There, I said it.

Chatter of LSAT score release has revved up in the last 24 hours or so.  Scores are rumored to be released tomorrow, or at least by the end of the week. Agony. Pure agony. I think I hate the LSAC more than I hate the College Board because at least the latter gave you the option of early score release for a nominal fee. The LSAC won’t even give you that satisfaction. I’d probably give my left arm to get a score right now, but that’s just me.

In other news, my personal statements are still fragments of my consciousness. No matter what I try to write about, it just comes out as trite and cliché and cheesy as hell, even though the topic I’m writing about isn’t. I’m having a hell of a time thinking coherently without spinning into such thoughts as, “There’s no way I’m going to get my apps in on time. My score is going to be awful anyway, so why even bother? I could be drinking a beer right now, instead of working on this futile task. I’ll need to wait another year before I can apply, so I’ll work on my personal statement for another year. Simple.” Then I think, “Shit, I don’t know what I’ll do for another year if I don’t get into law school. I need to turn these apps in so I can even have a chance, but shit, I don’t even have a personal statement.”

And here I am blogging, instead of writing the statement.  Sometimes I wonder if getting accepted to X College was my one moment under the sun. Compared to my efforts at applying to law school, my efforts at applying to college was like running the Iron Man Triathlon. I visited colleges as a junior in high school, way earlier than other students. I made sure to meet with certain people at X College to really get a feel for it. And I worked on my application for X College for hours on end before I finally submitted it via Early Decision.  Mind you, the application was two pages long (personal information, etc.) and required only a 2-page essay, so it wasn’t some massive document. In any case, my efforts paid off when my decision came back positive — and binding.  Law schools?  Not so much. I haven’t visited any schools, unless you count walking around the law school campus of X College trying to find a certain building as an undergrad.

Sometimes I think maybe my standards are just too high. A lot of people would argue that going to any law school and becoming a lawyer is better than, well, not. And maybe I’ve just been hanging around too many snobs because I seem to have this idea that unless I can go to a T14 school, my career prospects will be much lower. However, for my goals, I think I have to go to a T14. Not that I necessarily think that I am Supreme Court Justice Clerk material, but Justice Scalia recently said that they would never hire a grad from American University Law because they want the cream of the crop.  Naturally, that doesn’t make me think that schools outside of the T14 are worth going to if eventually I’d like to be involved in high profile nonprofits or government agencies.

In all vain honesty though, I think I just want the benefit of the doubt as an X Law School graduate the way I’ve had the benefit of the doubt as an X College graduate. When prospective employers look at my resume, I get the benefit of the doubt that because I went to such a highly competitive college, I must be _________. Thus, already I have a higher footing than a noncompetitive college grad. I know this sounds awful and elitist, but it really does make one’s life a lot easier. And really, that’s all I want out of getting into a good law school.

There, I said it. How about I put that down as my personal statement?

Journey in Limbo

Post-LSAT life has been bittersweet and very unmotivated, to say the least. On the up side, I can now drink beer on weeknights without feeling guilty that I should be taking a PT instead. On the down side, the more I think about the test, the more I’m certain of the questions that I missed. This makes me sad on so many obvious levels. First, that was supposed to be the last time I took it. The. Last. Time. Second, it’s so late in the cycle that without an amazing score, or close to amazing, I’m pretty much out of the running for any T14 schools. Third and worst of all, there is a real likelihood that I need to wait until next year to 1) take the LSAT again, since I can’t take it again until June/Sept 2010, and 2) apply to schools, of course.

All of this means that I’ll need to find something to do for yet another year during my “in-between” time. AmeriCorps was supposed to be a one-year deal, and I intend to keep it that way. First of all, while I like teaching and learning about the education system, it’s not for me. I think it’s a great cause to teach under privileged kids, but if I’m going to do anything with education, I’d want to be on the policy front where I can make changes happen on a wider scale. Second of all, I can’t imagine having to live at home for another year. And I can imagine my mother wouldn’t be too happy about it either. While for the most part, living at home is not so bad, but sometimes we really get on each other’s nerves. And the more I learn about my mother as I get older, the more I realize how different we are. She is passive aggressive, I’m not. She nags and makes me feel bad about stupid little things around the house. and worst of all, she lets my brother get away with so much more. It’s really ridiculous, considering I’m the more accomplished of the two siblings. Mwahaha. Okay, but in all seriousness, it is a real problem. I’ve realized more and more that our family merely consists of people who happen to be related, but really we have nothing in common. It’s sad, but it’s true for a lot of families, so I’m not devastated. Just disappointed. The final thing that disappoints me the most is that I didn’t follow through on my two-year plan like I’d intended to, and for some reason along the way, I dropped the ball. Now here I am in December 2009, not sure what the hell or where the hell I’ll be in 2010. And I really have no one to blame but myself.  Cheers to that…

Every day I feel like I’m just living by the day. It didn’t used to always be this way. I used to have a such clear-cut plan on what I wanted to do and how I was going to get it done. Now I constantly feel like I’m playing catch up, whether it’s studying for the LSAT or preparing teaching materials for my students.  Everything in my life just feels like scattered pieces of something else. It’s really unnerving. I just want to fast forward to the day I can get my score and really figure out what.the.fuck. I’m supposed to do now.

