Bah, update!

Okay, so it’s clear that I’ve fallen off the updating wagon again, but I had a pretty good one-year streak going for a while, so I think maybe I should go easier on myself.  I survived my move-out-of-new-york-and-go-on-vacation-with-brian period.  I finished my AmeriCorps orientation and just began my first couple of days at my school.  In the last two days, my coworker and I have just been getting ourselves oriented and situated with the school and some of the reading techniques we’ll be using with the students. I’m both nervous and excited about starting with the kids, but I have a great coworker and I think this year will not be too bad.  It will certainly have its ups and downs, but I’m already looking forward to a life that doesn’t require me to stare at a computer for 8 hours a day.  It feels so liberating to not check my emails until I think about looking at my Blackberry, or not having any time to reply to people’s e-mails, or not know what the day’s biggest news is.  I think this will be a better experience than my last job.  Keep your fingers crossed!

I went to Martha’s Vineyard to visit Brian’s family with him for about a week after I moved out of my apartment.  It was incredibly fun, and I really enjoyed spending time with his family because they are so genuine and so nice.  They seemed to really like me and think that I’m a good influence on Brian, and I’m really glad that they think that because it was really important for me to make a good impression on them. The whole week was just very relaxing and Brian and I got to do some bonding. The goodbye at the airport wasn’t as tear-filled as we thought it would be. We’ve been talking on the phone everyday after work for the last couple of weeks, and he just bought his ticket to come visit for Thanksgiving.  I’m considering spending a week with him for New Year’s.  Things have just been going really well with the distance and our staying in touch. I know I’ve been in two long distances before Brian, but this is definitely very different.  Like I’ve mentioned before in my posts, I think he might be The One, so that’s probably why I feel so much more secure and confident this time around. I don’t suspect that he’s lying to me or cheating on me or not going to follow through on what he promises. With Brian, what I see is what I get, and that is arguably my favorite part about him.  In a nutshell, I’m crazy about him. He’s the first person I think of when I wake up and the last person I think about before I fall asleep. I’m constantly daydreaming about the day we’ll get to live together in the same city. I’m still unsure about whether I want to jump right into moving in with him once we get settled into our new city, but I’m warming up to the idea and could be persuaded once the time approaches. He’s the first person I want to tell my day to and anything interesting that comes up, and I can’t wait until I can do that everyday — in person. He’s quickly become my best friend and trusted confidant, who I feel comfortable telling anything to. Hell, we’ve even started farting in front of each other! Haha, if that’s not intimacy, I don’t know what is (ok, exaggeration).  Anyway, basically our plan is to visit each other every chance we get over the next 10 months, go traveling during the summer, and then settle into the same city. If all things go well, maybe all three things will be accomplished. If not, we’ll figure something else out. All I know is, life is so short, and I just want to spend my time with the person I love and care about. Everyday not spent doing that seems so regrettable.

Living at home has been a slightly touchy adjustment. My intention of coming home was to help out and not get in the way. While that has been going mostly well, there have been some instances of friction. But mainly these situations arise out of miscommunication. My mother is awful at communcation, and like mother, like daughter. So many of my conflicts with CPB last year arose from miscommunication and lack of communication, many times on my part. Don’t get me wrong, CPB was not some communication genius either — far from it. I just know that the main reason why we had so many problems was because TWO people had awful communication skills. Being with Brian has taught me some really useful communication techniques and taught me how to communicate my thoughts clearly and fairly, but it’s very hard to learn something that you haven’t really observed yourself while growing up. So it’s sort of a trial and error process.

The main issue is that I have never felt comfortable enough to approach my family with issues that concerned me. I attribute this largely to the fact that during my formative years, everyone was so busy with everything that was going on that they sort of just left me to my own devices. I can remember many instances during my childhood entertaining myself with little games and tasks because there was nothing I could do to entertain myself. I was not allowed to go outside to play with other kids very often, but at the same time, nobody at home was really emotionally or physically available to be with me. I’m not saying I was neglected, but I could never emotionally connect with my family members. I think that’s probably why I felt so depressed and alone in high school. Almost everyday, I can feel my attachment issues arise in interpersonal relationships — are they not inviting me to this event? Am I not well liked enough to join? What if this person’s not being honest with me? I can rarely admit that I’m wrong during conflicts because I’ve never been taught to be okay with being wrong and to discuss it.

