After All Is Said and Done

It’s been almost six months since that night, and yes, I would be lying if I said she was off my mind for good. I could’ve sworn that I caught a forlorn glance from Vicky during graduation. We were sitting a couple rows away, but we made eye contact for a brief moment amongst all the madness of the ceremony. But maybe the forlornness is all in my imagination. Who knows. At this point, there is nothing left except for the memory of a friendship past. I am still thinking about her even though I know all of these emotions are felt against all logic. There is no reason why I should still be thinking about her. She was a terrible friend, and she continues to be a terrible person towards me. I will probably never see her again, save for the chance encounters in a subway or on the street.  So, why can’t I get her off my mind? Why am I still aching for the friendship that wasn’t even that good to begin with? Why do I still care whether she knows that I put her on limited profile? Why do I still look at her profile?  Why am I still fantasizing about that night? More importantly, why was that night the first thing I thought of when I woke up this morning? It’s been almost six months and I can still remember that night like it was yesterday. Will I ever get over her? There is just no good reason for me to still be feeling this way. I don’t even know what I want. I know our friendship will never rekindle, nor will ever be like the way it was before. I know that she will never talk to me again on her accord. I know that I will never talk to her again on my own accord. These thoughts are useless and a waste of time. Nothing will change. So what am I pining for? What am I regretting? Why can’t I get her out of my thoughts??

Night Before Graduation

So, it’s the night before graduation, and I have to say that I am Scared Shitless. I can’t believe the last four years went by so fast. I was hit with a dose of ugly reality this morning when I checked my grades for the semester. I was 0.01 away from making Dean’s List. I can’t believe I was only 0.01 away from making the seemingly easiest list to get on at this freakin college. I swear to god, I can’t take this place anymore. It eats away at my soul and my confidence with each day. And I love how it hits crescendo right before I graduate. I had the lowest GPA this semester than any of my other semesters in college, including my first one. It’s kinda ridiculous when you think about it. I’m glad college is over. I really just want to move on. But at the same time, I’m just so scared about going out on my own and trying to make it in this city. It’s a really scary thought, even though I’m sure I’ll get through it. It just seems like post-college life is a much lonelier life. No campus events to waste time at, no friends who live close by, no neighborhood bar hopping and then seeing the same person in class the next day. I have absolutely no stability. And recently I also just feel like nobody really cares all that much about me. It makes me feel really shitty when I feel like I can’t really count on anyone around me. Vicky’s whole fiasco is still bothering me. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t. It’s definitely still taking its emotional toll on me, even though I’ve already made the vow to move on and forget about her. It’s working to some extent, but mostly I’m still just really hurt by the whole situation. I mean, we’re definitely not friends anymore, which really sucks. I just feel like I’m in a state of limbo. Before real life, and after college. I think I’m so burned out from college that I just feel… numb. I’m not particularly sad about leaving, and I’m not particularly excited about the weeks to come. I just feel… nothing. And yet, I get into states of panic, like what the hell am I doing? How the hell am I going to survive out there alone? When I am going to have something steady, like a relationship? When is everything going to start going my way? It’s just a real mix of emotions, and it really sucks.

So, I’m getting my Bachelor’s degree in 9 hours. Here goes nothing.

Principles

I think one of my major flaws is that I am too committed to my principles. I believe in what I stand for so much so that I ruin many relationships and situations because I am too stubborn to betray my principles. This is arguably a good thing — and a bad thing. Many times I believe that it’s a good thing, so I don’t compromise these principles, but then I end up getting hurt in the end. Or at least feeling vulnerable. And one of my biggest annoyances is to feel vulnerable. I think that’s why I lash out at people. Any time I feel vulnerable, I feel like I need to overcome these feelings with rash decision-making in terms of my word choice and actions. Vicky, undoubtedly, made me feel vulnerable after not replying with a grateful response. She basically made my friendship and my goodwill worthless, which in turn, made me feel worthless inside. And thus, to counter this vulnerability and weakness, I had to lash out at her in the most extreme way possible. The same thing happened when I broke up with Spencer; I sent him hateful and spiteful text messages over and over again because I felt hurt, betrayed, and above all, vulnerable. But throughout all of this, my principles have remained the basis for which I do these things. Emotionally, I feel vulnerable, but mentally, I believe that I am defending my general principles of humanity. Both Vicky and Spencer were dishonest, inconsiderate, and ungrateful, and for this, I had to attack them to make them realize just how unprincipled they were. That is simply how I work. I have to tell people exactly what I think of them before I disconnect our relationship once and for all. It’s not a pretty way to go down, but it’s the only way I know how to keep myself from feeling vulnerable still. I have to, at all costs, rid myself of this vulnerability, and unfortunately, this is the only way I know how — to lash out at and demean people based on their faulty principles.

