Somebody Else’s Trouble

As I sat here confused and *still* thinking about the Vicky situation, it suddenly dawned on me that she had taken such drastic measures to distance herself from me that all of it seemed so…. ridiculous. Not only was she avoiding me and anything that had to do with me, she had blocked me on every chat client. She had taken extremely drastic measures to avoid all contact with me, which if you think about it, were really peculiar for someone who claims not to be affected by that night. And it suddenly became clear to me that this was *not* my problem. This was her way of dealing with the shame and vulnerability that came after that night. She wanted to forget that that night had happened and she wanted to forget everything and every person who was associated with that night. And by taking these steps to obliterate all contact with me, it would allow for a peace of mind. Once she disconnected herself, no longer would I remind her of that one moment when she was vulnerable and open to something that she was scared of. This was not anything personal against me. I had done nothing to cause this rift between the two of us. This was her way of dealing with everything, and along the way, she caused me a lot of anguish and not to mention, our friendship. And if that’s the way she wanted to deal with it, then it was fine by me. I have now come to peace with the situation. I can honestly say that I no longer care about this friendship or what was our friendship because this is her issue to work out. And if she never does, then it’s no big deal for me either. I will not get dragged around anymore, or thrown away anymore. She chose to end things this way; I didn’t. If this lets her sleep better, then all the best. But I am not losing any sleep. Not anymore. I had nothing to do with this, and she knows this. Deep down, she knows this.

Yes, We Can.

I am a staunch supporter of Hillary Rodham Clinton. That’s right. I’m young, and I’m voting for Hillary.

I’ve been following the presidential primary race since March 2007, and I’ve kept a careful eye on which Democratic candidate I would like to vote for. I started out as a John Edwards supporter because I wanted him to win the nomination in 2004, but a series of statements made by him and his wife really turned me off to his candidacy. The other factor was also that Hillary and Obama were clearly the superstars of the campaign trail from the beginning. I then became an Obama supporter because he was fresh and young, and he spoke eloquently. After watching several more debates, I decided Obama was all talk and no substance. He stuttered his way through responses, used a lot of words, and said very little. He had the poise and the appearance of a politician, but he lacked the experience and concrete vision that would allow me to put my confidence and trust in him as a president. After each debate, I still knew very little about Obama’s plan besides the fact that he wanted “change.” What sort of “change,” and how he would bring about this “change” was consistently unclear to me.

Then there was Hillary. A woman, who for the first time in our history, had a realistic chance of becoming the President of the United States. I have to admit that I was her biggest skeptic from the beginning. I knew people were excited that she is an influential woman who has an extremely popular husband, but I wanted her to prove herself to me that she was fit for the job. Sure, she has the experience, and yes, it’s exciting that she’s a woman, but does she understand the issues in our country well enough to form a solution? Not only that, but does she have the confidence and strength to execute it? I was her harshest critic from the start, perhaps falling into that sorry category of women who judge one another more harshly than they would judge men. I didn’t want her to run for president just because she was a woman; I wanted her to prove to me that she was running because she thought she could be a great president. And that’s exactly what she did time again during the debates and during her speeches. She understood the issues better than anyone else on that stage, especially better than Obama, and she had the experience and the strength to speak clearly and loudly about her plans. After each debate, I would feel more and more inspired by her and her ambition to break the ultimate glass ceiling. She understood the issues, and she had great ideas on how to solve these issues or take steps toward solving these issues. When criticized for her past mistakes (e.g. the failed Universal Health Care Plan under the Clinton Administration or her vote for the war in Iraq), she stood by her logic for making each decision time again — never changing her response and never wavering in the face of pressure. She is accomplished in her own right, not just from her husband’s accomplishments. I thought how wonderful it was that we would finally have a woman running for and perhaps becoming the next president. And I couldn’t think of any other woman — or man, even — who was more qualified to be the Democratic nominee this year.

