to go outside to play with other kids very often, but at the same time, nobody at home was really emotionally or physically available to be with me. I’m not saying I was neglected, but I could never emotionally connect with my family members. I think that’s probably why I felt so depressed and alone in high school. Almost everyday, I can feel my attachment issues arise in interpersonal relationships — are they not inviting me to this event? Am I not well liked enough to join? What if this person’s not being honest with me? I can rarely admit that I’m wrong during conflicts because I’ve never been taught to be okay with being wrong and to discuss it.

There are just a lot of issues that have been left over from childhood that I’m still struggling with everyday. However, by knowing that I have these ongoing issues, it makes it easier for me to repress irrational thoughts. I frequently stop myself before I say or act on something irrational towards Brian. I know that my thoughts are irrational and I just need to let them pass before I say anything at all. Brian is so good for me that I would hate to think that my own insecurities or inabilities would push him away. Basically, these are some of the thoughts that have been floating around in my mind for the last few weeks.

I need to blog more often.

Long Awaited Update

The reason for my long delayed update can be attributed to the fact that my computer just stopped working one day. It was impossible for me to be on the computer more than 5 minutes before it would automatically restart itself.  Alas, I have fixed the problem and can finally blog again. All is well in the world.

I’m happy to report that since my last update, things have a changed a lot and for the better. I am still dating Brian and things have become very serious in the last two months. We have grown closer than ever and have had serious talks about the future.

This brings me to the happiest news to report — I finally decided to quit my joke of a job.  By the end of May, I’d decided that I would no longer work there/tolerate the horrible treatment I received.  I gave them a 3 month notice after a weeklong vacation to clear my head. My last day will be next Friday, and I can barely contain the excitement.  I toyed with multiple ideas about what I would do after this job, ranging from teaching English abroad to traveling and working odd jobs.  However, finally I settled on the idea of joining a 10-month AmeriCorps program in my home state.  That’s right, I’m going back to the West Coast in August.  I’ll be working for a youth literacy program at an elementary school, and I’ll be making less than half of what I make now, but I am so excited to finally be out of my current job and doing something worthwhile and meaningful. The sad part is that I’ll be leaving my favorite city in the world and many of my friends behind. I don’t think of this as a goodbye though, just a break. I know I’ll be back here again, but I need to take a break from this city.

Brian and I have discussed what we expect in the next year or so. I will apply to law schools in the Fall and he will be applying to new jobs, so hopefully we can overlap in location. That is our best scenario, and I think that we can work that out. We love each other so much, and we know that we are right for one another, so we really want to give this a chance. I feel scared and sad that I won’t see him much for the next year, but then I remind myself that things will get better in the end. I know it sounds crazy, but I think he is the one for me. I love him so much and I’ve never felt this way about anybody. And neither has he. It is so strong for the both of us, and everyone says that we have great chemistry together. It just feels really right to be with him, and I want to do everything possible to help stay that way.  I get really sad when I think about it, and I couldn’t stop crying last weekend as he left my apartment.  Bottom line is, I could really see myself spending the rest of my life with him.

So that’s the much-needed update. I am heading in a new direction in my life, and I’m excited as hell. I am more than proud of myself for having the courage to give up a decent-paying job for the sake of my own happiness. I know that I’m sacrificing a lot with this decision, but I think ultimately it will be the right decision.

#41

I haven’t properly blogged in a really long time, but that’s mainly because so many of things I’ve had to deal with have been extremely painful to think about, let alone to write about. I try to compartmentalize a lot of the negative emotions I feel every single day at work, so that when I come home, I can just sort of hide in my own world and try to do what I need to do (e.g. study for the LSAT).  I haven’t had the energy or the time, really, to see anybody, which has definitely taken a toll on my psyche and emotional health. I have never felt as lonely as I do now, and I have never felt as homesick as I do now. There have been many times during the day when I feel like catching the next flight back to the West Coast, crawling into my bed at home, and curling up into a fetal position for weeks. If I could do that, I think I could release all of this pent-up fatigue and frustration. I hate to admit it, but the stress of being alone after college — without any family or friends nearby — is starting affect me deeper than I thought it ever could. I hate to be one of the statistics of  young people who can’t handle the Real World, but alas, I am one in a million. It kills me.