There are just a lot of issues that have been left over from childhood that I’m still struggling with everyday. However, by knowing that I have these ongoing issues, it makes it easier for me to repress irrational thoughts. I frequently stop myself before I say or act on something irrational towards Brian. I know that my thoughts are irrational and I just need to let them pass before I say anything at all. Brian is so good for me that I would hate to think that my own insecurities or inabilities would push him away. Basically, these are some of the thoughts that have been floating around in my mind for the last few weeks.

I need to blog more often.

Long Awaited Update

The reason for my long delayed update can be attributed to the fact that my computer just stopped working one day. It was impossible for me to be on the computer more than 5 minutes before it would automatically restart itself.  Alas, I have fixed the problem and can finally blog again. All is well in the world.

I’m happy to report that since my last update, things have a changed a lot and for the better. I am still dating Brian and things have become very serious in the last two months. We have grown closer than ever and have had serious talks about the future.

This brings me to the happiest news to report — I finally decided to quit my joke of a job.  By the end of May, I’d decided that I would no longer work there/tolerate the horrible treatment I received.  I gave them a 3 month notice after a weeklong vacation to clear my head. My last day will be next Friday, and I can barely contain the excitement.  I toyed with multiple ideas about what I would do after this job, ranging from teaching English abroad to traveling and working odd jobs.  However, finally I settled on the idea of joining a 10-month AmeriCorps program in my home state.  That’s right, I’m going back to the West Coast in August.  I’ll be working for a youth literacy program at an elementary school, and I’ll be making less than half of what I make now, but I am so excited to finally be out of my current job and doing something worthwhile and meaningful. The sad part is that I’ll be leaving my favorite city in the world and many of my friends behind. I don’t think of this as a goodbye though, just a break. I know I’ll be back here again, but I need to take a break from this city.

Brian and I have discussed what we expect in the next year or so. I will apply to law schools in the Fall and he will be applying to new jobs, so hopefully we can overlap in location. That is our best scenario, and I think that we can work that out. We love each other so much, and we know that we are right for one another, so we really want to give this a chance. I feel scared and sad that I won’t see him much for the next year, but then I remind myself that things will get better in the end. I know it sounds crazy, but I think he is the one for me. I love him so much and I’ve never felt this way about anybody. And neither has he. It is so strong for the both of us, and everyone says that we have great chemistry together. It just feels really right to be with him, and I want to do everything possible to help stay that way.  I get really sad when I think about it, and I couldn’t stop crying last weekend as he left my apartment.  Bottom line is, I could really see myself spending the rest of my life with him.

So that’s the much-needed update. I am heading in a new direction in my life, and I’m excited as hell. I am more than proud of myself for having the courage to give up a decent-paying job for the sake of my own happiness. I know that I’m sacrificing a lot with this decision, but I think ultimately it will be the right decision.

No LTRs, please.

I think it may be safe to put any notion of romance on the back burner until 2009.  I am not ready to be in a relationship, no matter how much I think I am. And it’s not because of Spencer or anyone else, really, that has made me come to this decision. It is, honestly, my life and the conditions under which I live that I cannot fully commit myself to anybody or anything right now. I am at a transient place in my life, where I don’t even know if I will stay at my current job after I’ve commited a year. What will I do after this year? No idea. Even though most likely I will stay at this job for another year, I want to leave the option open to pursue other things, and that may very well be outside of the city. I may have to relocate, in which case it would be much easier to pursue this job if I were single. Not that I am afraid to commit because I might relocate. I think the reason is more that I haven’t met anybody whom I would be comfortable committing to knowing that there is a possibility that I might relocate. 

