Just wondering…

Am I worth $42k?

 Update: No, apparently I am not.

Alphabet Soup

I am one of those people who appears calm as Buddha on the surface but underneath is completely in disarray. By my appearance it would seem like nothing ever bothers me or phases me, but underneath, I am a complete fucking mess. It’s hard not to feel like a failure when you’re me. No joke. I can’t remember the last time I actually felt like I was worth something valuable in this world. I got my history midterm back today, and it was my first D ever in college. I’ve never even gotten a C before in my life. I had apparently misread the question and misinterpreted the question, so I bombed it. I looked at it calmly, folded it, and put it into my bag, and carried on. He even left a note on my midterm saying that I had not understood the definition of the word and proceeded to give me the Oxford dictionary definition of the word underneath. Ouch. What a slap in the face, huh? Especially for someone who learned English not from an English-speaking household and had to basically master the skills of English on her own, with absolutely no help from her parents. I mean, this is just a slap in the face for the child of immigrants who thought she was doing pretty well so far. Well, not “well” maybe. Whatever it is, I don’t think it called for such a punitive gesture. He also went so far as to point it out to the whole class, not by name of course — that would’ve been TOO ruthless. In any case, it was humiliation in its own right and definitely depressed me. I don’t know how much more of this humiliation and depression I can take in college. I’m so done. I need a break. I can’t keep going through the same courses and the same processes just to get the same results back. I’m sick of swimming in this alphabet soup where the letters between A-F defines who I am as a person. Who the fuck made these 6 letters legitimate indications of a person’s ability, anyway? It’s just so unfair.

The Clean & The Corrupt

Though not the best articulated statement, former “madame” Heidi Fleiss said it best in today’s Newsweek article: “Step down from office. And, dude, if you’re into hookers, that’s fine. But lie to the public? That’s not right.”

Shame. On. Spitzer.

While generally American society tends to look unfavorably upon politicians who are embroiled in unsightly sex scandals, I think there is something in particular that needs to be said for Eliot Spitzer’s current scandal. The whole situation could not be any more ironic. For him, that is. For someone who built his reputation and framed his self-image as a squeaky-clean, straight edge, and morally upright authoritative figure, this is particularly humiliating. True, Bill Clinton survived a sex scandal, but that is, in a sense, different from Spitzer’s predicament. Spitzer built his career on busting immoral businesses, like prostitution rings, and framed his image around that of an upright American citizen. He made the rest of us want to be better because he stood for all the better things.

Honestly, as an aspiring lawyer and someone who ultimately wants to enter public interest law, I looked up to Eliot Spitzer. I loved that he was a public figure who stood for all the right things. The “Sheriff of Wall Street” is what they called him. I considered him one of the last remaining “good” politicians. He seemed to fight crime and enforce laws without wavering in the face of corporate or factional opposition. Finally, here was someone who was willing to fight the good fight even if it meant making some enemies or sacrificing here and there.

And yesterday, the image that I and thousands of other people had built for him completely crumbled before our eyes. The peculiar thing about Spitzer’s episode is that he can never, EVER climb back from this. Not when you’ve devoted so much time and energy to building such a “clean” image only to be found out as a complete hypocrite. You can’t proudly claim to fight crimes like prostitution only to be a john yourself. There is probably nothing worse that a politician can do than betray the public as a hypocrite.

Many people are wondering if he will resign or if he should resign. My answer: YES, please resign. Even if he fought to stay on as governor, he could never redeem the credibility he had worked so hard to earn from the public. This is evident. Perhaps if he hadn’t been so highly regarded as a moral politician, he might’ve been able to get away with not resigning, but Spitzer, you dug yourself into this hole. For the sake of your wife and daughters, resign now and keep out of the public spotlight for as long as you can and as much as you can. You have disappointed so many of us.

- m.

#91

And yet I am reminded continuously that I am no better than these social retards. Which is to say that I am a social retard as well. I have had a string of bad luck with people lately. Suffice it to say, I am no better than the social retards I mentioned in my last post. What I wish people could see is that 98% of what comes out of my fucking mouth is fucking horseshit, so don’t fucking take it so seriously. Or better yet, insult me back. Grow some balls and take a fucking joke. My actions speak way louder than my words. I am a fucking nice person, for fuck’s sake. I am probably more generous than 98% of people I’ve met here, and yet, I’m constantly written off as the bad guy. WHY? I feel like a fucking Hillary Clinton here. Actions aren’t speaking louder than words these days. Fuck that shit. Fuck everyone to hell. Who the fuck cares? I’m outta here.

-m.

Socially Retarded

I came to the conclusion late last night at around 3 in the morning, after having been woken by my socially retarded roommate who was yelling and laughing at the top of her lungs, that my process of eliminating friends isn’t from my own lack of tact — it’s a social darwinian process of elimination. Every person I have weeded out from my life has been socially retarded. Once you compare those people with the people I’m still friends with, it’s easy to see why I’m still friends with those people — they’re normal. Let’s examine:

Social Retard #1 — “L”. Worse roommate ever, turned worst friend and person ever. Eats my food all the time. Has a retarded boyfriend who verbally abuses her, but she’s even more retarded not to realize it. Since she’s not my friend and I couldn’t care less about her existence, I’m not going to help her see that. Extremely infantile behavior overall. Laughing and screaming at the top of her lungs often at 3-4 in the morning. Need I say more??

Social Retard #2 — “A”. Ridiculously boring and annoying person. Talks about nothing but her work all the time, as if nobody else is stressed out about work. To quote Linda, she’s “annoying as fuck.” Everything is a competition with her. Every time I’m around her, I feel an ulcer coming up and if I hang out with her any longer, I’m sure I would’ve vomited blood at some point. She’s one of those kids who never grew up after age 10. It’s like her mother never said to her, “A., it’s nice to ask people about how they are too. Not everyone wants to hear about your bullshit all the time.”

Social Retard #3 — Vicky. After one night of a really hot make-out session, she turns into this homophobic awkward person. Making everyone around her (aka me) feel awkward around her. Like I did something wrong, when in reality, she’s just socially retarded and can’t handle a near-lesbian experience. Give me a fucking break. Shit happens and you deal with it. You don’t run away and avoid it and make everyone around you feel like shit afterwards.

So there. Three prime examples of my social darwinian process of eliminating friends. I think these were all good reasons to rid them from my life. Nobody wants to be friends with a social retard.