For the past few weeks, CPB has reverted back to her manipulative ways, and the firm has failed to address successfully this problem. She was not reprimanded in any way, and if anything, she seemed to be in the right. It seems that my advocacy and voice fell on deaf ears. Some have encouraged me to try again, and to make clear that this is a serious, recurring issue. But I am tired. I am tired of thinking about this. I am tired of having to deal with this. I am tired of trying to stand up for myself and have nothing come of it. I really, really, really just want to quit this job. I know there are 25 people lined up outside who would kill for this job, and you know what? They can have it. Every single one of them. Because I am sick of being treated like shit and sick of being invisible.  I know I don’t deserve this, so I need to create options for myself. I dont know when I can quit or what I’ll do when I quit, but I am hoping it is soon.

On top of all of this, I am studying for the LSAT yet again. I have exactly two months left, and I am not anywhere near where I need to improve on this exam. I am constantly frustrated at the lack of time and energy I can devote to this exam because of the ridiculousness I need to deal with at work. The last thing I thought I’d need to worry about for the next two years ended up being the primary concern of my everyday life. This is completely uncalled for, and I can’t help but feel like a 3-year-old crying, “Life isn’t fair!” But I am. And that is truly how I feel. I am sick of feeling this way. I am sick of things not being handed to me. Since high school, I have always felt that I needed to work 10x as hard as everyone else just to keep up and be in the 50th percentile. I am sick of having to work so hard just to be mediocre. Why can’t things just come to me naturally?

I have so many things that are constantly becoming a nuisance in my life that the thought of having a long distance relationship with Brian is starting to strain and sour. It’s not that I don’t like him anymore, and it’s not that I don’t want to see him, but the fact that he is so far away almost makes it easy to forget that this relationship even exists. I am so absorbed in all of these things in front of me that I am honestly incapable of thinking about him as an entity. I know that sounds utterly selfish and ridiculous, but that is how I feel. It’s hard to even plan on seeing him on a certain weekend when I don’t even know how much time I’ll have to myself to study during the week. If I see him, I’ll get no studying done, and I can’t afford that right now, especially if I’m not accomplishing as much as I want during the week.

Little things about him are also starting to bother me. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m just getting stressed out and frustrated over my own life, and now I’m just nit-picking. I probably am, which is why I haven’t voiced any of these complaints, because I know they’re probably just remnants of  frustration and anger from my own life. I know I can’t take it out on him, but it’s hard to see it that way when you’re thinking about things in such a negative way. It bothers me that he hasn’t really offered any real advice in terms of how I should go about the CPB situation. It bothers me that he keeps asking me when he can see me when he clearly knows that I am absorbed in studying for this test. I almost want to say, “Look, you’re not going to law school; I am.  This is the rest of my life. I don’t even know if you’ll be in my life a year from now, but this test determines the rest of my life. I’m sorry, but this is way more important than you.” But of course, I can’t say that. It would be disastrous and teleport me straight to hell. 

All in all, my life is in shambles, and I’m not sure what the hell I’m supposed to do about it.

I was talking to my good friend Kim today, and she asked me whatever happened between me and Vicky. I guess I neglected to ever share that story with Kim, even though I thought I had. Retracing that story and re-analyzing that story made me think about Vicky all over again. Not in the obsessive way that I did before, but just the general feeling of regret and sadness that I was never able to reconcile with Vicky. I really did care about her and wanted so badly for things to return to normal between us, but it really was impossible. And I hate that. I shared so many good memories with her, and I wish I could still talk to her and get advice from her, especially during this time. It would just be so good if I could reconnect with her and some of her other friends. I really need as many connections as I can get in this city right now. I feel so fucking alone. I can’t stand this. I can’t stand the fact that I have no family on the East Coast. I can’t stand the fact that if I’m feeling like shit, I can’t just take the train or bus home for the weekend to recuperate. Instead, I have to go home to my little apartment and dwell over the emotions without having anyone to lean on. It is so fucking lonely. I am so fucking lonely.

Something New

Things with Brian are going so well. He makes me laugh, is loving, considerate, and the sex has only gotten better by the weeks. I feel as if we have known pone another for a long time and not just a month. I amincredibly comfortable around him and do a lot of things for and with him that I have never done with anyone else at this early stage of any relationship. I actually look forward to us solidifying a relationship and not afraid or commitment at all. I have not felt this way for anyone. Ever.