Honestly, I am just not in a place emotionally to give someone my entire heart and all of my time and energy. I am still trying to figure out what I want and who I want. The best scenario is if I could just meet someone to hang out with, to go to concerts with, to eat dinner with, to sleep with, etc. and nothing more would be expected.  I wouldn’t be expected to clear my weekend schedule for this person, and he wouldn’t expect me to do the same either. We would see each other when the occasion arises, and when we do, it would be loads of fun and memories. That is all I want right now. I am simply in no mood for a relationship. Is it really that hard to understand??

Forgettable Affairs

As it has probably been obvious in the last year or so, I’ve had more forgettable affairs than I care to think about. Some have lasted a little longer than a month, others lasted a few days, or even a few hours. My love life has gathered more cobwebs than I care to count. There’s a part of me that wishes I had someone to share my life with, and then there’s a part of me that doesn’t know what I want — a relationship or not? Maybe it’s one of those things where you don’t know what you want until you’ve found it. I can’t even articulate what I want.

I thought I wanted to be with someone, but in the last month or so, the two people I’ve dated just seemed so… meh. Adam was a kind and considerate person, but he was too self-involved and didn’t seem to understand that a conversation is a two-way street. Nobody likes monologues on a date. He constantly interrupted me, and then proceeded to ask questions like, “Why don’t you ever talk about yourself?” Cue the eye-rolling. Plus, he refused to let me pay, and put up a real fight when I insisted. It was intense, and it’s a threat to my femininity. I stopped replying to his text messages and e-mails.  I think he gets the message. I thought about ending it in a “mature” way, but then I realized that I’d only gone on three dates with the guy, so I don’t think it’s that big of a deal.

Then there’s Jason, who I met through a friend. He’s also… nice. Quiet and shy, and a little more awkward than I like. I like awkward guys sometimes, but not when they are too awkward. I’m not sure whether he likes me or not, but I don’t think I’m attracted to him. There’s just no spark, and I don’t really think we have that much in common besides the fact that we are both interested in the legal profession. I think he’s a really great guy, and I’d love to be friends with him, but everyone knows men and women can never be friends. I guess we’ll just see.

I want to meet someone who…

• makes me excited for the day when I wake up.  
• understands my dry sense of humor and can dish back exactly what I dish to him. 
• makes me laugh until my stomach hurts and milk is coming out of my nose. 
• shares my passion for good food, good beer, and good music. 
• loves to cook, travel, watch TV, and play video games just as much as he loves to explore new music, new bars, and new restaurants in the city. 
• is not afraid to pay the cover or the ticket price to get into a concert for a band he’s never heard of. 
• wants to be spontaneous for a date, because he knows that it’s not about what you do but who you’re with that makes a night fun. 
• can teach me something new.
• makes me want to be the best person I can be every single day.

But at the end of the day, and after all these criteria, I really just want… spark.  Why is it so hard to find someone with whom you have chemistry and a connection?

Why Bother Anymore?

I’m not sure if I should really bother anymore with dating for a while.  Not like I put a lot of effort into it in the first place, but when I do, nothing fruitful ever occurs.  I’ve gone on two dates in the last 3 weeks and neither have turned out spectacularly. The first one was a disaster, probably the worst date I’ve ever had.  I never realized what charismatic guys I went out with until this one — he made them all look like saints, including Spencer! Believe it or not. The second one, I just came back from. He was a good kid, and I liked him and we had a good conversation, but there was just no spark, no physical attraction.

That’s the problem with me lately. I haven’t had any physical attraction to guys in a really long time. All the guys I’m ever attracted to are just the kind that know they’re attractive. And even then, it’s not like I want to get them into bed or anything. I’m just not physically attracted to anyone right now. I don’t know what the problem is. I used to think all kinds of guys were sexy and wanted to bed them if I was in a conversation with them. That’s the first thing I thought of when I met Spencer or Ethan. I wondered what they were like in bed. Now, when I go on dates, I just feel like whoever I’m on a date with could be a really good friend, and that’s all. (Minus the horrid date, of course.)

Have I completely lost my mojo? Is it impossible for me to find men attractive anymore? I know I’m attracted to men, but what kind? Who is my type now? I can’t quite narrow it down. I haven’t met “my type” in a really long time. Every date just ends in: “It was nice meeting you.” How can I go a step beyond this? How can I find romance in my life again?