Why Bother Anymore?

I’m not sure if I should really bother anymore with dating for a while.  Not like I put a lot of effort into it in the first place, but when I do, nothing fruitful ever occurs.  I’ve gone on two dates in the last 3 weeks and neither have turned out spectacularly. The first one was a disaster, probably the worst date I’ve ever had.  I never realized what charismatic guys I went out with until this one — he made them all look like saints, including Spencer! Believe it or not. The second one, I just came back from. He was a good kid, and I liked him and we had a good conversation, but there was just no spark, no physical attraction.

That’s the problem with me lately. I haven’t had any physical attraction to guys in a really long time. All the guys I’m ever attracted to are just the kind that know they’re attractive. And even then, it’s not like I want to get them into bed or anything. I’m just not physically attracted to anyone right now. I don’t know what the problem is. I used to think all kinds of guys were sexy and wanted to bed them if I was in a conversation with them. That’s the first thing I thought of when I met Spencer or Ethan. I wondered what they were like in bed. Now, when I go on dates, I just feel like whoever I’m on a date with could be a really good friend, and that’s all. (Minus the horrid date, of course.)

Have I completely lost my mojo? Is it impossible for me to find men attractive anymore? I know I’m attracted to men, but what kind? Who is my type now? I can’t quite narrow it down. I haven’t met “my type” in a really long time. Every date just ends in: “It was nice meeting you.” How can I go a step beyond this? How can I find romance in my life again?

Another Year-long Dry Spell Approaching

I have been really unhappy for a very long time. This should come as no surprise, according to entries posted in the last eight or nine months. I haven’t admitted it because maybe I haven’t been ready to come to terms with the fact that I have been very unhappy with myself for a very long time. I can’t really describe where the unhappiness and pain have come from, and how long they’ve been here, but I find myself wishing I was happier all the time. I have not felt this lonely and helpless in a very long time. I wish I had someone to spend my life with, to spend some time with, to share something with.  Put more plainly, I’m in desperate need of sex. However, I refuse to have sex with someone without preconditions. If there is no relationship, then there has to be at least the promise of a relationship. I’m not hunting for relationships, but I also don’t want anything with no strings attached. I know that road all too well, and I don’t want to go down it. Thus, I’m left in quite the conundrum. I could very well have sex for the sake of having it, but I refuse to let myself lose that kind of dignity, which leads me here — sexless and lonely.

That’s not the most frustrating thing though (surprisingly). I find the most frustrating aspect of all of this is the lack of companionship. For once in my life, I have a routine, a space I can call my own, and time for someone else to share with. I have a structured schedule that doesn’t call for studying until 5am. I have my own apartment, furnished with things that I personally chose and love. I have more down time than I ever did. And now… I am all alone with all these things and time, and nobody to share them with. Five years ago, I never imagined my post-college life to be like this. I always thought by the time I left college, I would have found my niche and found my place in the world, that I would have someone to share my time with. Instead, I find myself having a hard time meeting people, and when I do, the interactions are superficial and meaningless. It seems that the people who are single, are single for a reason. (But what does that say about me?)  I just feel like I’m stuck in a rut, and have been for the past 8-9 months. Maybe the whole Vicky thing was just a distraction so that I wouldn’t have to confront this ugly truth aobut my life. Maybe. I don’t know. I just know that I have not felt this lonely and unhappy in a very long time. My dry spell is nearing a year, and I see no sign of that changing. Sigh.

Parallel Universe

I need someone to knock some sense into me.  I am having way too much trouble getting over Vicky.  The other night I was so drunk with my friend Lindsey that I almost blurted out the whole thing. Not that Lindsey would judge me, but I would just feel so embarassed to let it be known that something so ridiculous as this has been bothering me for this long.  It’s been almost 10 months.  That’s almost a year, that Vicky has been on my mind everyday.

