No LTRs, please.

I think it may be safe to put any notion of romance on the back burner until 2009.  I am not ready to be in a relationship, no matter how much I think I am. And it’s not because of Spencer or anyone else, really, that has made me come to this decision. It is, honestly, my life and the conditions under which I live that I cannot fully commit myself to anybody or anything right now. I am at a transient place in my life, where I don’t even know if I will stay at my current job after I’ve commited a year. What will I do after this year? No idea. Even though most likely I will stay at this job for another year, I want to leave the option open to pursue other things, and that may very well be outside of the city. I may have to relocate, in which case it would be much easier to pursue this job if I were single. Not that I am afraid to commit because I might relocate. I think the reason is more that I haven’t met anybody whom I would be comfortable committing to knowing that there is a possibility that I might relocate. 

Honestly, I am just not in a place emotionally to give someone my entire heart and all of my time and energy. I am still trying to figure out what I want and who I want. The best scenario is if I could just meet someone to hang out with, to go to concerts with, to eat dinner with, to sleep with, etc. and nothing more would be expected.  I wouldn’t be expected to clear my weekend schedule for this person, and he wouldn’t expect me to do the same either. We would see each other when the occasion arises, and when we do, it would be loads of fun and memories. That is all I want right now. I am simply in no mood for a relationship. Is it really that hard to understand??

Breathing New Life

It’s amazing the way this city makes me feel reborn every time I discover a new restaurant or a new concert venue and most of all, new music.  New York City is definitely the center of the music universe, and in the last four years that I’ve lived here, I’ve never taken advantage of this until now. Now, I have more time and more money to spend at these places and discover the wonderful (and at times not-so-wonderful) music that this city has to offer.  Being at the Mercury Lounge or the Bowery Ballroom makes me feel as if I’m really living in the city for the very first time. I am experiencing something in the city that no one except the seasoned city mice know about — and I love this feeling of exclusivity. Bottom line though, I love music. I love exposing myself to the various types of music out there and to witness in person the way an artists interacts with his or her work and with the other artists on stage. It’s truly an experience that you cannot get elsewhere. It’s a combination of being at these small venues and experiencing this live music that truly breathes new life into me. These are the moments that make me wonder: How could I possibly ever quit this place? Even if only for a few years? I would not survive.

Just Got Paid

I just got my first full-time job paycheck. Woohoo? Not really. It’s actually a lot less than I had hoped. Stupid taxes. New York City taxes are crazy out of this world. God. Damn. It. I am still feeling the squeeze of my wallet, and I probably will for a while, which further convinces me that I need to work at this job for 2 years. I was thinking of maybe working in Australia for 4 months or so, after my law school application process finishes. That would give me enough peace of mind to fully enjoy my experience there.

Still, I haven’t really talked about my job on here. I’ve been stupidly preoccupied with the thoughts of Vicky and my asexuality. GRRR. Well, whatever, I love my job. I love my law firm. I love the people who work there, and I love the work. I know it sounds weird to people who aren’t interested, but I love the law. I love the way lawyers think and I love the way they analyze things. It’s exactly what history majors do. Anyway, I love the perks of the law firm, too. Free dinners during overtime, free cab rides home late at night, free breakfast on Fridays, and a kitchen with endless amounts of yummy things to eat. The other day I went to the UN to drop off some documents and a Lincoln Towncar drove me there, waited for me as I dropped off the documents, and then took me back to the office. It was pure VIP treatment, and I loved every second of it. And to think, I’m only a paralegal right now! Imagine the treatment I’d receive as a lawyer. This. Is. The. Life.

I just wish it paid a little bit more. Sigh.

Cold Feet

If you don’t want to believe in love, live in New York.

The events of yesterday raised numerous doubts about whether I want to stay in New York for more than a year from now. First, I had lunch with my old RA, who has probably been my most reliable confidante since the first day of college. We think on the same wavelength and have similar perspectives on life and people. She graduated last year but since then she’s been living this whole Bohemian lifestyle of sailing around the world and being an au pair to a rich family. She’s thinking about moving to New Zealand for a year and working next year. I’d never been interested in living a Bohemian lifestyle even after knowing about her adventures until yesterday when I realized that I really wasn’t done exploring the world. The main reason I wanted to get this job was because I needed to save up money and because my LSAT score wasn’t good enough to apply during this cycle. I couldn’t just pick up and move to Australia now even if I wanted to. I have absolutely no money. But now I’m beginning to think that I’ll work for a year and then use whatever money I have from that to go work in Australia for another year. I just don’t think I’m ready to commit my entire life to New York just yet.

