Something New

Things with Brian are going so well. He makes me laugh, is loving, considerate, and the sex has only gotten better by the weeks. I feel as if we have known pone another for a long time and not just a month. I amincredibly comfortable around him and do a lot of things for and with him that I have never done with anyone else at this early stage of any relationship. I actually look forward to us solidifying a relationship and not afraid or commitment at all. I have not felt this way for anyone. Ever.

Fatal Flaws

I admit that this recent episode was my fault, but at the same time, I don’t believe that I should take 100% of the blame.  Often I try to let things roll off my back and not dwell on them too much probably because 1) I’m afraid to confront the truth and 2) I know that if I don’t, my thoughts will be consumed by them.  I am very much prone to obsessing over things, which is why I try whenever I can to nip them at the bud. Sometimes I’m successful, and other times it’s a real struggle (see: Vicky).  Perhaps my two fatal flaws are being simultaneously overly passive and overly aggressive.

I visited my friend Lynn over the long weekend, which eventually led to a full blown, drunken argument at the end of the last night I was there. It was completely blown out of proportion on both our parts, but I was the one who committed the fatal fault of calling her a “fucking idiot,” which she held against and probably will hold against me for a while. Now, I think with my other friends, like Diana, they would probably forget the whole thing by morning time and write it off as a drunken, irrational argument where people said things they didn’t mean. At least that’s what I did. But not Lynn. She held it against for the last two days and made sure I knew exactly what she was thinking of me. I tried the best I could clarify my stance, apologize for my behavior, and to see things from a sober perspective. I felt that I had outlined my arguments clearly and fairly. The response I received was so intense, so rigid, and so… callous.  It was not a response you would expect from a friend who can forgive and forget and rise above a ridiculous, intoxicated situation. It has been bothering me for the last 12 hours, and I’m not sure why. It might actually be the first time in a long time that I’ve encountered an argument with a friend in which a sincere and heartfelt apology was taken in such a disregarded manner. I know she was furious with me, but my apology was obvious and deliberate, so I’m not sure what the problem was.  Maybe I’m a little taken aback by the fact that a person whose friendship I valued was unable to overlook 20 minutes of a drunken argument in favor of 2 years of a meaningful friendship. In my view, a true friend is able to look past a petty situation, take into account the mental state of said situation, mindfully accept a sincere and deliberate apology, and move on. By the end, I felt as if I were in the middle of a relationship fight, not a friendship fight, and I had no words left.

Although I think we’ve resolved our differences and moved past this particular episode, I have a feeling that I won’t be talking to or seeing Lynn for a while.  I walked away from the resolution feeling a bit… jipped. I know I had overreacted and hit below the belt with my comment, but what led me to that mental state wasn’t completely of my own doing. She had an equal hand in all of this. I am not going to try to analyze rationally and logically what went on during that argument because, honestly, drunken arguments aren’t meant to be revisited in a rational and logical way. They are meant to be tossed aside as momentary lapses of judgment. Regardless, even though I voiced these concerns and made clear what offended me in the first place, she cast them aside and focused on the end result of my comment. Fair enough it was a shitty and thoughtless comment, but how we got there deserves to be looked at as well, doesn’t it?  

This whole episode just reminded me of the temper problem that I am constantly struggling with. I hate blaming situations like this on PMS, but I think it really is PMS this time, as I got my period yesterday. It’d been a long time since I “saw red,” so this really caught me off guard. I was, of course, embarassed by my behavior, which is probably the sole reason I wanted this to roll off my back and to be forgotten with. I really have to work on being mindful of situations like this when I know that my temper can flare and I can say something that I regret. Things like this happened with Spencer all the time toward the end of our relationship, and I vowed never to let it happen with anyone else I dated. Even though Spencer was an asshole in the end, I still shouldn’t have acted the way I did with him. Friends are no different, but I need to remember times like these so that Brian, or anyone else I date in the future, doesn’t become victim to this sort of abuse. Because really, this is abuse — verbal and emotional abuse.

A Different Feeling

To continue from the last post, yes, Brian did call.  And yes, he and I have hung out on four separate occasions since that weekend.  Actually, now that I think about it, we have spent pretty much every weekend together since Inauguration. We’ve grown closer and closer each time, and I feel more comfortable with him than I’ve ever felt with anyone else. It’s amazing, really. I have never felt this way about anyone before. With him, I feel comfortable and best of all, I feel like myself. I am perfectly satisfied and content just to be with him, and we don’t even have to be doing anything in particular. Two weekends ago I spent the weekend at his apartment, and we didn’t do anything spectacular except bowling — and I was perfectly okay with it. He is attentive, funny, and easy-going. And while we are still getting to know each other in terms of sex, he is very caring in bed. My favorite is when he gives me little kisses in the middle of the night, on my shoulder, my face, and my arms.   I think about him all the time, and I’m constantly thinking of fun things we could do together. 

Judging from all of my posts since the inception of this blog, Brian is definitely different from all the others. At least, he makes me feel differently than I ever did with anyone else, and that is always a good sign. The long-distance factor is something that is constantly in the back of my mind, but for now, I’m hoping to have a good time and not to worry so much about that. I figure that, in the long run, things will work themselves out for the best. So even if Brian and I don’t last for long, at least now I will know what it’s like to feel excited about someone and to want to spend time with them.

Blogging Blitzkrieg

Get ready for a blogging blitzkrieg — there have been way too many thoughts floating through my head, and I’d much prefer to devote one post to each category of thought.  Thus, consider this the starting point and “menu” of these thoughts and posts.

1) Brian

2) Self-analysis

3) Work