Sucks at life.

Remember those existential crises I used to go through almost daily in college? Yeah, they’re back and in full force.  Why and how? Because I’m applying to law schools, which means I need to go back through my college history and relive some unpleasant moments and also realize some unpleasant realities. For one, I flipped out so bad during the September LSAT that I ended up canceling my score. That’s right, I’ll need to take it a third time in December. Am I ready? Probably not. I’m now leaning towards not applying for another year. I’m already so far behind on my applications. My personal statement is a joke. I’m still missing one recommendation, which brings me to my second point. As I still need another recommendation to complete most of my applications, I asked one of my previous History professors to write a recommendation. Albeit I took his class back in 2006, he still remembered me. But let’s just say that he didn’t remember me in the fondest terms. In any case, he basically admitted that his recommendation would be lackluster at best and that I should ask someone else.

Ouch, right?

Yeah, that left a sour-ass taste in my mouth. I wrote back politely and “apologized” for my shyness getting in the way of my overall performance (I got an A in that class).  In any case, I thought it was a dick thing for him to do, but at least he was honest about it.  He could’ve just written a shitty recommendation without ever letting me know, which would’ve been even more dickish. But honestly, when did not speaking up in class qualify as a bad student?? I sure as hell didn’t get that memo.

And of course, this whole ordeal brings me back to my “why am I so lacking?” state of mind in terms of college. That’s pretty much the single most often asked question throughout my college career — why am I so fucking lacking?? Why can’t I be as smart or vocal as my classmates? Why am I so intimidated by a bunch of ivy league douche bags? I know I’m smart, but I have no way of proving any of it. Not even the LSAT can help me prove this. I mean, let’s get serious. The fact that I’ve been trying to take this goddamn test for two years now is a testament to the fact that I am ridiculously lacking. Ridiculously.

Fuck. I suck at life.

#41

I haven’t properly blogged in a really long time, but that’s mainly because so many of things I’ve had to deal with have been extremely painful to think about, let alone to write about. I try to compartmentalize a lot of the negative emotions I feel every single day at work, so that when I come home, I can just sort of hide in my own world and try to do what I need to do (e.g. study for the LSAT).  I haven’t had the energy or the time, really, to see anybody, which has definitely taken a toll on my psyche and emotional health. I have never felt as lonely as I do now, and I have never felt as homesick as I do now. There have been many times during the day when I feel like catching the next flight back to the West Coast, crawling into my bed at home, and curling up into a fetal position for weeks. If I could do that, I think I could release all of this pent-up fatigue and frustration. I hate to admit it, but the stress of being alone after college — without any family or friends nearby — is starting affect me deeper than I thought it ever could. I hate to be one of the statistics of  young people who can’t handle the Real World, but alas, I am one in a million. It kills me.

For the past few weeks, CPB has reverted back to her manipulative ways, and the firm has failed to address successfully this problem. She was not reprimanded in any way, and if anything, she seemed to be in the right. It seems that my advocacy and voice fell on deaf ears. Some have encouraged me to try again, and to make clear that this is a serious, recurring issue. But I am tired. I am tired of thinking about this. I am tired of having to deal with this. I am tired of trying to stand up for myself and have nothing come of it. I really, really, really just want to quit this job. I know there are 25 people lined up outside who would kill for this job, and you know what? They can have it. Every single one of them. Because I am sick of being treated like shit and sick of being invisible.  I know I don’t deserve this, so I need to create options for myself. I dont know when I can quit or what I’ll do when I quit, but I am hoping it is soon.

On top of all of this, I am studying for the LSAT yet again. I have exactly two months left, and I am not anywhere near where I need to improve on this exam. I am constantly frustrated at the lack of time and energy I can devote to this exam because of the ridiculousness I need to deal with at work. The last thing I thought I’d need to worry about for the next two years ended up being the primary concern of my everyday life. This is completely uncalled for, and I can’t help but feel like a 3-year-old crying, “Life isn’t fair!” But I am. And that is truly how I feel. I am sick of feeling this way. I am sick of things not being handed to me. Since high school, I have always felt that I needed to work 10x as hard as everyone else just to keep up and be in the 50th percentile. I am sick of having to work so hard just to be mediocre. Why can’t things just come to me naturally?