Another reason why has a lot to do with the person I randomly met on the LIRR last night. On my way to Anne’s bachelorette party, I sat next to this clean cut, white collar guy. He seemed kind of cocky and selfish, and it was all confirmed when he told me about the five girlfriends he had. It dawned on me that I had met an amplified version of Spencer. Even though I wanted nothing more than to punch him in the face and where it mattered, I couldn’t help but ask him tons of questions about how he went about keeping the girls from knowing about the other ones and how he thought it was fair to make them think the relationships were really exclusive but they weren’t. The way he spoke about them was just so degrading and despicable, and it brought back all the mistrust and insecurities that I thought I had gotten over five months ago. I am now more than paranoid about dating in this city. Here are some interesting things he said to justify these fears:

• “It’s New York; it’s easy to get away with this.”
• “____ is clueless. _____ is clueless. _____ is clueless too. ____ is suspicious, but whatever.”
• “She’s not the love of my life anyway.”
• “I did tell her, but then I told her I was joking. But I told her.”
• “I never lie. They never ask if we’re exclusive. If they asked I would just dodge the question or change the subject.”
• “I just tell them I’m working late, studying for the LSAT, hanging out with a friend, whatever.”
• “I met them all on match.com.”

He said more than these things, but I think this was enough to rekindle all the fears and doubts I had about getting into another relationship any time soon. In this city, at least. This is why I think I need to get out of here before I’m too old to actually seriously date. I’m not some conservative loser, but I do believe in love and marriage, and I do want to get married before I’m 30. This city is too filled with people who are selfish and preoccupied with selfish desires, so much so that they become immoral and evil. And I just don’t believe in that kind of lifestyle. If people are like this here, then I’ll never find anyone I could possibly marry here. This is why I think the best time for me to leave the city and find someone who I might actually be able to marry is when I go to law school. I need to either go to a smaller city or a big town. I just can’t stay here for this phase of my life. I’ll come back when I have a decent job and can afford the better things in life and when I have someone I’d like to share my life with.

I’m not expecting some major relationship any time soon, and I’m not going to be looking very far anyway. If I meet someone I like, maybe we’ll start dating, but I won’t be expecting anything spectacular any time soon. This city does nothing but suck your faith out of love and humanity. It’s sad, isn’t it?

Night Before Graduation

So, it’s the night before graduation, and I have to say that I am Scared Shitless. I can’t believe the last four years went by so fast. I was hit with a dose of ugly reality this morning when I checked my grades for the semester. I was 0.01 away from making Dean’s List. I can’t believe I was only 0.01 away from making the seemingly easiest list to get on at this freakin college. I swear to god, I can’t take this place anymore. It eats away at my soul and my confidence with each day. And I love how it hits crescendo right before I graduate. I had the lowest GPA this semester than any of my other semesters in college, including my first one. It’s kinda ridiculous when you think about it. I’m glad college is over. I really just want to move on. But at the same time, I’m just so scared about going out on my own and trying to make it in this city. It’s a really scary thought, even though I’m sure I’ll get through it. It just seems like post-college life is a much lonelier life. No campus events to waste time at, no friends who live close by, no neighborhood bar hopping and then seeing the same person in class the next day. I have absolutely no stability. And recently I also just feel like nobody really cares all that much about me. It makes me feel really shitty when I feel like I can’t really count on anyone around me. Vicky’s whole fiasco is still bothering me. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t. It’s definitely still taking its emotional toll on me, even though I’ve already made the vow to move on and forget about her. It’s working to some extent, but mostly I’m still just really hurt by the whole situation. I mean, we’re definitely not friends anymore, which really sucks. I just feel like I’m in a state of limbo. Before real life, and after college. I think I’m so burned out from college that I just feel… numb. I’m not particularly sad about leaving, and I’m not particularly excited about the weeks to come. I just feel… nothing. And yet, I get into states of panic, like what the hell am I doing? How the hell am I going to survive out there alone? When I am going to have something steady, like a relationship? When is everything going to start going my way? It’s just a real mix of emotions, and it really sucks.

So, I’m getting my Bachelor’s degree in 9 hours. Here goes nothing.