girl flirting

I am a sucker for girls who exude confidence and authority.  Oh, and blondes.   Haha, I am such a sucker for blondes.  I work at a year-round school, and this past week had been intersession, meaning that the students had the week off, but had the option of coming to school for half days.  Our theme was pumpkins, so we’d been working with the physical aspects of pumpkins, writing poems about pumpkins, making pumpkin cookies, etc.  The intersession coordinator was a 3rd grade teacher, Mrs. Beck, who is in her mid-30s, married, and has two kids.   She has blonde hair, is lean, beautiful eyes, and a great smile.  She was in charge of the activities and coordinating all the teachers and students for various events.  I saw her pretty regularly this week, whereas I usually see her in passing maybe once or twice a day.  I have to admit that when I first met her, I sort of just wrote her off as a state-school blonde who went into education.  But after working with her, I found her to be incredibly witty, confident, organized, and to the point.  All of a sudden I was attracted to her. I even flirted with her at one point! As a volunteer at the school, I never really have personally engaging conversations with the teachers and never really joke around with them, but when I spoke to her, I wanted to do all of these things.

One thing that’s always struck me about girls is that it is really, really hard to distinguish girl flirtation from girl friendliness. I don’t think guys have this problem, because for the most part, they don’t get that friendly or personal with each other. There’s always that “manly” component, where they don’t talk about emotions or get too emotionally attached to each other, which means they don’t really have intimate interactions the way girls do.  Girls hug, girls touch each other when they’re talking to one another, girl’s wink at one another, girls talk about personal topics without feeling fidgety about them, so on and so forth. It’s so hard to tell whether a girl is really flirting with you, or just being really friendly! Anyway, I could have sworn that I caught Mrs. Beck flirting back with me, but I know that that’s all in my head. The woman’s married, has two kids, and is involved with her own life.  Why the hell would she be flirting with a nobody young’in like me? Still, it’s fun to entertain the idea, and imagine her inviting me into her classroom for a hot make out session.  Haha. Seriously though, I was so turned on by her this week and I could not stop thinking about her and the way she would look without her clothes on.  She has the cutest little body and the most radiant smile. She’s beautiful, and her husband is a lucky man.

I’m a sucker for confident, beautiful blondes. And Indian girls, for that matter (Vicky).

Explore

Recently I’ve been having some very vivid lesbian dreams. As it should have become clear by now, I go through phases of intense attraction to women — the last being Vicky about two years ago.  Since I’ve started dating Brian, those impulses have surfaced less often and with less intensity. I’m still occasionally attracted to girls.  Though the time away from him has allowed these impulses to reappear without inhibition, which may be a good thing.   Since these dreams keep recurring, I haven’t been able to stop fantasizing about being with a woman. I’m not looking for a relationship, but I would love to find someone with whom I have great chemistry and am attracted to just to explore and experiment more where Vicky and I left off.

I haven’t talked to Vicky in almost a year, and I don’t plan to any time soon, especially since I no longer live in NYC.  However, I’ve been looking through our old chat logs and e-mails, and I can’t help but laugh and smile when I read through our conversations and relive the hilarious experiences we had during our last year of college. Those were really good times, and as usual, I walk away from the e-mails feeling regret and remorse for the way things ended. I wish I could talk to her still like any other friend, but I know that is impossible. And when I read the e-mails we exchanged after that night, all I can do is grimace sometimes because they were so awkward and so… hurtful. The way she hid herself away and denied everything and tried to pretend like nothing had happened — it was all just so hurtful and unnecessary.  I wish none of it had happened, but at the same time, I wish it hadn’t ended. I wanted to explore more, and I wanted to explore with a friend, someone I trusted. But it ended, and for what?  Nothing.

If I could have one more chance to experiment with someone with as much chemistry as Vicky and I had, it would be so fulfilling and it would help me tie up the emotional loose ends. I want that.

She said, “You’re a masochist for falling for me.”

#41

I haven’t properly blogged in a really long time, but that’s mainly because so many of things I’ve had to deal with have been extremely painful to think about, let alone to write about. I try to compartmentalize a lot of the negative emotions I feel every single day at work, so that when I come home, I can just sort of hide in my own world and try to do what I need to do (e.g. study for the LSAT).  I haven’t had the energy or the time, really, to see anybody, which has definitely taken a toll on my psyche and emotional health. I have never felt as lonely as I do now, and I have never felt as homesick as I do now. There have been many times during the day when I feel like catching the next flight back to the West Coast, crawling into my bed at home, and curling up into a fetal position for weeks. If I could do that, I think I could release all of this pent-up fatigue and frustration. I hate to admit it, but the stress of being alone after college — without any family or friends nearby — is starting affect me deeper than I thought it ever could. I hate to be one of the statistics of  young people who can’t handle the Real World, but alas, I am one in a million. It kills me.