I have so many things that are constantly becoming a nuisance in my life that the thought of having a long distance relationship with Brian is starting to strain and sour. It’s not that I don’t like him anymore, and it’s not that I don’t want to see him, but the fact that he is so far away almost makes it easy to forget that this relationship even exists. I am so absorbed in all of these things in front of me that I am honestly incapable of thinking about him as an entity. I know that sounds utterly selfish and ridiculous, but that is how I feel. It’s hard to even plan on seeing him on a certain weekend when I don’t even know how much time I’ll have to myself to study during the week. If I see him, I’ll get no studying done, and I can’t afford that right now, especially if I’m not accomplishing as much as I want during the week.

Little things about him are also starting to bother me. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m just getting stressed out and frustrated over my own life, and now I’m just nit-picking. I probably am, which is why I haven’t voiced any of these complaints, because I know they’re probably just remnants of  frustration and anger from my own life. I know I can’t take it out on him, but it’s hard to see it that way when you’re thinking about things in such a negative way. It bothers me that he hasn’t really offered any real advice in terms of how I should go about the CPB situation. It bothers me that he keeps asking me when he can see me when he clearly knows that I am absorbed in studying for this test. I almost want to say, “Look, you’re not going to law school; I am.  This is the rest of my life. I don’t even know if you’ll be in my life a year from now, but this test determines the rest of my life. I’m sorry, but this is way more important than you.” But of course, I can’t say that. It would be disastrous and teleport me straight to hell. 

All in all, my life is in shambles, and I’m not sure what the hell I’m supposed to do about it.

I was talking to my good friend Kim today, and she asked me whatever happened between me and Vicky. I guess I neglected to ever share that story with Kim, even though I thought I had. Retracing that story and re-analyzing that story made me think about Vicky all over again. Not in the obsessive way that I did before, but just the general feeling of regret and sadness that I was never able to reconcile with Vicky. I really did care about her and wanted so badly for things to return to normal between us, but it really was impossible. And I hate that. I shared so many good memories with her, and I wish I could still talk to her and get advice from her, especially during this time. It would just be so good if I could reconnect with her and some of her other friends. I really need as many connections as I can get in this city right now. I feel so fucking alone. I can’t stand this. I can’t stand the fact that I have no family on the East Coast. I can’t stand the fact that if I’m feeling like shit, I can’t just take the train or bus home for the weekend to recuperate. Instead, I have to go home to my little apartment and dwell over the emotions without having anyone to lean on. It is so fucking lonely. I am so fucking lonely.

Resolution Revelation

A new year, a new leaf.  I look back at 2008 with very little to hold on to. People always want to forget the old year and look forward to the new one, but for me, 2008 never created a permanent place in my mind or heart. It was sort of just… there, like that piece of furniture in your house that doesn’t necessarily bother you, but you know you could do without it.   So in reality, I can’t forget 2008 because it holds nothing to remember or to forget.  If anything, it was just a year of fighting my internal demons and trying to save myself from the person I could’ve been.

