Sucks at life.

Remember those existential crises I used to go through almost daily in college? Yeah, they’re back and in full force.  Why and how? Because I’m applying to law schools, which means I need to go back through my college history and relive some unpleasant moments and also realize some unpleasant realities. For one, I flipped out so bad during the September LSAT that I ended up canceling my score. That’s right, I’ll need to take it a third time in December. Am I ready? Probably not. I’m now leaning towards not applying for another year. I’m already so far behind on my applications. My personal statement is a joke. I’m still missing one recommendation, which brings me to my second point. As I still need another recommendation to complete most of my applications, I asked one of my previous History professors to write a recommendation. Albeit I took his class back in 2006, he still remembered me. But let’s just say that he didn’t remember me in the fondest terms. In any case, he basically admitted that his recommendation would be lackluster at best and that I should ask someone else.

Ouch, right?

Yeah, that left a sour-ass taste in my mouth. I wrote back politely and “apologized” for my shyness getting in the way of my overall performance (I got an A in that class).  In any case, I thought it was a dick thing for him to do, but at least he was honest about it.  He could’ve just written a shitty recommendation without ever letting me know, which would’ve been even more dickish. But honestly, when did not speaking up in class qualify as a bad student?? I sure as hell didn’t get that memo.

And of course, this whole ordeal brings me back to my “why am I so lacking?” state of mind in terms of college. That’s pretty much the single most often asked question throughout my college career — why am I so fucking lacking?? Why can’t I be as smart or vocal as my classmates? Why am I so intimidated by a bunch of ivy league douche bags? I know I’m smart, but I have no way of proving any of it. Not even the LSAT can help me prove this. I mean, let’s get serious. The fact that I’ve been trying to take this goddamn test for two years now is a testament to the fact that I am ridiculously lacking. Ridiculously.

Fuck. I suck at life.

Explore

Recently I’ve been having some very vivid lesbian dreams. As it should have become clear by now, I go through phases of intense attraction to women — the last being Vicky about two years ago.  Since I’ve started dating Brian, those impulses have surfaced less often and with less intensity. I’m still occasionally attracted to girls.  Though the time away from him has allowed these impulses to reappear without inhibition, which may be a good thing.   Since these dreams keep recurring, I haven’t been able to stop fantasizing about being with a woman. I’m not looking for a relationship, but I would love to find someone with whom I have great chemistry and am attracted to just to explore and experiment more where Vicky and I left off.

I haven’t talked to Vicky in almost a year, and I don’t plan to any time soon, especially since I no longer live in NYC.  However, I’ve been looking through our old chat logs and e-mails, and I can’t help but laugh and smile when I read through our conversations and relive the hilarious experiences we had during our last year of college. Those were really good times, and as usual, I walk away from the e-mails feeling regret and remorse for the way things ended. I wish I could talk to her still like any other friend, but I know that is impossible. And when I read the e-mails we exchanged after that night, all I can do is grimace sometimes because they were so awkward and so… hurtful. The way she hid herself away and denied everything and tried to pretend like nothing had happened — it was all just so hurtful and unnecessary.  I wish none of it had happened, but at the same time, I wish it hadn’t ended. I wanted to explore more, and I wanted to explore with a friend, someone I trusted. But it ended, and for what?  Nothing.

If I could have one more chance to experiment with someone with as much chemistry as Vicky and I had, it would be so fulfilling and it would help me tie up the emotional loose ends. I want that.

She said, “You’re a masochist for falling for me.”

I Was Once Smart

At one point in my life, I was smart. I’m certain of this because everything leading up to 2006 reflected this notion. However, some time during 2006, I lost my mojo. I lost my ability to exercise my intelligence and better judgment in almost every situation in which I got myself. I’m not going to enumerate these shortfalls or try to figure what went wrong. The point is, I used to be smart at one point in my life, and now I am not.

