Godwinks

Several dreams that might have been Godwinks in the last week or so:

1) I checked my score on the LSAC website and found out I got a 170.

2) The Health Care Bill passed, and everyone is happy.

One Godwink event that happened in the last five hours:

The LSAC receiving a Letter of Recommendation from an unusually flaky professor today.

I don’t believe in God, but sometimes you have to wonder if someone is trying to tell you something.

Journey in Limbo

Post-LSAT life has been bittersweet and very unmotivated, to say the least. On the up side, I can now drink beer on weeknights without feeling guilty that I should be taking a PT instead. On the down side, the more I think about the test, the more I’m certain of the questions that I missed. This makes me sad on so many obvious levels. First, that was supposed to be the last time I took it. The. Last. Time. Second, it’s so late in the cycle that without an amazing score, or close to amazing, I’m pretty much out of the running for any T14 schools. Third and worst of all, there is a real likelihood that I need to wait until next year to 1) take the LSAT again, since I can’t take it again until June/Sept 2010, and 2) apply to schools, of course.

All of this means that I’ll need to find something to do for yet another year during my “in-between” time. AmeriCorps was supposed to be a one-year deal, and I intend to keep it that way. First of all, while I like teaching and learning about the education system, it’s not for me. I think it’s a great cause to teach under privileged kids, but if I’m going to do anything with education, I’d want to be on the policy front where I can make changes happen on a wider scale. Second of all, I can’t imagine having to live at home for another year. And I can imagine my mother wouldn’t be too happy about it either. While for the most part, living at home is not so bad, but sometimes we really get on each other’s nerves. And the more I learn about my mother as I get older, the more I realize how different we are. She is passive aggressive, I’m not. She nags and makes me feel bad about stupid little things around the house. and worst of all, she lets my brother get away with so much more. It’s really ridiculous, considering I’m the more accomplished of the two siblings. Mwahaha. Okay, but in all seriousness, it is a real problem. I’ve realized more and more that our family merely consists of people who happen to be related, but really we have nothing in common. It’s sad, but it’s true for a lot of families, so I’m not devastated. Just disappointed. The final thing that disappoints me the most is that I didn’t follow through on my two-year plan like I’d intended to, and for some reason along the way, I dropped the ball. Now here I am in December 2009, not sure what the hell or where the hell I’ll be in 2010. And I really have no one to blame but myself.  Cheers to that…

Every day I feel like I’m just living by the day. It didn’t used to always be this way. I used to have a such clear-cut plan on what I wanted to do and how I was going to get it done. Now I constantly feel like I’m playing catch up, whether it’s studying for the LSAT or preparing teaching materials for my students.  Everything in my life just feels like scattered pieces of something else. It’s really unnerving. I just want to fast forward to the day I can get my score and really figure out what.the.fuck. I’m supposed to do now.

Sucks at life.

Remember those existential crises I used to go through almost daily in college? Yeah, they’re back and in full force.  Why and how? Because I’m applying to law schools, which means I need to go back through my college history and relive some unpleasant moments and also realize some unpleasant realities. For one, I flipped out so bad during the September LSAT that I ended up canceling my score. That’s right, I’ll need to take it a third time in December. Am I ready? Probably not. I’m now leaning towards not applying for another year. I’m already so far behind on my applications. My personal statement is a joke. I’m still missing one recommendation, which brings me to my second point. As I still need another recommendation to complete most of my applications, I asked one of my previous History professors to write a recommendation. Albeit I took his class back in 2006, he still remembered me. But let’s just say that he didn’t remember me in the fondest terms. In any case, he basically admitted that his recommendation would be lackluster at best and that I should ask someone else.

Ouch, right?

Yeah, that left a sour-ass taste in my mouth. I wrote back politely and “apologized” for my shyness getting in the way of my overall performance (I got an A in that class).  In any case, I thought it was a dick thing for him to do, but at least he was honest about it.  He could’ve just written a shitty recommendation without ever letting me know, which would’ve been even more dickish. But honestly, when did not speaking up in class qualify as a bad student?? I sure as hell didn’t get that memo.