Seeing Red

I have officially ended my friendship with a certain person I vowed never to speak of again. My anger rose to red yesterday, to a point of no return. It was actually kind of scary. It was because I was PMSing like crazy. I wrote her an angry message and put her on limited profile on Facebook. But that’s not the point. The point is, whenever I PMS, my anger rises to higher levels than normal. My rage is so deep and my hatred is so intense that my eyes will see red. That’s probably why I wrote that extremely demeaning email to my hungry roommate telling her once and for all what exactly I thought of her and her cheap, stingy ways. It’s kind of scary how my rage and anger can get the better of me when I’m PMSing, because I’m pretty sure under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t react this way. No matter how much my hungry roommate and Vicky deserved it, it’s still kind of odd that I can react with this much rage in such short time. I just can’t believe how much anger I have inside sometimes. I’m sure this requires some sort of medication, because I can’t keep going and ruining all my friendships whenever a bout of rage from PMS arises. It’s beginning to affect my personal life. Anyway, I have to admit that putting her on limited profile was a harder task than I had hoped. I really didn’t want to cut her out of my life, but the way she treated me was absolutely unacceptable and I just didn’t want to deal with her anymore. I told her she was just an inconsiderate and ungrateful person, for someone who fucked up the friendship. It was clearly unacceptable. Anyway, I basically saw red yesterday and disconnected her once and for all.

#95

I’ve decided that the previous post will be the last post ever to mention Vicky, or anything having to do with Vicky, Spencer, or that hellish part of my life. This is the only way I will be able to move on from this episode in my life. Ok, so I just mentioned them in this post. Consider THIS the last post.

There are times during the day where I just feel absolutely miserable inside. And other times I feel absolutely fine. I don’t know if it constitutes bipolar but it certainly is somewhat troubling. It’s not even the whole thing with Vicky. It’s just the fact that I’ve noticed that my friendship circle narrowing with the passing of each day. And for no good reason. It’s not like there has been any falling out or anything. It just sort of happened in the last few months. Admittedly, the most noticeable aspect of hallowing out is the group of mutual friends I had with Vicky. It’s like once our friendship obliterated, others noticed, and decided to step back from me. Maybe not from me specifically for any reason but just decided that it was better to avoid a situation in which we would both be present, so it would be easier to just not invite me or include me in anything. It really sucks. I have to admit that my social circle became noticeably smaller after the whole thing with Vicky exploded needlessly.

the one thing that really gets me more than anything else is how I continuously grovel even though NONE of this is my fault. I am continuously offering truce and putting myself in a vulnerable position, and I get nothing back. It’s almost like reverse psychology. If someone cared about the situation, they would try their darndest to fix the goddam situation, but she obviously doesn’t, and for some reason I feel like maybe I try this or try that, I can get her to care. but that’s not going to fucking happen, and a part of me knows that and a part of me is angry beyond all means about the whole damn situation. Last night I thought about suicide for the first in a really long time. Not in relation to Vicky or anything, but I thought what would happen if I committed suicide? What if one day I jsut disappeared from teh earth? What would people think? THEN would Vicky fucking feel sad? I bet she would feel fucking terrible that she treated me like shit and then ignored my peace offering and then I fucking died. Fucking bitch. I just get so angry thinking about how people can just throw away other people so easily and quickly. It just doesn’t make any fucking sense to me. I told her 10 years from now I’d still be her friend, and then I think, “fuck that shit. if she ever needed help, I wouldn’t help her.” But you know I’m such a fucking pushover and have such a fucking conscience that if she really did ask for help, you know i’d be there. I’m too fucking nice to people who don’t fucking deserve it. It’s fucking annoying as hell. Why can’t I just be a heartless bitch?! Seriously. I wish I knew how to just throw people away so easily. It really is such a talent!

I just keep thinking about Kurt Cobain and his suicide in 1994. It’s not like I’m seriously considering suicide, but I just think about how many people he’s affected from committing such an act. And I wonder what the world would be like if I did something like that. You know, who would it affect? What would people think? Would anybody feel any remorse about what they should’ve or could’ve said or done for me? I just wonder because of how narrowing my social circle has become. Is there a reason why this is happening and I’m just grasping the situation?

I really, honestly, have not felt this way since high school. It’s fucking scary.