Sucks at life.

Remember those existential crises I used to go through almost daily in college? Yeah, they’re back and in full force.  Why and how? Because I’m applying to law schools, which means I need to go back through my college history and relive some unpleasant moments and also realize some unpleasant realities. For one, I flipped out so bad during the September LSAT that I ended up canceling my score. That’s right, I’ll need to take it a third time in December. Am I ready? Probably not. I’m now leaning towards not applying for another year. I’m already so far behind on my applications. My personal statement is a joke. I’m still missing one recommendation, which brings me to my second point. As I still need another recommendation to complete most of my applications, I asked one of my previous History professors to write a recommendation. Albeit I took his class back in 2006, he still remembered me. But let’s just say that he didn’t remember me in the fondest terms. In any case, he basically admitted that his recommendation would be lackluster at best and that I should ask someone else.

Ouch, right?

Yeah, that left a sour-ass taste in my mouth. I wrote back politely and “apologized” for my shyness getting in the way of my overall performance (I got an A in that class).  In any case, I thought it was a dick thing for him to do, but at least he was honest about it.  He could’ve just written a shitty recommendation without ever letting me know, which would’ve been even more dickish. But honestly, when did not speaking up in class qualify as a bad student?? I sure as hell didn’t get that memo.

And of course, this whole ordeal brings me back to my “why am I so lacking?” state of mind in terms of college. That’s pretty much the single most often asked question throughout my college career — why am I so fucking lacking?? Why can’t I be as smart or vocal as my classmates? Why am I so intimidated by a bunch of ivy league douche bags? I know I’m smart, but I have no way of proving any of it. Not even the LSAT can help me prove this. I mean, let’s get serious. The fact that I’ve been trying to take this goddamn test for two years now is a testament to the fact that I am ridiculously lacking. Ridiculously.

Fuck. I suck at life.

Bah, update!

Okay, so it’s clear that I’ve fallen off the updating wagon again, but I had a pretty good one-year streak going for a while, so I think maybe I should go easier on myself.  I survived my move-out-of-new-york-and-go-on-vacation-with-brian period.  I finished my AmeriCorps orientation and just began my first couple of days at my school.  In the last two days, my coworker and I have just been getting ourselves oriented and situated with the school and some of the reading techniques we’ll be using with the students. I’m both nervous and excited about starting with the kids, but I have a great coworker and I think this year will not be too bad.  It will certainly have its ups and downs, but I’m already looking forward to a life that doesn’t require me to stare at a computer for 8 hours a day.  It feels so liberating to not check my emails until I think about looking at my Blackberry, or not having any time to reply to people’s e-mails, or not know what the day’s biggest news is.  I think this will be a better experience than my last job.  Keep your fingers crossed!

I went to Martha’s Vineyard to visit Brian’s family with him for about a week after I moved out of my apartment.  It was incredibly fun, and I really enjoyed spending time with his family because they are so genuine and so nice.  They seemed to really like me and think that I’m a good influence on Brian, and I’m really glad that they think that because it was really important for me to make a good impression on them. The whole week was just very relaxing and Brian and I got to do some bonding. The goodbye at the airport wasn’t as tear-filled as we thought it would be. We’ve been talking on the phone everyday after work for the last couple of weeks, and he just bought his ticket to come visit for Thanksgiving.  I’m considering spending a week with him for New Year’s.  Things have just been going really well with the distance and our staying in touch. I know I’ve been in two long distances before Brian, but this is definitely very different.  Like I’ve mentioned before in my posts, I think he might be The One, so that’s probably why I feel so much more secure and confident this time around. I don’t suspect that he’s lying to me or cheating on me or not going to follow through on what he promises. With Brian, what I see is what I get, and that is arguably my favorite part about him.  In a nutshell, I’m crazy about him. He’s the first person I think of when I wake up and the last person I think about before I fall asleep. I’m constantly daydreaming about the day we’ll get to live together in the same city. I’m still unsure about whether I want to jump right into moving in with him once we get settled into our new city, but I’m warming up to the idea and could be persuaded once the time approaches. He’s the first person I want to tell my day to and anything interesting that comes up, and I can’t wait until I can do that everyday — in person. He’s quickly become my best friend and trusted confidant, who I feel comfortable telling anything to. Hell, we’ve even started farting in front of each other! Haha, if that’s not intimacy, I don’t know what is (ok, exaggeration).  Anyway, basically our plan is to visit each other every chance we get over the next 10 months, go traveling during the summer, and then settle into the same city. If all things go well, maybe all three things will be accomplished. If not, we’ll figure something else out. All I know is, life is so short, and I just want to spend my time with the person I love and care about. Everyday not spent doing that seems so regrettable.