And of course, this whole ordeal brings me back to my “why am I so lacking?” state of mind in terms of college. That’s pretty much the single most often asked question throughout my college career — why am I so fucking lacking?? Why can’t I be as smart or vocal as my classmates? Why am I so intimidated by a bunch of ivy league douche bags? I know I’m smart, but I have no way of proving any of it. Not even the LSAT can help me prove this. I mean, let’s get serious. The fact that I’ve been trying to take this goddamn test for two years now is a testament to the fact that I am ridiculously lacking. Ridiculously.

Fuck. I suck at life.

Bah, update!

Okay, so it’s clear that I’ve fallen off the updating wagon again, but I had a pretty good one-year streak going for a while, so I think maybe I should go easier on myself.  I survived my move-out-of-new-york-and-go-on-vacation-with-brian period.  I finished my AmeriCorps orientation and just began my first couple of days at my school.  In the last two days, my coworker and I have just been getting ourselves oriented and situated with the school and some of the reading techniques we’ll be using with the students. I’m both nervous and excited about starting with the kids, but I have a great coworker and I think this year will not be too bad.  It will certainly have its ups and downs, but I’m already looking forward to a life that doesn’t require me to stare at a computer for 8 hours a day.  It feels so liberating to not check my emails until I think about looking at my Blackberry, or not having any time to reply to people’s e-mails, or not know what the day’s biggest news is.  I think this will be a better experience than my last job.  Keep your fingers crossed!

I went to Martha’s Vineyard to visit Brian’s family with him for about a week after I moved out of my apartment.  It was incredibly fun, and I really enjoyed spending time with his family because they are so genuine and so nice.  They seemed to really like me and think that I’m a good influence on Brian, and I’m really glad that they think that because it was really important for me to make a good impression on them. The whole week was just very relaxing and Brian and I got to do some bonding. The goodbye at the airport wasn’t as tear-filled as we thought it would be. We’ve been talking on the phone everyday after work for the last couple of weeks, and he just bought his ticket to come visit for Thanksgiving.  I’m considering spending a week with him for New Year’s.  Things have just been going really well with the distance and our staying in touch. I know I’ve been in two long distances before Brian, but this is definitely very different.  Like I’ve mentioned before in my posts, I think he might be The One, so that’s probably why I feel so much more secure and confident this time around. I don’t suspect that he’s lying to me or cheating on me or not going to follow through on what he promises. With Brian, what I see is what I get, and that is arguably my favorite part about him.  In a nutshell, I’m crazy about him. He’s the first person I think of when I wake up and the last person I think about before I fall asleep. I’m constantly daydreaming about the day we’ll get to live together in the same city. I’m still unsure about whether I want to jump right into moving in with him once we get settled into our new city, but I’m warming up to the idea and could be persuaded once the time approaches. He’s the first person I want to tell my day to and anything interesting that comes up, and I can’t wait until I can do that everyday — in person. He’s quickly become my best friend and trusted confidant, who I feel comfortable telling anything to. Hell, we’ve even started farting in front of each other! Haha, if that’s not intimacy, I don’t know what is (ok, exaggeration).  Anyway, basically our plan is to visit each other every chance we get over the next 10 months, go traveling during the summer, and then settle into the same city. If all things go well, maybe all three things will be accomplished. If not, we’ll figure something else out. All I know is, life is so short, and I just want to spend my time with the person I love and care about. Everyday not spent doing that seems so regrettable.

Living at home has been a slightly touchy adjustment. My intention of coming home was to help out and not get in the way. While that has been going mostly well, there have been some instances of friction. But mainly these situations arise out of miscommunication. My mother is awful at communcation, and like mother, like daughter. So many of my conflicts with CPB last year arose from miscommunication and lack of communication, many times on my part. Don’t get me wrong, CPB was not some communication genius either — far from it. I just know that the main reason why we had so many problems was because TWO people had awful communication skills. Being with Brian has taught me some really useful communication techniques and taught me how to communicate my thoughts clearly and fairly, but it’s very hard to learn something that you haven’t really observed yourself while growing up. So it’s sort of a trial and error process.