I tried to fight all the demons that stemmed from the Vicky situation somewhat successfully, though I would be lying if I said it wasn’t something I still struggle with everyday.  But alas, I’ve decided to put the whole thing behind me in 2009.  I was listening to Rachael Yamagata, and her songs remind me just how much her lyrics speak to me and my feelings for Vicky — every step of the way. From the beginning, to the good times, to the rough patch, and to the recovery… Right now, I think I’m at the recovery stage, just trying to dig myself up from the hole that I was buried in. I was buried deep in a hole filled with these thoughts and emotions for her that I just couldn’t seem to get rid of, even though I knew they were unfounded and irrational.  Anyway, these lyrics really speak to me right now with how I feel about the whole Vicky situation:

I don’t believe in you like I so wanted to
I hope you’re asking heavens above
To forgive all the damage you’ve done

And if I did teach you anything at all
I hope that you learned how to love
But I doubt if I’ll ever talk to you after now

- Rachael Yamagata, “Horizon”

It’s a new year, and I need to start afresh.  I really want something good to come out of 2009; I don’t want to view it like a piece of unwanted furniture in my life.  I want to find my place in life, and to spend time doing the things I love. I want to find myself and to improve my quality of life. I’m going to take the LSAT again and apply to law school in the fall. It’s time to get my life moving again, and forget all the things that held me in one place for much too long.

Now We Wait

And now the waiting begins. 3 weeks of living in torture — especially knowing that you completely screwed up the test. Words cannot express how much anger I felt after coming out of that exam center yesterday. I had a small piece of Powerbar leftover, and I just slammed it into the trash can outside as I walked out. I just couldn’t believe that after busting my ass off for 3 weeks and also the 2 months in July and August that it all came down to this bullshit. I can’t even believe they had a question about some dumbass octopus with his red balls or a question about a tickling machine! And I swear to God, they make this test just to torture people. The writing sample topic was about a city choosing between drilling wells and constructing reservoirs for a new water supply! WTF. Who the FUCK cares, LSAC? I just can’t believe how fucking hard that test was. I’d never encountered such difficulty in any of my practice tests, and I’ve taken pretty much every practice test in LSAC existence. That’s really the tragedy of this whole episode in my life. I took every practice test in LSAC existence, read the Powerscore Bibles front to back and back to front, consulted online nerds for help on individual questions, and covered my room with LSAT notes. And what now? I’d be lucky to score a 160. And then what? After I get my shitty score back, what the hell am I supposed to do? I’ve done all the practice tests. I thought I had my shit together. What else does the LSAC expect a girl to do? I mean, really. I should just cancel my score. There’s no point in leaving this score on my record and tainting it for 5 years. If I were to take it again, I don’t even know WHEN I could take it again. And what the hell am I supposed to study WITH?

The torture is waiting for the score for the next 3 weeks. And I really think I got the shitty end of the stick with a logical reasoning experimental section. Fuck, that shit was hard. I hate logical reasoning, and then to have 3 sections of it be logical reasoning was really just that final “haha, sucka!” from the LSAC. The LSAC is my number one enemy right now. If I could assassinate anyone, it would be the LSAC. Yes, the LSAC as one entity. I mean, you can’t even figure out which section is experimental because after a while, all the ridiculous argument questions mix together and you can’t even remember if that ridiculous question about llamas was in the first, third, or fourth section. So who knows which of the first and third sections of LR was about the llams? And was it experimental? What about that question about E.E. Cummings that apparently nobody remembers — even people who had LR as experimental?!

I’m going crazy thinking about this test, and I know it does nobody any good. It’s over and done with and there’s nothing else I can do about it. And I know most likely I will need to retake this test, but I just can’t help being completely furious over the fact that all of it came down to this bullshit about octopuses and llamas! That shit was so hard. I’d never encountered anything like that in my practice tests. Logic games weren’t bad. The third game was a little tricky because you had to juggle 3 different factors, but it wasn’t any different from the other stuff. The fourth game, which everyone said was hard, was really just a duality grouping game, which I think is one of the easiest types of games (If A in 1 then B is in 2, so naturally, if B is in 1 then A is in 2.) Reading Comprehension wasn’t bad at all. Pretty straight forward. I would’ve given my left arm for an experimental Games or Reading section! FUCK. I hate logical reasoning!!

And now we wait…

Fuck you, LSAC

The LSAT raped me in the ass.

Excuse my vulgar language.

Fuck.