Living at home has been a slightly touchy adjustment. My intention of coming home was to help out and not get in the way. While that has been going mostly well, there have been some instances of friction. But mainly these situations arise out of miscommunication. My mother is awful at communcation, and like mother, like daughter. So many of my conflicts with CPB last year arose from miscommunication and lack of communication, many times on my part. Don’t get me wrong, CPB was not some communication genius either — far from it. I just know that the main reason why we had so many problems was because TWO people had awful communication skills. Being with Brian has taught me some really useful communication techniques and taught me how to communicate my thoughts clearly and fairly, but it’s very hard to learn something that you haven’t really observed yourself while growing up. So it’s sort of a trial and error process.

The main issue is that I have never felt comfortable enough to approach my family with issues that concerned me. I attribute this largely to the fact that during my formative years, everyone was so busy with everything that was going on that they sort of just left me to my own devices. I can remember many instances during my childhood entertaining myself with little games and tasks because there was nothing I could do to entertain myself. I was not allowed to go outside to play with other kids very often, but at the same time, nobody at home was really emotionally or physically available to be with me. I’m not saying I was neglected, but I could never emotionally connect with my family members. I think that’s probably why I felt so depressed and alone in high school. Almost everyday, I can feel my attachment issues arise in interpersonal relationships — are they not inviting me to this event? Am I not well liked enough to join? What if this person’s not being honest with me? I can rarely admit that I’m wrong during conflicts because I’ve never been taught to be okay with being wrong and to discuss it.

There are just a lot of issues that have been left over from childhood that I’m still struggling with everyday. However, by knowing that I have these ongoing issues, it makes it easier for me to repress irrational thoughts. I frequently stop myself before I say or act on something irrational towards Brian. I know that my thoughts are irrational and I just need to let them pass before I say anything at all. Brian is so good for me that I would hate to think that my own insecurities or inabilities would push him away. Basically, these are some of the thoughts that have been floating around in my mind for the last few weeks.

I need to blog more often.

Fatal Flaws

I admit that this recent episode was my fault, but at the same time, I don’t believe that I should take 100% of the blame.  Often I try to let things roll off my back and not dwell on them too much probably because 1) I’m afraid to confront the truth and 2) I know that if I don’t, my thoughts will be consumed by them.  I am very much prone to obsessing over things, which is why I try whenever I can to nip them at the bud. Sometimes I’m successful, and other times it’s a real struggle (see: Vicky).  Perhaps my two fatal flaws are being simultaneously overly passive and overly aggressive.

I visited my friend Lynn over the long weekend, which eventually led to a full blown, drunken argument at the end of the last night I was there. It was completely blown out of proportion on both our parts, but I was the one who committed the fatal fault of calling her a “fucking idiot,” which she held against and probably will hold against me for a while. Now, I think with my other friends, like Diana, they would probably forget the whole thing by morning time and write it off as a drunken, irrational argument where people said things they didn’t mean. At least that’s what I did. But not Lynn. She held it against for the last two days and made sure I knew exactly what she was thinking of me. I tried the best I could clarify my stance, apologize for my behavior, and to see things from a sober perspective. I felt that I had outlined my arguments clearly and fairly. The response I received was so intense, so rigid, and so… callous.  It was not a response you would expect from a friend who can forgive and forget and rise above a ridiculous, intoxicated situation. It has been bothering me for the last 12 hours, and I’m not sure why. It might actually be the first time in a long time that I’ve encountered an argument with a friend in which a sincere and heartfelt apology was taken in such a disregarded manner. I know she was furious with me, but my apology was obvious and deliberate, so I’m not sure what the problem was.  Maybe I’m a little taken aback by the fact that a person whose friendship I valued was unable to overlook 20 minutes of a drunken argument in favor of 2 years of a meaningful friendship. In my view, a true friend is able to look past a petty situation, take into account the mental state of said situation, mindfully accept a sincere and deliberate apology, and move on. By the end, I felt as if I were in the middle of a relationship fight, not a friendship fight, and I had no words left.

Although I think we’ve resolved our differences and moved past this particular episode, I have a feeling that I won’t be talking to or seeing Lynn for a while.  I walked away from the resolution feeling a bit… jipped. I know I had overreacted and hit below the belt with my comment, but what led me to that mental state wasn’t completely of my own doing. She had an equal hand in all of this. I am not going to try to analyze rationally and logically what went on during that argument because, honestly, drunken arguments aren’t meant to be revisited in a rational and logical way. They are meant to be tossed aside as momentary lapses of judgment. Regardless, even though I voiced these concerns and made clear what offended me in the first place, she cast them aside and focused on the end result of my comment. Fair enough it was a shitty and thoughtless comment, but how we got there deserves to be looked at as well, doesn’t it?  

