Resolution Revelation

A new year, a new leaf.  I look back at 2008 with very little to hold on to. People always want to forget the old year and look forward to the new one, but for me, 2008 never created a permanent place in my mind or heart. It was sort of just… there, like that piece of furniture in your house that doesn’t necessarily bother you, but you know you could do without it.   So in reality, I can’t forget 2008 because it holds nothing to remember or to forget.  If anything, it was just a year of fighting my internal demons and trying to save myself from the person I could’ve been.

I tried to fight all the demons that stemmed from the Vicky situation somewhat successfully, though I would be lying if I said it wasn’t something I still struggle with everyday.  But alas, I’ve decided to put the whole thing behind me in 2009.  I was listening to Rachael Yamagata, and her songs remind me just how much her lyrics speak to me and my feelings for Vicky — every step of the way. From the beginning, to the good times, to the rough patch, and to the recovery… Right now, I think I’m at the recovery stage, just trying to dig myself up from the hole that I was buried in. I was buried deep in a hole filled with these thoughts and emotions for her that I just couldn’t seem to get rid of, even though I knew they were unfounded and irrational.  Anyway, these lyrics really speak to me right now with how I feel about the whole Vicky situation:

I don’t believe in you like I so wanted to
I hope you’re asking heavens above
To forgive all the damage you’ve done

And if I did teach you anything at all
I hope that you learned how to love
But I doubt if I’ll ever talk to you after now

- Rachael Yamagata, “Horizon”

It’s a new year, and I need to start afresh.  I really want something good to come out of 2009; I don’t want to view it like a piece of unwanted furniture in my life.  I want to find my place in life, and to spend time doing the things I love. I want to find myself and to improve my quality of life. I’m going to take the LSAT again and apply to law school in the fall. It’s time to get my life moving again, and forget all the things that held me in one place for much too long.

Breathing New Life

It’s amazing the way this city makes me feel reborn every time I discover a new restaurant or a new concert venue and most of all, new music.  New York City is definitely the center of the music universe, and in the last four years that I’ve lived here, I’ve never taken advantage of this until now. Now, I have more time and more money to spend at these places and discover the wonderful (and at times not-so-wonderful) music that this city has to offer.  Being at the Mercury Lounge or the Bowery Ballroom makes me feel as if I’m really living in the city for the very first time. I am experiencing something in the city that no one except the seasoned city mice know about — and I love this feeling of exclusivity. Bottom line though, I love music. I love exposing myself to the various types of music out there and to witness in person the way an artists interacts with his or her work and with the other artists on stage. It’s truly an experience that you cannot get elsewhere. It’s a combination of being at these small venues and experiencing this live music that truly breathes new life into me. These are the moments that make me wonder: How could I possibly ever quit this place? Even if only for a few years? I would not survive.

My Almost Lover

———————————-

Your fingertips across my skin 
The palm trees swaying in the wind 
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies 
The sweetest sadness in your eyes 
Clever trick 

Well, I never want to see you unhappy 
I thought you’d want the same for me 

Goodbye, my almost lover 
Goodbye, my hopeless dream 
I’m trying not to think about you 
Can’t you just let me be? 
So long, my luckless romance 
My back is turned on you 
Should’ve known you’d bring me heartache 
Almost lovers always do 

We walked along a crowded street 
You took my hand and danced with me 
Images 
And when you left, you kissed my lips 
You told me you would never, ever forget 
These images 

Well, I’d never want to see you unhappy 
I thought you’d want the same for me 

Goodbye, my almost lover 
Goodbye, my hopeless dream 
I’m trying not to think about you 
Can’t you just let me be? 
So long, my luckless romance 
My back is turned on you 
Should’ve known you’d bring me heartache 
Almost lovers always do 

I cannot go to the ocean 
I cannot drive the streets at night 
I cannot wake up in the morning 
Without you on my mind 
So you’re gone and I’m haunted 
And I bet you are just fine 

Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life? 

Goodbye, my almost lover 
Goodbye, my hopeless dream 
I’m trying not to think about you 
Can’t you just let me be? 
So long, my luckless romance 
My back is turned on you 
Should’ve known you’d bring me heartache 
Almost lovers always do.

————————–

Can’t help but think of Vicky every time I hear this song.  My favorite lyric is “did I make it that easy to walk in and out of my life?”  That’s one of the questions I asked for months.  She was, indeed, my luckless romance.  I’m over her, but I still think about her.  There’s no doubt about it.

Rachael Yamagata

Ok, admittedly, I have developed a slight obsession with Rachael Yamagata. She’s just too good. I usually don’t even like female vocalists because they tend to be too whiny or high-pitched, but her voice is simply amazing. I love the texture of her voice, the piano-playing, the guitar-strumming, the everything…  Her voice is raspy and soulful, and I’m absolutely smitten. I’ve been playing her music nonstop since I discovered it a few weeks back, and I’ve shoved her music on to every innocent bystander, mainly my friends and roommates. So far, she’s gotten great reviews, and as she should. Every time I listen to her songs, I can’t help but sing along. It’s really a distraction more than anything when I’m trying to study. Oh well. She’s also extremely beautiful. And in all seriousness, if she wanted to have sex with me, I’d totally say yes. Not that I would know what to do, but I would definitely jump on that opportunity. I don’t know why, but her voice just reminds me of sex. Or sexiness. Or something.

Anyway… below is a music video for “Worn Me Down,” which is a little too poppy for my taste, but you can get a sense of her vocal talent through this song. I much rather prefer “Letter Read” or “I’ll Find A Way.” Though “I Want You” is pretty fun too.

Regina Spektor’s got nothing on her.

Sweetest Downfall

I’m not sure I understand what people see in Regina Spektor. I’ve heard two songs, including “Samson,” and her voice annoys the hell out of me and her lyrics are ridiculous. I mean, come on, who puts the words “Wonder bread” into a song that’s not meant to be a commercial jingle? Something about the texture of her voice just rubs me the wrong way. Or…. maybe I’m just annoyed by her on a completely different level… I found the MySpace of Spencer’s “other girlfriend” a couple of weeks ago, and the embedded music on her profile is “Samson.” I have nothing against this girl, but the lyrics in that song make everything that’s happened in the last year extremely eerie.

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first

Probably true. She met him before I met him. He probably also broke her heart after the truth I told her a few weeks back.

Samson came to my bed
Told me that my hair was red
Told me I was beautiful and came into my bed

Yes, he slept in her bed. He went to see her on the weekends when I was preoccupied, or just flat out told me he couldn’t hang out because he was “studying for the Bar exam.” Yes, her hair is red, at least from what I can tell in her MySpace picture. It’s dyed red though, like one of those metallic reds that brunettes really like. Yes, he definitely told her she was beautiful and went into her bed, just like he did with me. “Beautiful” was his favorite adjective; it was one of his manipulative words that was supposed to make you feel like you were the only one for him.

I cut his hair myself one night
A pair of dull scissors and the yellow light
He told me that I’d done alright
and kissed me till the morning light the morning light

Haha, I wouldn’t be surprised if this scenario actually happened at some point. He had some pretty hideous haircuts, which he claimed he got from the corner barber. Well, this part of the lyrics is just humorous for me. Nothing too creepy about it.

I’m sure she had him in mind when she chose this song to embed on her MySpace profile. Don’t we all have someone in mind when we try to personalize things like MySpace? And I’m sure she thought about him every time this song played on her iPod. Sigh. Spencer, you had such a hold on the both of us. How did you do it? I hope I never see you again, or meet anyone like you again for the rest of my life. I was a fool. I admit it.