For the past few weeks, CPB has reverted back to her manipulative ways, and the firm has failed to address successfully this problem. She was not reprimanded in any way, and if anything, she seemed to be in the right. It seems that my advocacy and voice fell on deaf ears. Some have encouraged me to try again, and to make clear that this is a serious, recurring issue. But I am tired. I am tired of thinking about this. I am tired of having to deal with this. I am tired of trying to stand up for myself and have nothing come of it. I really, really, really just want to quit this job. I know there are 25 people lined up outside who would kill for this job, and you know what? They can have it. Every single one of them. Because I am sick of being treated like shit and sick of being invisible.  I know I don’t deserve this, so I need to create options for myself. I dont know when I can quit or what I’ll do when I quit, but I am hoping it is soon.

On top of all of this, I am studying for the LSAT yet again. I have exactly two months left, and I am not anywhere near where I need to improve on this exam. I am constantly frustrated at the lack of time and energy I can devote to this exam because of the ridiculousness I need to deal with at work. The last thing I thought I’d need to worry about for the next two years ended up being the primary concern of my everyday life. This is completely uncalled for, and I can’t help but feel like a 3-year-old crying, “Life isn’t fair!” But I am. And that is truly how I feel. I am sick of feeling this way. I am sick of things not being handed to me. Since high school, I have always felt that I needed to work 10x as hard as everyone else just to keep up and be in the 50th percentile. I am sick of having to work so hard just to be mediocre. Why can’t things just come to me naturally?

I have so many things that are constantly becoming a nuisance in my life that the thought of having a long distance relationship with Brian is starting to strain and sour. It’s not that I don’t like him anymore, and it’s not that I don’t want to see him, but the fact that he is so far away almost makes it easy to forget that this relationship even exists. I am so absorbed in all of these things in front of me that I am honestly incapable of thinking about him as an entity. I know that sounds utterly selfish and ridiculous, but that is how I feel. It’s hard to even plan on seeing him on a certain weekend when I don’t even know how much time I’ll have to myself to study during the week. If I see him, I’ll get no studying done, and I can’t afford that right now, especially if I’m not accomplishing as much as I want during the week.

Little things about him are also starting to bother me. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m just getting stressed out and frustrated over my own life, and now I’m just nit-picking. I probably am, which is why I haven’t voiced any of these complaints, because I know they’re probably just remnants of  frustration and anger from my own life. I know I can’t take it out on him, but it’s hard to see it that way when you’re thinking about things in such a negative way. It bothers me that he hasn’t really offered any real advice in terms of how I should go about the CPB situation. It bothers me that he keeps asking me when he can see me when he clearly knows that I am absorbed in studying for this test. I almost want to say, “Look, you’re not going to law school; I am.  This is the rest of my life. I don’t even know if you’ll be in my life a year from now, but this test determines the rest of my life. I’m sorry, but this is way more important than you.” But of course, I can’t say that. It would be disastrous and teleport me straight to hell. 

All in all, my life is in shambles, and I’m not sure what the hell I’m supposed to do about it.

I was talking to my good friend Kim today, and she asked me whatever happened between me and Vicky. I guess I neglected to ever share that story with Kim, even though I thought I had. Retracing that story and re-analyzing that story made me think about Vicky all over again. Not in the obsessive way that I did before, but just the general feeling of regret and sadness that I was never able to reconcile with Vicky. I really did care about her and wanted so badly for things to return to normal between us, but it really was impossible. And I hate that. I shared so many good memories with her, and I wish I could still talk to her and get advice from her, especially during this time. It would just be so good if I could reconnect with her and some of her other friends. I really need as many connections as I can get in this city right now. I feel so fucking alone. I can’t stand this. I can’t stand the fact that I have no family on the East Coast. I can’t stand the fact that if I’m feeling like shit, I can’t just take the train or bus home for the weekend to recuperate. Instead, I have to go home to my little apartment and dwell over the emotions without having anyone to lean on. It is so fucking lonely. I am so fucking lonely.

Fatal Flaws

I admit that this recent episode was my fault, but at the same time, I don’t believe that I should take 100% of the blame.  Often I try to let things roll off my back and not dwell on them too much probably because 1) I’m afraid to confront the truth and 2) I know that if I don’t, my thoughts will be consumed by them.  I am very much prone to obsessing over things, which is why I try whenever I can to nip them at the bud. Sometimes I’m successful, and other times it’s a real struggle (see: Vicky).  Perhaps my two fatal flaws are being simultaneously overly passive and overly aggressive.