The main issue is that I have never felt comfortable enough to approach my family with issues that concerned me. I attribute this largely to the fact that during my formative years, everyone was so busy with everything that was going on that they sort of just left me to my own devices. I can remember many instances during my childhood entertaining myself with little games and tasks because there was nothing I could do to entertain myself. I was not allowed to go outside to play with other kids very often, but at the same time, nobody at home was really emotionally or physically available to be with me. I’m not saying I was neglected, but I could never emotionally connect with my family members. I think that’s probably why I felt so depressed and alone in high school. Almost everyday, I can feel my attachment issues arise in interpersonal relationships — are they not inviting me to this event? Am I not well liked enough to join? What if this person’s not being honest with me? I can rarely admit that I’m wrong during conflicts because I’ve never been taught to be okay with being wrong and to discuss it.

There are just a lot of issues that have been left over from childhood that I’m still struggling with everyday. However, by knowing that I have these ongoing issues, it makes it easier for me to repress irrational thoughts. I frequently stop myself before I say or act on something irrational towards Brian. I know that my thoughts are irrational and I just need to let them pass before I say anything at all. Brian is so good for me that I would hate to think that my own insecurities or inabilities would push him away. Basically, these are some of the thoughts that have been floating around in my mind for the last few weeks.

I need to blog more often.

Long Awaited Update

The reason for my long delayed update can be attributed to the fact that my computer just stopped working one day. It was impossible for me to be on the computer more than 5 minutes before it would automatically restart itself.  Alas, I have fixed the problem and can finally blog again. All is well in the world.

I’m happy to report that since my last update, things have a changed a lot and for the better. I am still dating Brian and things have become very serious in the last two months. We have grown closer than ever and have had serious talks about the future.

This brings me to the happiest news to report — I finally decided to quit my joke of a job.  By the end of May, I’d decided that I would no longer work there/tolerate the horrible treatment I received.  I gave them a 3 month notice after a weeklong vacation to clear my head. My last day will be next Friday, and I can barely contain the excitement.  I toyed with multiple ideas about what I would do after this job, ranging from teaching English abroad to traveling and working odd jobs.  However, finally I settled on the idea of joining a 10-month AmeriCorps program in my home state.  That’s right, I’m going back to the West Coast in August.  I’ll be working for a youth literacy program at an elementary school, and I’ll be making less than half of what I make now, but I am so excited to finally be out of my current job and doing something worthwhile and meaningful. The sad part is that I’ll be leaving my favorite city in the world and many of my friends behind. I don’t think of this as a goodbye though, just a break. I know I’ll be back here again, but I need to take a break from this city.

Brian and I have discussed what we expect in the next year or so. I will apply to law schools in the Fall and he will be applying to new jobs, so hopefully we can overlap in location. That is our best scenario, and I think that we can work that out. We love each other so much, and we know that we are right for one another, so we really want to give this a chance. I feel scared and sad that I won’t see him much for the next year, but then I remind myself that things will get better in the end. I know it sounds crazy, but I think he is the one for me. I love him so much and I’ve never felt this way about anybody. And neither has he. It is so strong for the both of us, and everyone says that we have great chemistry together. It just feels really right to be with him, and I want to do everything possible to help stay that way.  I get really sad when I think about it, and I couldn’t stop crying last weekend as he left my apartment.  Bottom line is, I could really see myself spending the rest of my life with him.

So that’s the much-needed update. I am heading in a new direction in my life, and I’m excited as hell. I am more than proud of myself for having the courage to give up a decent-paying job for the sake of my own happiness. I know that I’m sacrificing a lot with this decision, but I think ultimately it will be the right decision.