Post Test Anxiety

Okay, so I took the LSAT — for the third time. Hence, it should be my last time. “Should” being the keyword here. I went into the test feeling pretty confident with myself, thinking that I could maybe even hit a peak. I was testing at around low to mid-160s the couple of weeks going into the test, but the only thing that was really holding me back was Logical Reasoning and Logic Games. One reason my logic games started to backslide was because I’d been spending so much time on logical reasoning, so I kicked the studying up a big notch for that the week before the test, to warm myself up again.  (Logic games used to be my best section.)  I’m hoping that I picked up enough points on Logic Games to make up for a spotty performance on logical reasoning. Reading Comprehension seemed pretty straight forward. The fact that I’d gotten enough sleep all week and had a PowerBar before and another during the test made me alert and focused throughout the test, which is why I walked out feeling pretty confident about the whole thing. I’m hoping for high-160s and if God smiles down on me, low-170s.

However, I know in my heart of hearts that that is just not possible. After discussing some of the material with other test-takers online (I know, illegal), I realized that maybe I hadn’t done as well on logical reasoning as I’d hoped, and I don’t remember enough about the rest of the test to gauge whether or not I missed a lot in the other sections. It is all up in the air right now, and it is fucking scaring me shitless. I just don’t even know what to think right now. I came out of the test feeling pretty good about myself because I felt like I’d gotten to the point where I knew all the tricks, twists, and turns that the test could take, and I’d mentally prepared myself for all of them. But now I’m thinking maybe I wasn’t thinking as clearly or was even as alert as I thought I had been during the test. Granted, last time my nerves got to me, but this time I felt like I was as calm as Buddha.

So, in a nutshell, I just don’t know what to think.  But I pray to God that it is a decent score (165+), so that even if I can’t apply to the T14 schools, I can at least shoot for the top-20 or 30.

I really, really, really don’t want to put off law school for another year. Honestly, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I didn’t enroll in school next Fall. Kind of pathetic, I know, but I feel like time is moving, but I’m not moving with it. I just want to kick-start my career because right now it feels like a broken-down jalopy on the side of the road. Fuck.

Sucks at life.

Remember those existential crises I used to go through almost daily in college? Yeah, they’re back and in full force.  Why and how? Because I’m applying to law schools, which means I need to go back through my college history and relive some unpleasant moments and also realize some unpleasant realities. For one, I flipped out so bad during the September LSAT that I ended up canceling my score. That’s right, I’ll need to take it a third time in December. Am I ready? Probably not. I’m now leaning towards not applying for another year. I’m already so far behind on my applications. My personal statement is a joke. I’m still missing one recommendation, which brings me to my second point. As I still need another recommendation to complete most of my applications, I asked one of my previous History professors to write a recommendation. Albeit I took his class back in 2006, he still remembered me. But let’s just say that he didn’t remember me in the fondest terms. In any case, he basically admitted that his recommendation would be lackluster at best and that I should ask someone else.

Ouch, right?

Yeah, that left a sour-ass taste in my mouth. I wrote back politely and “apologized” for my shyness getting in the way of my overall performance (I got an A in that class).  In any case, I thought it was a dick thing for him to do, but at least he was honest about it.  He could’ve just written a shitty recommendation without ever letting me know, which would’ve been even more dickish. But honestly, when did not speaking up in class qualify as a bad student?? I sure as hell didn’t get that memo.

And of course, this whole ordeal brings me back to my “why am I so lacking?” state of mind in terms of college. That’s pretty much the single most often asked question throughout my college career — why am I so fucking lacking?? Why can’t I be as smart or vocal as my classmates? Why am I so intimidated by a bunch of ivy league douche bags? I know I’m smart, but I have no way of proving any of it. Not even the LSAT can help me prove this. I mean, let’s get serious. The fact that I’ve been trying to take this goddamn test for two years now is a testament to the fact that I am ridiculously lacking. Ridiculously.

Fuck. I suck at life.

