Throughout the day I always have things that I think about wanting to put on here. Random thoughts. Random observations, etc. etc. But then I get on here, and my mind is — blank. It’s really weird. I’ve been going through a weird funk lately. Really bizarre. It’s been going on for a while. I just feel really… empty. Maybe it’s just an odd time of the year, where everyone is preoccupied with their own lives and their futures and it’s hard to keep up friendships and meaningful conversations and interactions the way we used to, when we were carefree college students. When the only thing that weighed down on our minds were papers and exams. Except now, it’s papers, exams, AND graduation/post-graduation anxieties. Everyone is just absorbed in their own tasks that our interactions have become superficial and not as meaningful. They’re not meaningless, but they’re not as deep and personal as they used to be. I guess we just have less time contemplating about post-college life or life in general, because in a few weeks, we’re going to be living life. There’s a thought. Wow, that’s weird. I can’t believe in a few weeks, college will be a thing of the past. As excited as I am about it, I’m also pretty scared. I mean, after this, it’s really just going to be life. Nobody is going to make you feel forced to do anything. I mean, after high school, you always have this anonymous force pushing you towards college. College is really a fact of life, not really an option. But that’s not going to be the same for the other things we end up choosing down the road. Law school is not a fact of life. Traveling abroad is not a fact of life. Getting married is not a fact of life. Having children is not really a fact of life either. They could be for some people, but we could also choose not to have children or to get married. Every decision down the road is completely up to us to make or to break. That’s a scary thought. There’s really no defined road after this, and as great as that sounds, it’s also a little nerve-wrecking. I just hope I can be a responsible adult. That’s all.
I think I’ll always look back at those times with Vicky and our favorite bar as a time when I desperately needed a distraction and major healing. The whole situation with Spencer was just so emotionally and mentally draining that, really, the time I had with Vicky was the only time I could’ve had that. At any other point in my life, I don’t think I would have been capable of all those things. So I guess if there was one thing I could thank Vicky for, it would be for taking me out of the misery I was in at the time I was in it. Although, admittedly, she put me through another type of misery that’s a whole other story. But for a while there, she was responsible for making my life… livable. Without those shenanigans and hooliganisms, I would’ve just wallowed in self-pity and felt miserable all the time. I mean, those events brought their own brand of consequences as well, but at least they took my mind off of the one thing that bothered me the most. So I guess, if I were to look back at this year and to tell someone about it, I would say that it was one of the most interesting years I’ve had in college, to say the least. And I think over time I can forgive Vicky for the things she put me through, and I can console myself in knowing that I spent some of the better moments of the worst months of my life with her. And that’s a good thing. So there’s that. As senior year comes to an end, I can always take with me the lessons I learned and the pain that I endured, but at the same time, I can also take a part of myself that I didn’t know I had before. I think I matured a lot these last 18 months, and I have a lot of people to thank for that, both good and bad, but in the end, I think I’m doing pretty well for myself.
