Falling Like Leaves

He’s going to hate me when he realizes that there was nothing here to begin with. He’s going to regret doing so much for me and thinking of me the way he does. He’s going to rethink everything he’s known about me so far. 

Well, it’s not easy on this end either. If I’ve learned anything from this whole ordeal, it’s that I need to trust my gut instincts even when I don’t see danger ahead. I knew from the second date that Jason was well-intentioned but dull, compassionate but too ordinary. I knew he couldn’t give me the intellectual and emotional stimulation that I needed to sustain even a semi-serious relationship.  And yet, I let it drag on, thinking that if I really had no good reason to stop seeing him, then I shouldn’t.

But the reality is, not having a good reason to keep seeing him was a good enough reason to stop seeing him. So there, lesson learned. But I will need to wait another 3 weeks to finalize the end with him. We had sex on Saturday, but it was only afterward that I found out that he had been a virgin. Needless to say, it really freaked me out. Not because I thought he had taken his virginity seriously, but because I could tell he had grown even more attached. He revealed many of his emotions that he’d not revealed before, probably because he had been unsure and uncomfortable with himself. But the sex changed everything.

For me, I recoiled and withdrew completely. I was emotionally vacant. I panicked. I couldn’t believe that he had been a virgin. If he had told me before, I would never have agreed to sleep with him. I could never sleep with a virgin knowing that I hadn’t been that interested in him to begin with. It was shallow, vain and selfish. I should have ended this courtship 3 months ago, and I knew it.  But curiosity got the better part of me. I even told a friend that if he hadn’t been good in bed, I was going to end it for good. Now, I feel like ending things with him immediately after taking his virginity would compound the negative consequences. 

His view of relationships and sex will be tainted forever. And I will be responsible for this. Not that I am needlessly beating myself up over this, but it sucks to know that I could’ve contributed to society in this way. Because I never had malicious intent. I just think that Jason needs a girl who understands and appreciates his personality and interests the way I could never do. I am not lucky enough to realize what a kind-hearted and genuine person he is. We are not compatible, and that saddens me more than he could ever imagine. I wish we could work. I wish I were interested in him. But alas, I am not, and I must end this before it goes on for too long.

Forgettable Affairs

As it has probably been obvious in the last year or so, I’ve had more forgettable affairs than I care to think about. Some have lasted a little longer than a month, others lasted a few days, or even a few hours. My love life has gathered more cobwebs than I care to count. There’s a part of me that wishes I had someone to share my life with, and then there’s a part of me that doesn’t know what I want — a relationship or not? Maybe it’s one of those things where you don’t know what you want until you’ve found it. I can’t even articulate what I want.

I thought I wanted to be with someone, but in the last month or so, the two people I’ve dated just seemed so… meh. Adam was a kind and considerate person, but he was too self-involved and didn’t seem to understand that a conversation is a two-way street. Nobody likes monologues on a date. He constantly interrupted me, and then proceeded to ask questions like, “Why don’t you ever talk about yourself?” Cue the eye-rolling. Plus, he refused to let me pay, and put up a real fight when I insisted. It was intense, and it’s a threat to my femininity. I stopped replying to his text messages and e-mails.  I think he gets the message. I thought about ending it in a “mature” way, but then I realized that I’d only gone on three dates with the guy, so I don’t think it’s that big of a deal.

Then there’s Jason, who I met through a friend. He’s also… nice. Quiet and shy, and a little more awkward than I like. I like awkward guys sometimes, but not when they are too awkward. I’m not sure whether he likes me or not, but I don’t think I’m attracted to him. There’s just no spark, and I don’t really think we have that much in common besides the fact that we are both interested in the legal profession. I think he’s a really great guy, and I’d love to be friends with him, but everyone knows men and women can never be friends. I guess we’ll just see.

I want to meet someone who…

• makes me excited for the day when I wake up.  
• understands my dry sense of humor and can dish back exactly what I dish to him. 
• makes me laugh until my stomach hurts and milk is coming out of my nose. 
• shares my passion for good food, good beer, and good music. 
• loves to cook, travel, watch TV, and play video games just as much as he loves to explore new music, new bars, and new restaurants in the city. 
• is not afraid to pay the cover or the ticket price to get into a concert for a band he’s never heard of. 
• wants to be spontaneous for a date, because he knows that it’s not about what you do but who you’re with that makes a night fun. 
• can teach me something new.
• makes me want to be the best person I can be every single day.

But at the end of the day, and after all these criteria, I really just want… spark.  Why is it so hard to find someone with whom you have chemistry and a connection?