#41

I haven’t properly blogged in a really long time, but that’s mainly because so many of things I’ve had to deal with have been extremely painful to think about, let alone to write about. I try to compartmentalize a lot of the negative emotions I feel every single day at work, so that when I come home, I can just sort of hide in my own world and try to do what I need to do (e.g. study for the LSAT).  I haven’t had the energy or the time, really, to see anybody, which has definitely taken a toll on my psyche and emotional health. I have never felt as lonely as I do now, and I have never felt as homesick as I do now. There have been many times during the day when I feel like catching the next flight back to the West Coast, crawling into my bed at home, and curling up into a fetal position for weeks. If I could do that, I think I could release all of this pent-up fatigue and frustration. I hate to admit it, but the stress of being alone after college — without any family or friends nearby — is starting affect me deeper than I thought it ever could. I hate to be one of the statistics of  young people who can’t handle the Real World, but alas, I am one in a million. It kills me.

For the past few weeks, CPB has reverted back to her manipulative ways, and the firm has failed to address successfully this problem. She was not reprimanded in any way, and if anything, she seemed to be in the right. It seems that my advocacy and voice fell on deaf ears. Some have encouraged me to try again, and to make clear that this is a serious, recurring issue. But I am tired. I am tired of thinking about this. I am tired of having to deal with this. I am tired of trying to stand up for myself and have nothing come of it. I really, really, really just want to quit this job. I know there are 25 people lined up outside who would kill for this job, and you know what? They can have it. Every single one of them. Because I am sick of being treated like shit and sick of being invisible.  I know I don’t deserve this, so I need to create options for myself. I dont know when I can quit or what I’ll do when I quit, but I am hoping it is soon.

On top of all of this, I am studying for the LSAT yet again. I have exactly two months left, and I am not anywhere near where I need to improve on this exam. I am constantly frustrated at the lack of time and energy I can devote to this exam because of the ridiculousness I need to deal with at work. The last thing I thought I’d need to worry about for the next two years ended up being the primary concern of my everyday life. This is completely uncalled for, and I can’t help but feel like a 3-year-old crying, “Life isn’t fair!” But I am. And that is truly how I feel. I am sick of feeling this way. I am sick of things not being handed to me. Since high school, I have always felt that I needed to work 10x as hard as everyone else just to keep up and be in the 50th percentile. I am sick of having to work so hard just to be mediocre. Why can’t things just come to me naturally?

I have so many things that are constantly becoming a nuisance in my life that the thought of having a long distance relationship with Brian is starting to strain and sour. It’s not that I don’t like him anymore, and it’s not that I don’t want to see him, but the fact that he is so far away almost makes it easy to forget that this relationship even exists. I am so absorbed in all of these things in front of me that I am honestly incapable of thinking about him as an entity. I know that sounds utterly selfish and ridiculous, but that is how I feel. It’s hard to even plan on seeing him on a certain weekend when I don’t even know how much time I’ll have to myself to study during the week. If I see him, I’ll get no studying done, and I can’t afford that right now, especially if I’m not accomplishing as much as I want during the week.

Little things about him are also starting to bother me. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m just getting stressed out and frustrated over my own life, and now I’m just nit-picking. I probably am, which is why I haven’t voiced any of these complaints, because I know they’re probably just remnants of  frustration and anger from my own life. I know I can’t take it out on him, but it’s hard to see it that way when you’re thinking about things in such a negative way. It bothers me that he hasn’t really offered any real advice in terms of how I should go about the CPB situation. It bothers me that he keeps asking me when he can see me when he clearly knows that I am absorbed in studying for this test. I almost want to say, “Look, you’re not going to law school; I am.  This is the rest of my life. I don’t even know if you’ll be in my life a year from now, but this test determines the rest of my life. I’m sorry, but this is way more important than you.” But of course, I can’t say that. It would be disastrous and teleport me straight to hell. 

All in all, my life is in shambles, and I’m not sure what the hell I’m supposed to do about it.