#41

I haven’t properly blogged in a really long time, but that’s mainly because so many of things I’ve had to deal with have been extremely painful to think about, let alone to write about. I try to compartmentalize a lot of the negative emotions I feel every single day at work, so that when I come home, I can just sort of hide in my own world and try to do what I need to do (e.g. study for the LSAT).  I haven’t had the energy or the time, really, to see anybody, which has definitely taken a toll on my psyche and emotional health. I have never felt as lonely as I do now, and I have never felt as homesick as I do now. There have been many times during the day when I feel like catching the next flight back to the West Coast, crawling into my bed at home, and curling up into a fetal position for weeks. If I could do that, I think I could release all of this pent-up fatigue and frustration. I hate to admit it, but the stress of being alone after college — without any family or friends nearby — is starting affect me deeper than I thought it ever could. I hate to be one of the statistics of  young people who can’t handle the Real World, but alas, I am one in a million. It kills me.

For the past few weeks, CPB has reverted back to her manipulative ways, and the firm has failed to address successfully this problem. She was not reprimanded in any way, and if anything, she seemed to be in the right. It seems that my advocacy and voice fell on deaf ears. Some have encouraged me to try again, and to make clear that this is a serious, recurring issue. But I am tired. I am tired of thinking about this. I am tired of having to deal with this. I am tired of trying to stand up for myself and have nothing come of it. I really, really, really just want to quit this job. I know there are 25 people lined up outside who would kill for this job, and you know what? They can have it. Every single one of them. Because I am sick of being treated like shit and sick of being invisible.  I know I don’t deserve this, so I need to create options for myself. I dont know when I can quit or what I’ll do when I quit, but I am hoping it is soon.

On top of all of this, I am studying for the LSAT yet again. I have exactly two months left, and I am not anywhere near where I need to improve on this exam. I am constantly frustrated at the lack of time and energy I can devote to this exam because of the ridiculousness I need to deal with at work. The last thing I thought I’d need to worry about for the next two years ended up being the primary concern of my everyday life. This is completely uncalled for, and I can’t help but feel like a 3-year-old crying, “Life isn’t fair!” But I am. And that is truly how I feel. I am sick of feeling this way. I am sick of things not being handed to me. Since high school, I have always felt that I needed to work 10x as hard as everyone else just to keep up and be in the 50th percentile. I am sick of having to work so hard just to be mediocre. Why can’t things just come to me naturally?

I have so many things that are constantly becoming a nuisance in my life that the thought of having a long distance relationship with Brian is starting to strain and sour. It’s not that I don’t like him anymore, and it’s not that I don’t want to see him, but the fact that he is so far away almost makes it easy to forget that this relationship even exists. I am so absorbed in all of these things in front of me that I am honestly incapable of thinking about him as an entity. I know that sounds utterly selfish and ridiculous, but that is how I feel. It’s hard to even plan on seeing him on a certain weekend when I don’t even know how much time I’ll have to myself to study during the week. If I see him, I’ll get no studying done, and I can’t afford that right now, especially if I’m not accomplishing as much as I want during the week.

Little things about him are also starting to bother me. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m just getting stressed out and frustrated over my own life, and now I’m just nit-picking. I probably am, which is why I haven’t voiced any of these complaints, because I know they’re probably just remnants of  frustration and anger from my own life. I know I can’t take it out on him, but it’s hard to see it that way when you’re thinking about things in such a negative way. It bothers me that he hasn’t really offered any real advice in terms of how I should go about the CPB situation. It bothers me that he keeps asking me when he can see me when he clearly knows that I am absorbed in studying for this test. I almost want to say, “Look, you’re not going to law school; I am.  This is the rest of my life. I don’t even know if you’ll be in my life a year from now, but this test determines the rest of my life. I’m sorry, but this is way more important than you.” But of course, I can’t say that. It would be disastrous and teleport me straight to hell. 

All in all, my life is in shambles, and I’m not sure what the hell I’m supposed to do about it.

I was talking to my good friend Kim today, and she asked me whatever happened between me and Vicky. I guess I neglected to ever share that story with Kim, even though I thought I had. Retracing that story and re-analyzing that story made me think about Vicky all over again. Not in the obsessive way that I did before, but just the general feeling of regret and sadness that I was never able to reconcile with Vicky. I really did care about her and wanted so badly for things to return to normal between us, but it really was impossible. And I hate that. I shared so many good memories with her, and I wish I could still talk to her and get advice from her, especially during this time. It would just be so good if I could reconnect with her and some of her other friends. I really need as many connections as I can get in this city right now. I feel so fucking alone. I can’t stand this. I can’t stand the fact that I have no family on the East Coast. I can’t stand the fact that if I’m feeling like shit, I can’t just take the train or bus home for the weekend to recuperate. Instead, I have to go home to my little apartment and dwell over the emotions without having anyone to lean on. It is so fucking lonely. I am so fucking lonely.