One theory I’ve come up with in recent days is that maybe the reason I’m so hung up on Vicky is because I never properly mourned over my relationship with Spencer. It’s been officially a year since I broke up with Spencer. And it’s been almost exactly a year since I discovered the entire truth about him. Once I discovered this truth, I went into this crazy denial cycle, in which I refused to be upset about it. I distracted myself with other people and other things. And with Vicky, with that night, I felt like I’d gotten much closer to her. And when she blew me off, it threw me into the cycle that I should’ve but never went into with Spencer. I don’t know if that’s a stretch, but it makes sense that I would displace my hurt emotions from Spencer on to Vicky. Compared to Spencer, Vicky was harmless. She hadn’t done anything to directly hurt me, and she hadn’t betrayed me. And whenever she did lie to me, I refused to indulge in the anger because Vicky was better than that. I associated lying with Spencer, not Vicky.

Alas, I am still associating odd feelings with Vicky. I don’t really know if I can even call what I feel for Vicky “love.” It’s more like mixed emotions left over from the internal wreckage that Spencer caused a year ago. I don’t even know.  I just need someone to talk some sense into me. I realize it’s not healthy to be thinking about someone all the time, who obviously doesn’t care about me. Diana is going through a drama with a guy who is clearly head over heels in love with her, but she couldn’t care less about him. She showed me a conversation they had together online, and everything he was saying to her, I could picture myself saying to Vicky, if she’d only give me the chance. And when Diana writes him off and calls him “ridiculous,” I can’t help but feel sympathy for the guy. I know exactly how he feels.

185

Aw, c’mon, Mauss, don’t you get it? I don’t want to talk to you anymore. I don’t care about what you’re up to these days.  I don’t care if you care about what I do these days. All those other times I responded to your erratic and irrational text messages — I was just trying to be nice! I’m tired of being nice to you and then having you turn around and say something to me that is both offensive and just out of left field! I’m not going to be nice to you anymore — I have better things to do with my time now. You can send as many messages as you want to me, but plain and simple, I couldn’t care less how you’re doing. If your life is fine, great! If your life is not, whatever. Our friendship soured into something that was completely incomprehensible to me, and I won’t even try to understand it now. In fact, it won’t make any sense for me to try. It’s just a waste of time. I’ve moved on, and I have better things to do and think about than to sit here and make you feel better about yourself. I know you’re in love with me. You can’t fool anybody, especially with those e-mails you wrote to me early this summer. I know you love me, but face it, I’m not in love with you. That was a one-time thing. I told you that right after, but you insisted and persisted to ask for more times, and I just can’t make it clearer to you, Mauss. It’s over! Our friendship is over because you made it so fucking awkward! If you hadn’t made it so awkward, I wouldn’t have been awkward about the whole thing either. But goddamnit, you made it seem as if we were in some lesbian relationship, and we weren’t! We were just friends! What don’t you understand about that, Mauss?? Get over it. It’s been almost 10 months. Just get over it. I don’t want to talk to you anymore. Stop trying to get together for drinks with me. I think it’s just a waste of time to recover a friendship that didn’t mean all that much to me in the first place.

So. Just. Stop.

No Such Luck

Even though I knew it was a lie, even though I knew not to respond (and didn’t for a good few days), even though I knew this was the last time I was going to take this, for some odd reason, I had to give in this time — again. But I can explain! (Look at me trying to justify my own irrationalities on my own blog…)  She’s running a marathon for cancer, and she sent out an e-mail asking for donations to fundraise. That’s a perfectly legitimate cause and a perfectly legitimate reason for me to do something, right? I donated $10, which isn’t a lot, but enough for it to count something, right? No response. Not even a thanks. Just a generic thank you e-mail from the fundraising website.

A week ago she told me that her grandfather was in the hospital, so she wouldn’t be able to meet up for drinks any time soon. I knew it was bullshit, so I didn’t respond with any sort of consolation. I didn’t respond at all.  But then a few days later I receive this mass e-mail about the fundraising, and I realized it was for a good cause, and it would be a shame to let a personal rift prevent me from contributing to this good cause. Plus, it’s tax deductible. lol. Anyway, I knew $10 wouldn’t make a lot of difference, but it was something. And part of me hoped that it was enough something for her to talk to me again. Or at least want to talk to me again.

No such luck.