I was talking to my good friend Kim today, and she asked me whatever happened between me and Vicky. I guess I neglected to ever share that story with Kim, even though I thought I had. Retracing that story and re-analyzing that story made me think about Vicky all over again. Not in the obsessive way that I did before, but just the general feeling of regret and sadness that I was never able to reconcile with Vicky. I really did care about her and wanted so badly for things to return to normal between us, but it really was impossible. And I hate that. I shared so many good memories with her, and I wish I could still talk to her and get advice from her, especially during this time. It would just be so good if I could reconnect with her and some of her other friends. I really need as many connections as I can get in this city right now. I feel so fucking alone. I can’t stand this. I can’t stand the fact that I have no family on the East Coast. I can’t stand the fact that if I’m feeling like shit, I can’t just take the train or bus home for the weekend to recuperate. Instead, I have to go home to my little apartment and dwell over the emotions without having anyone to lean on. It is so fucking lonely. I am so fucking lonely.

Empty

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Emptiness. Not for one of my best friends, who today has married the love of her life, but for myself.

But before I get to that, let me just say that my heart was full of love today as I watched one of my dearest friends walk down the aisle to exchange vows and to begin the rest of her life with a man who I trust will take care of her for the rest of her life. I have no doubt about this. Since it was my first wedding, I didn’t know what to expect, but as soon as I saw her walking down that aisle in her gown my eyes filled with tears of joy. Simply knowing that this day is the happiest day of her life was enough to let these emotions go wild. I’ve come to know Anne like she is family, and her as well with me. To see her get married was like seeing a family member get married. Of course, I wasn’t the only important person in her life there. There were tons of people who shared in this joy and sense of closeness to her. Anne has a way of making people feel very loved and making people feel like they want to give her all the love as well. It was a beautiful day and a sweet ceremony to confirm their ties. I can honestly say that I could not be happier for her. Anne deserves only the best, and the best was what she got today. I don’t feel the least bit jealous, but I have to admit that much of today made me reflect upon my own life and whether, really, I would ever find love.

I would love to find someone to cherish and to hold for the rest of my life. But the fact of the matter is, I don’t know if that will ever happen. To me, it seems like a problem for which I can find no solution. Like it’s completely out of my hands, and it probably is, but it troubles me that I have no control over this. Moreover, there seems to be a contradiction in the way I view love and relationships, but both of which are true:

1. I don’t want to be single.
2. I’m afraid of not being single.

These two things seem to contradict each other, and appear to be a conundrum, but after taking a closer look, and inspecting the background of my stories, you can see why this would be. I do believe in love. I do believe in monogamy. I do believe in marriage. I do believe in happily ever after. And I don’t think I ever DIDN’T believe in these things. Even those crazy months after Spencer and with Vicky at those bars, if you review those blog posts, there’s a clear sense of rejection of the liberal singleton’s philosophy of wielding power through superficial human interactions. The fact of the matter is, I’m an old romantic, and I’ve always been one. I’ve always wanted to connect with another human being on a deeper level, and I’ve always wanted to share my life with someone. But somewhere along the way, I’ve been hurt deeper than most people can believe or can fathom. I have been wounded in such a way that I fear from which I may never recover.

And that scares the shit out of me.

What if I never find love? What if I never find that one person who would give all himself to me? What if I never have the opportunity to give and love another person with every part of my being? What if I never find what Anne found today? In all honesty, I am scared. Scared shitless.

I feel empty, like I have nothing to contribute to this world. No one to whom I can give my love. No one with whom I can share my life, happiness, sadness, etc. I feel empty because I have never felt the love that so many around the world have felt. I am waiting for that person to come and fill the void that has existed in my heart and soul for way too long — even before Spencer’s arrival. There has always been a sense of void in terms of love in my family. Never enough affection or expression of love to let us know that we were treasured. It’s a little different now, but when we were growing up, love was almost nonexistent in our household. My parents would fight day in and day out, and by the end of the day, they were exhausted and couldn’t possibly give us the love and care that we needed. Those crucial years were the ones that built this void inside of me, which I’ve tried desperately to fill in recent years but have failed miserably and painfully.