I’m not sure what it is. Over confidence. Receding intelligence. All of the above. None of the above. I am not as smart as I once was, and not that I knew how sharp I was at any given point prior to 2006, but I can feel myself “slacking.” In the last week or so, I have experienced my first “Real World Shock,” or whatever you wanna call it. I’ve screwed up at least twice now, and they’re screw ups that make me feel… small. It makes me miss college, where when you screwed up, nobody was held accountable except yourself. Maybe it would deflate your ego for a few days if you got a bad grade, but in the end, you always found a way to move on because you knew that nobody suffered from the consequences except yourself. It’s very different when you realize that if you screw up, you could affect many more people other than yourself. It adds pressure to every little task that you take on, and it makes you not want to screw up. But then… when you do… it sucks. It stings. The pang of failure sinks in deeper and deeper as time goes on and you reflect on your mistakes more and more.

It’s kind of like how I just can’t seem to score well on the LSAT. I scored decently on the SAT, but that was, again, before 2006. It is now 2008, and I’m tryign to take the LSAT again, and I now realize how hard things are when you have lost your intelligence and your mojo. Welcome to the Real World, without your mojo.

Then you wonder, “Why can’t I succeed in these tasks? I graduated from college. I took challenging courses. I consider myself smart… Or maybe I’m not?”

I miss college.

Indian London

I just got this sudden flashback that I think is really interesting and sort of defines my time abroad from a year ago. It’s two days after my regretful one night stand in London. I’d felt ashamed and torn over what had happened that night at the nightclub when I had sex with that army officer right outside somewhere in a dark alleyway. Ashamed and saddened that I had betrayed Spencer, I was a complete mess. Vicky was supportive to a certain extent; she didn’t comfort so much as just keeping her mouth shut and reserving her judgment for me to hear. She knew I was devastated over what had happened. Vicky promised to meet me outside of a Tube station to see a hospital and run some tests to make sure that I don’t have any STDs. I got there on time, as usual. This scene in my head is seriously like something right out of a movie. I stepped out of the Tube station and found myself in a part of London that was home to a different kind of culture. Away from the white, gentrified parts of London, this part of London was covered with Indians and persons of South Asian descent. I’m not sure if the reason why Vicky brought me to this particular hospital was because this happened to be in an Indian district or whether this was all pure coincidence, but when I walked out of that station, I can just picture myself walking through an urban, gritty part of London with a hip-hop Indian tune playing in the background. Tons of South Asian street vendors were selling counterfeit products, ranging from handbags to DVDs. There were new, unfamiliar smells surrounding me. Languages being spoken and shouted that I had no idea what they were. It was like being in Chinatown, but not. It was a different part of London, and in turn, a different part of Europe. Europe today is about immigrants and other cultures infiltrating in what is traditionally “European,” which is part of the globalizing movement of the 21st century. And more than ever, I felt like I was in a completely different country at that point, which made me feel even lonelier when compounded with the circumstances in which I found myself. It was really an interesting moment in Europe for me.

After All Is Said and Done

It’s been almost six months since that night, and yes, I would be lying if I said she was off my mind for good. I could’ve sworn that I caught a forlorn glance from Vicky during graduation. We were sitting a couple rows away, but we made eye contact for a brief moment amongst all the madness of the ceremony. But maybe the forlornness is all in my imagination. Who knows. At this point, there is nothing left except for the memory of a friendship past. I am still thinking about her even though I know all of these emotions are felt against all logic. There is no reason why I should still be thinking about her. She was a terrible friend, and she continues to be a terrible person towards me. I will probably never see her again, save for the chance encounters in a subway or on the street.  So, why can’t I get her off my mind? Why am I still aching for the friendship that wasn’t even that good to begin with? Why do I still care whether she knows that I put her on limited profile? Why do I still look at her profile?  Why am I still fantasizing about that night? More importantly, why was that night the first thing I thought of when I woke up this morning? It’s been almost six months and I can still remember that night like it was yesterday. Will I ever get over her? There is just no good reason for me to still be feeling this way. I don’t even know what I want. I know our friendship will never rekindle, nor will ever be like the way it was before. I know that she will never talk to me again on her accord. I know that I will never talk to her again on my own accord. These thoughts are useless and a waste of time. Nothing will change. So what am I pining for? What am I regretting? Why can’t I get her out of my thoughts??