This whole episode just reminded me of the temper problem that I am constantly struggling with. I hate blaming situations like this on PMS, but I think it really is PMS this time, as I got my period yesterday. It’d been a long time since I “saw red,” so this really caught me off guard. I was, of course, embarassed by my behavior, which is probably the sole reason I wanted this to roll off my back and to be forgotten with. I really have to work on being mindful of situations like this when I know that my temper can flare and I can say something that I regret. Things like this happened with Spencer all the time toward the end of our relationship, and I vowed never to let it happen with anyone else I dated. Even though Spencer was an asshole in the end, I still shouldn’t have acted the way I did with him. Friends are no different, but I need to remember times like these so that Brian, or anyone else I date in the future, doesn’t become victim to this sort of abuse. Because really, this is abuse — verbal and emotional abuse.

Resolution Revelation

A new year, a new leaf.  I look back at 2008 with very little to hold on to. People always want to forget the old year and look forward to the new one, but for me, 2008 never created a permanent place in my mind or heart. It was sort of just… there, like that piece of furniture in your house that doesn’t necessarily bother you, but you know you could do without it.   So in reality, I can’t forget 2008 because it holds nothing to remember or to forget.  If anything, it was just a year of fighting my internal demons and trying to save myself from the person I could’ve been.

I tried to fight all the demons that stemmed from the Vicky situation somewhat successfully, though I would be lying if I said it wasn’t something I still struggle with everyday.  But alas, I’ve decided to put the whole thing behind me in 2009.  I was listening to Rachael Yamagata, and her songs remind me just how much her lyrics speak to me and my feelings for Vicky — every step of the way. From the beginning, to the good times, to the rough patch, and to the recovery… Right now, I think I’m at the recovery stage, just trying to dig myself up from the hole that I was buried in. I was buried deep in a hole filled with these thoughts and emotions for her that I just couldn’t seem to get rid of, even though I knew they were unfounded and irrational.  Anyway, these lyrics really speak to me right now with how I feel about the whole Vicky situation:

I don’t believe in you like I so wanted to
I hope you’re asking heavens above
To forgive all the damage you’ve done

And if I did teach you anything at all
I hope that you learned how to love
But I doubt if I’ll ever talk to you after now

- Rachael Yamagata, “Horizon”

It’s a new year, and I need to start afresh.  I really want something good to come out of 2009; I don’t want to view it like a piece of unwanted furniture in my life.  I want to find my place in life, and to spend time doing the things I love. I want to find myself and to improve my quality of life. I’m going to take the LSAT again and apply to law school in the fall. It’s time to get my life moving again, and forget all the things that held me in one place for much too long.

Forgettable Affairs

As it has probably been obvious in the last year or so, I’ve had more forgettable affairs than I care to think about. Some have lasted a little longer than a month, others lasted a few days, or even a few hours. My love life has gathered more cobwebs than I care to count. There’s a part of me that wishes I had someone to share my life with, and then there’s a part of me that doesn’t know what I want — a relationship or not? Maybe it’s one of those things where you don’t know what you want until you’ve found it. I can’t even articulate what I want.

I thought I wanted to be with someone, but in the last month or so, the two people I’ve dated just seemed so… meh. Adam was a kind and considerate person, but he was too self-involved and didn’t seem to understand that a conversation is a two-way street. Nobody likes monologues on a date. He constantly interrupted me, and then proceeded to ask questions like, “Why don’t you ever talk about yourself?” Cue the eye-rolling. Plus, he refused to let me pay, and put up a real fight when I insisted. It was intense, and it’s a threat to my femininity. I stopped replying to his text messages and e-mails.  I think he gets the message. I thought about ending it in a “mature” way, but then I realized that I’d only gone on three dates with the guy, so I don’t think it’s that big of a deal.

Then there’s Jason, who I met through a friend. He’s also… nice. Quiet and shy, and a little more awkward than I like. I like awkward guys sometimes, but not when they are too awkward. I’m not sure whether he likes me or not, but I don’t think I’m attracted to him. There’s just no spark, and I don’t really think we have that much in common besides the fact that we are both interested in the legal profession. I think he’s a really great guy, and I’d love to be friends with him, but everyone knows men and women can never be friends. I guess we’ll just see.

I want to meet someone who…

• makes me excited for the day when I wake up.  
• understands my dry sense of humor and can dish back exactly what I dish to him. 
• makes me laugh until my stomach hurts and milk is coming out of my nose. 
• shares my passion for good food, good beer, and good music. 
• loves to cook, travel, watch TV, and play video games just as much as he loves to explore new music, new bars, and new restaurants in the city. 
• is not afraid to pay the cover or the ticket price to get into a concert for a band he’s never heard of. 
• wants to be spontaneous for a date, because he knows that it’s not about what you do but who you’re with that makes a night fun. 
• can teach me something new.
• makes me want to be the best person I can be every single day.

But at the end of the day, and after all these criteria, I really just want… spark.  Why is it so hard to find someone with whom you have chemistry and a connection?