If I never fill this void inside of me, I will be empty forever. I am so scared.

Expect the Unexpected

So, I think we survived Christmas. That means one more to go… New Year’s. Probably going to be uneventful there since it will just be me and my mother. This will be good though. I didn’t really expect to be so preoccupied when I got home with everything but the things that I had planned on working on. I had planned on catching up on work for my thesis and studying for the LSAT, seeing that the exam is just right around the corner. I didn’t expect to forget how different my home is now. In the last year, I haven’t been home for more than a week, so I haven’t really noticed the changes that have taken place in this house. For one, my mother has a severe case of Empty Nest Syndrome. So severe that I’d classify it as borderline depression. I mean, this is compounded with other family matters that I won’t discuss here, but together, they make for a pretty nasty emotional stew. I guess I just didn’t realize how lonely it must be for her to live in this house alone, with nobody to interact with and share her life with. Now that my brother and I are home, she’s obviously elated and excited to share with us her thoughts and feelings about life that she generally can’t because we live too far away and we don’t call often enough. I can’t resent her for wanting to talk to me when I’m trying to read, and I’m not, but I just wasn’t expecting this at all. And I feel bad about stressing out inside about how I’m going to do all the studying I had initially planned because I’m on a pretty tight schedule until February.

It also depresses me to know that my mother is alone in this house almost all year long and I hadn’t even thought about the fact that my lack of calls to home on a weekly or daily basis has such an effect on her. I wish she lived closer to me, and so does my brother, but she’s stuck in this slump where she’s too unmotivated to uproot herself to start a new life elsewhere — away from this town in which we grew up. But she has nothing here. My brother and I have both started our lives in different cities, and she has no reason to stay here. She doesn’t even like it here. but I think it’s a vicious cycle. The more she doesn’t like it here, the more unmotivated she becomes, and the more she doesn’t like it, and so on and so forth. I’m not sure how to remove her from this slump, and I know my brother is trying, but she can very stubborn sometimes. I just don’t really know how to help, and I hate it. I hate to admit that I don’t know my own mother enough to know how to help her. People always ask me if it’s hard for our family to be so far apart all the time, and I never know what to say. And the reason for that is because our family has never been all that close or intimate before. Ever since I can remember, my parents fought constantly and my brother and I never got along. We never developed the bond that you always see in big brother/little sister relationships. Only in recent years have we become closer, and we’re not that close at all. I haven’t seen him since last Christmas, and I talk to him maybe once every few months via e-mail. I have no close attachments to my immediate family, which is why I depend so heavily on my friends and the people around me. And I know it makes me incredibly vulnerable to betrayal and abandonment — the way Spencer betrayed me. But my friends are all I have, and that’s the risk I take every time I put my complete trust in anyone — be it my friends or lovers or anything. I envy my friends who have close relationships with their families because it means they don’t need me as much as I need them. And I guess I won’t really have this sacred bond with a family until I create my own. Until then, I’m kind of just… out there.

Another sad thing this Christmas was that my brother and his long-term girlfriend broke up recently. They both still came home for Christmas and pretended like they were still together for the sake of my mother. They’d been together for almost seven years. Tonight before we went to bed, my brother’s girlfriend came to my room and basically said good bye for the last time. She said she hoped to make it to my graduation but there was no guarantee and it might be awkward, so we probably won’t see each other again any time soon. She started to cry, and that’s when it hit me how weird everything had gotten in this house. For the longest time, I think they were my role models of what a long-term relationshp was supposed to be about. They had met in college, lived together, and even survived a yearlong long-distance relationship. They were best friends, and still are, and they did everything together. And now it’s over. Their being together had been such a constant in my life that I just can’t believe that it’s over. I felt like I was breaking up with her too.

