New Beginnings

The only thing better than studying history is to witness it.  Today I sat in front of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, DC and stood witness to the swearing in of our nation’s first African-American president. It was truly inspiring to watch how far our country has come, not just in terms of turning a new leaf with the “change” that President Barack Obama talks about constantly, but the progress it has made in the last 60 years. News analysts tend to analyze Obama’s presidency as a progress mainly in the realm of the Civil Rights Movement, but to me, this progress is even bigger. To me, this is a social and cultural progress that is composed of immigrant families from all over the world. This is truly the new face of America. This is truly what it means for America to be a “melting pot.” From now on, people of different colors can serve in leadership positions without anyone giving it a second thought or analyzing the signifance of it because this is the direction our country, and the world for that matter, is moving. The world is progressively becoming more intertwined, and with technology and transportation, our borders become fuzzier and less defined. Soon, we will be of one people, of one global nation. This is only the first step of many more to come.

In other news, I stayed with my friend over the weekend in DC in anticipation of the inauguration. As a gesture of celebration, my friend threw a house party and invited all her friends from GWU. I met one of her friends, Brian, and we hit it off almost immediately. We were, of course, drunk, and kissed several times. He ended up spending the night on the futon and had breakfast with us the next morning. He could barely remember the previous night, which made me a little sad because I wasn’t sure if he could remember that we hit it off really well. But he did, and asked for my number, and if he could call me if he was ever in the city (he lives about an hour away in Connecticut). A couple of days later, my friend said Brian mentioned me and seemed likely to call me. So, we’ll see. Honestly, I’m kind of excited, and I’d be ecstatic if he actually called. He is really cute, smart, and funny, and according to my friend, is a “really good guy.” I couldn’t stop thinking about him the days following the party, and I got excited at the prospect of hanging out with him again in the future. In fact, he is the first guy who has completely taken my mind off of Vicky for an entire two days. That is quite a feat. But! I don’t want to get my hopes up. I just hope that he calls.

Here is to new beginnings of 2009.

Falling Like Leaves

He’s going to hate me when he realizes that there was nothing here to begin with. He’s going to regret doing so much for me and thinking of me the way he does. He’s going to rethink everything he’s known about me so far. 

Well, it’s not easy on this end either. If I’ve learned anything from this whole ordeal, it’s that I need to trust my gut instincts even when I don’t see danger ahead. I knew from the second date that Jason was well-intentioned but dull, compassionate but too ordinary. I knew he couldn’t give me the intellectual and emotional stimulation that I needed to sustain even a semi-serious relationship.  And yet, I let it drag on, thinking that if I really had no good reason to stop seeing him, then I shouldn’t.

But the reality is, not having a good reason to keep seeing him was a good enough reason to stop seeing him. So there, lesson learned. But I will need to wait another 3 weeks to finalize the end with him. We had sex on Saturday, but it was only afterward that I found out that he had been a virgin. Needless to say, it really freaked me out. Not because I thought he had taken his virginity seriously, but because I could tell he had grown even more attached. He revealed many of his emotions that he’d not revealed before, probably because he had been unsure and uncomfortable with himself. But the sex changed everything.

For me, I recoiled and withdrew completely. I was emotionally vacant. I panicked. I couldn’t believe that he had been a virgin. If he had told me before, I would never have agreed to sleep with him. I could never sleep with a virgin knowing that I hadn’t been that interested in him to begin with. It was shallow, vain and selfish. I should have ended this courtship 3 months ago, and I knew it.  But curiosity got the better part of me. I even told a friend that if he hadn’t been good in bed, I was going to end it for good. Now, I feel like ending things with him immediately after taking his virginity would compound the negative consequences. 

His view of relationships and sex will be tainted forever. And I will be responsible for this. Not that I am needlessly beating myself up over this, but it sucks to know that I could’ve contributed to society in this way. Because I never had malicious intent. I just think that Jason needs a girl who understands and appreciates his personality and interests the way I could never do. I am not lucky enough to realize what a kind-hearted and genuine person he is. We are not compatible, and that saddens me more than he could ever imagine. I wish we could work. I wish I were interested in him. But alas, I am not, and I must end this before it goes on for too long.

Resolution Revelation

A new year, a new leaf.  I look back at 2008 with very little to hold on to. People always want to forget the old year and look forward to the new one, but for me, 2008 never created a permanent place in my mind or heart. It was sort of just… there, like that piece of furniture in your house that doesn’t necessarily bother you, but you know you could do without it.   So in reality, I can’t forget 2008 because it holds nothing to remember or to forget.  If anything, it was just a year of fighting my internal demons and trying to save myself from the person I could’ve been.

I tried to fight all the demons that stemmed from the Vicky situation somewhat successfully, though I would be lying if I said it wasn’t something I still struggle with everyday.  But alas, I’ve decided to put the whole thing behind me in 2009.  I was listening to Rachael Yamagata, and her songs remind me just how much her lyrics speak to me and my feelings for Vicky — every step of the way. From the beginning, to the good times, to the rough patch, and to the recovery… Right now, I think I’m at the recovery stage, just trying to dig myself up from the hole that I was buried in. I was buried deep in a hole filled with these thoughts and emotions for her that I just couldn’t seem to get rid of, even though I knew they were unfounded and irrational.  Anyway, these lyrics really speak to me right now with how I feel about the whole Vicky situation:

I don’t believe in you like I so wanted to
I hope you’re asking heavens above
To forgive all the damage you’ve done

And if I did teach you anything at all
I hope that you learned how to love
But I doubt if I’ll ever talk to you after now

- Rachael Yamagata, “Horizon”

It’s a new year, and I need to start afresh.  I really want something good to come out of 2009; I don’t want to view it like a piece of unwanted furniture in my life.  I want to find my place in life, and to spend time doing the things I love. I want to find myself and to improve my quality of life. I’m going to take the LSAT again and apply to law school in the fall. It’s time to get my life moving again, and forget all the things that held me in one place for much too long.