I visited my friend Lynn over the long weekend, which eventually led to a full blown, drunken argument at the end of the last night I was there. It was completely blown out of proportion on both our parts, but I was the one who committed the fatal fault of calling her a “fucking idiot,” which she held against and probably will hold against me for a while. Now, I think with my other friends, like Diana, they would probably forget the whole thing by morning time and write it off as a drunken, irrational argument where people said things they didn’t mean. At least that’s what I did. But not Lynn. She held it against for the last two days and made sure I knew exactly what she was thinking of me. I tried the best I could clarify my stance, apologize for my behavior, and to see things from a sober perspective. I felt that I had outlined my arguments clearly and fairly. The response I received was so intense, so rigid, and so… callous.  It was not a response you would expect from a friend who can forgive and forget and rise above a ridiculous, intoxicated situation. It has been bothering me for the last 12 hours, and I’m not sure why. It might actually be the first time in a long time that I’ve encountered an argument with a friend in which a sincere and heartfelt apology was taken in such a disregarded manner. I know she was furious with me, but my apology was obvious and deliberate, so I’m not sure what the problem was.  Maybe I’m a little taken aback by the fact that a person whose friendship I valued was unable to overlook 20 minutes of a drunken argument in favor of 2 years of a meaningful friendship. In my view, a true friend is able to look past a petty situation, take into account the mental state of said situation, mindfully accept a sincere and deliberate apology, and move on. By the end, I felt as if I were in the middle of a relationship fight, not a friendship fight, and I had no words left.

Although I think we’ve resolved our differences and moved past this particular episode, I have a feeling that I won’t be talking to or seeing Lynn for a while.  I walked away from the resolution feeling a bit… jipped. I know I had overreacted and hit below the belt with my comment, but what led me to that mental state wasn’t completely of my own doing. She had an equal hand in all of this. I am not going to try to analyze rationally and logically what went on during that argument because, honestly, drunken arguments aren’t meant to be revisited in a rational and logical way. They are meant to be tossed aside as momentary lapses of judgment. Regardless, even though I voiced these concerns and made clear what offended me in the first place, she cast them aside and focused on the end result of my comment. Fair enough it was a shitty and thoughtless comment, but how we got there deserves to be looked at as well, doesn’t it?  

This whole episode just reminded me of the temper problem that I am constantly struggling with. I hate blaming situations like this on PMS, but I think it really is PMS this time, as I got my period yesterday. It’d been a long time since I “saw red,” so this really caught me off guard. I was, of course, embarassed by my behavior, which is probably the sole reason I wanted this to roll off my back and to be forgotten with. I really have to work on being mindful of situations like this when I know that my temper can flare and I can say something that I regret. Things like this happened with Spencer all the time toward the end of our relationship, and I vowed never to let it happen with anyone else I dated. Even though Spencer was an asshole in the end, I still shouldn’t have acted the way I did with him. Friends are no different, but I need to remember times like these so that Brian, or anyone else I date in the future, doesn’t become victim to this sort of abuse. Because really, this is abuse — verbal and emotional abuse.

Falling Like Leaves

He’s going to hate me when he realizes that there was nothing here to begin with. He’s going to regret doing so much for me and thinking of me the way he does. He’s going to rethink everything he’s known about me so far. 

Well, it’s not easy on this end either. If I’ve learned anything from this whole ordeal, it’s that I need to trust my gut instincts even when I don’t see danger ahead. I knew from the second date that Jason was well-intentioned but dull, compassionate but too ordinary. I knew he couldn’t give me the intellectual and emotional stimulation that I needed to sustain even a semi-serious relationship.  And yet, I let it drag on, thinking that if I really had no good reason to stop seeing him, then I shouldn’t.

But the reality is, not having a good reason to keep seeing him was a good enough reason to stop seeing him. So there, lesson learned. But I will need to wait another 3 weeks to finalize the end with him. We had sex on Saturday, but it was only afterward that I found out that he had been a virgin. Needless to say, it really freaked me out. Not because I thought he had taken his virginity seriously, but because I could tell he had grown even more attached. He revealed many of his emotions that he’d not revealed before, probably because he had been unsure and uncomfortable with himself. But the sex changed everything.

For me, I recoiled and withdrew completely. I was emotionally vacant. I panicked. I couldn’t believe that he had been a virgin. If he had told me before, I would never have agreed to sleep with him. I could never sleep with a virgin knowing that I hadn’t been that interested in him to begin with. It was shallow, vain and selfish. I should have ended this courtship 3 months ago, and I knew it.  But curiosity got the better part of me. I even told a friend that if he hadn’t been good in bed, I was going to end it for good. Now, I feel like ending things with him immediately after taking his virginity would compound the negative consequences. 

His view of relationships and sex will be tainted forever. And I will be responsible for this. Not that I am needlessly beating myself up over this, but it sucks to know that I could’ve contributed to society in this way. Because I never had malicious intent. I just think that Jason needs a girl who understands and appreciates his personality and interests the way I could never do. I am not lucky enough to realize what a kind-hearted and genuine person he is. We are not compatible, and that saddens me more than he could ever imagine. I wish we could work. I wish I were interested in him. But alas, I am not, and I must end this before it goes on for too long.