So many things are starting to change. I’m kind of afraid of what 2008 is going to bring. I had high hopes for 2007, and it let me down greatly — mostly due to my own stupidity and choices. And I expect 2008 to bring many changes — with graduation and jobs being the two most important ones — but I’m afraid of expecting these changes to be good. I’m kind of afraid to face these changes. I don’t really want to face these changes. The closer we get to graduation the more I realize how much is going to change. No longer will I live on a college campus near all of my friends and basically function within a 10-block radius. I will have to get an apartment, work somewhere far from my apartment, and make a real effort to see my friends (and those are just the ones who will stay in the city — who knows about the ones who will leave this area!). So I guess what I’m trying to say is…. 2008, I’m kind of afraid of you. Please don’t hurt me…?

Quick Updates: Steve and I exchanged some harsh words and we haven’t spoken since last week. I’ve decided to be on a dating hiatus and to just enjoy my last semester of college without any male drama. God knows I’m no place to be in any sort of relationship right now — serious or not. Vicky and I are on good terms again — I think she was just stressed with finals, but I have a feeling that this proverbial pink elephant will forever remain in our rooms. And I’m kind of half-expecting something to happen between Vicky and I again after we’ve had one too many drinks. And can I say that I’m actually kind of excited for it to happen again…? Honestly, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that night. It was pretty incredible and hot, and I never expected to be so turned on by it. It’s kind of cool.

the same imaginary place.

Last night I had a revealing conversation with my best friend. I love conversations that go into the depths of the night. I’ve always been blessed with friends who love to talk and listen just as much as I do. Anyway, I learned last week that my brother had been depressed since he was in elementary school. As soon as I heard this I started to put a million broken pieces of memories together and a lot of things made a lot of sense — really fast. I just remember him always being sad or angry or distant, and I could never figure out why. I guess I always just figured it was part of his personality and the sort of circumstances in which he was put when we were younger. But now everything just makes sense. So we got to start talking about all the times I remembered when I sensed something was wrong when I was younger but nobody in my family, my mother in particular, never took initiative to solve the problems. And a lot of things just made sense. I realized that so many of the injustices I had faced when I was younger weren’t the result of my own obstinancy or imagination, but that they really did exist and were indeed injustices. For example, I got punished for a lot of things that my brother was never punished for or for things which my mother would just turn a blind eye to. And I realized that I could’ve ended up being really fucked up and it’s a miracle that I turned out the way I did.

It scares me — how much your family environment can affect your later personality and emotional stability. It makes me realize how careful I need to be when I have my own family and kids. I know that a lot of my emotional shortcomings are a direct result of my family situation, and for that it makes me sad. Up until recently I had never really thought about how my family had influenced the person I’ve become, but now I look back and realize just how big of an effect they had on me. A negative effect. It brings tears to my eyes.

I’m not sure why my mother chose to ignore or overlook the many shortcomings that my brother had and the obvious cries for help that he made while we were growing up. I’m assuming that she was afraid of confrontation and was just hoping that he would “grow out of it.” That obviously was not the case and she in fact worsened the situation for both him and myself. And in a way I suppose I can’t blame her for a situation that she had little control over, like the effects of our father. But I think she definitely could have done something for my brother. I think the reason my brother and I aren’t that close is precisely because of this problem. We have never been close enough to talk about anything personal. And when I see my friends who are so super close with their siblings, I get really sad. Not jealous really, but just sad that I have a sibling but we have no connection close to that. And as we grow older and live in different cities, the situation doesn’t seem like it’s going to improve, and for that I am really sad.

Families are so peculiar. Right now I feel like my only family is composed of my friends, but they have their own families, so I feel like we’re not really family. I don’t think I’ll ever experience a family until I make my own. And until then, I will just float around admiring other families and take note of their positive traits. And when I have my own, I will make every effort not to make the same mistakes and cast the same plagues that my own family cast on me. I really hope that my children will not endure the same circumstances as I did growing up.