And then there is the part of me who admires Hillary not just as a politician or a leader, but also as a woman. She is ambitious and driven in her personal and professional life. I think she is more than an inspiration for all women in America, especially for young women. She obtained an excellent education and has fought for the rights of women and children since her days in law school. She has built a strong reputation as a lawyer and as a politician. She is the embodiment of the women’s movement. Being a feminist is not about burning bras or bashing men; it’s about accomplishing and breaking patterns in a world dominated and controlled by men. She is a successful lawyer and politician, both realms which are dominated by men and in which women have a hard time of advancing. She was the first female partner at her law firm, and she was knowledgeable and active in making policies during her husband’s administration. But above all, I admire her personal strength to overcome what must have been a devastating and humiliating time during the Lewinsky scandal and to continue serving in the public because that’s what she cares about. She could have easily returned to a private firm and continued her life as a corporate lawyer, earning a more than comfortable salary away from the public eye. But she didn’t. She continued her life in politics and to push through legislation in Congress for causes that she believed in. It takes a strong and devoted woman to turn such an ugly page in her life over and continue doing what she passionately believes in. I think this is an example of a woman that we can all look up to.

I believe so strongly in her candidacy. So much more than in any previous election, but that may also be because I am much more informed about the issues now than ever before. But I feel so passionately for her candidacy that I feel as if I am personally invested. It irritates me the way Obama uses airy and vague rhetoric to rouse up support without giving concrete answers or solutions. He’s inspirational, yes, but I would love to see some substance in his words. How can I believe in words if I don’t have a reason to? To me, Obama throws out a series of topic sentences with no paragraphs to follow. I don’t feel comfortable placing my trust in someone who speaks pretty words but doesn’t give me any answers. I don’t only need to feel optimistic; I need to feel like words can be converted into actions. I’m voting for a president, not the next American Idol. I need to know that my vote goes to someone who can carry out the duties of a president with confidence and good judgment. Hillary is strong and confident, and she understands the problems facing our country. She has outlined detailed plans and has the experience to navigate Washington to carry out those plans. She wants to and knows how to take the necessary steps to repair the damage done by the previous administration. She has the vision and the plans to carry out that vision, and she’s been clear and consistent on both. That is what gives me hope.

Many of my friends are Obama supporters, but they have no reason to be one. Every time I ask them to explain Obama’s policies to me, they can’t because they don’t know them. All they can say is “He’s about change.” (And if one more person says “change,” I will seriously harm them.) And every time an Obama supporter challenges me to a debate, I inevitably come out as the more informed and more reasonable supporter. I’m not out to convert Obama supporters, but I want them to understand how important it is to understand the issues and to be knowledgeable of what each candidate stands for before casting that vote. If you can give me a concrete reason why you support Obama (because of his health care plan, economic plan, etc.), then please, go right ahead. But don’t pull that lever just because your best friend tells you to or because you really liked his star-studded YouTube video.

A friend of mine messaged me via Facebook after seeing that I had posted a website listing 100 reasons to support Hillary. I specifically pointed out, in a tongue-in-cheek manner, the 66th reason, which was “She would never say anything as creepy or cult-like as ‘We are the ones we have been waiting for.’” My friend proceeded to ask, “That can’t be your favorite reason, right? There are plenty of reasons to support Hillary, and I respect that, but there is no reason to be divisive. I support Obama but I hope this election doesn’t divide the party.” I responded kindly and said of course that wasn’t my favorite reason, but it was a reason worth pointing out because Obama’s campaign was filled with airy rhetoric that doesn’t tell his audience anything informative. It simply instills an empty sense of hope in young, naive voters about “change.” She then gave me a detailed explanation of why she supports Obama, saying that she was disenchanted and jaded by our government and the Bush administration. She believes in his words because of the effect they have on people who listen to them. They unify his audience and bring back a reason for being proud to be Americans — something that could also help repair the American image on the international stage. Her response was beautiful and inspirational in itself, but it still didn’t tell me that she knew anything about Obama’s policies or stances. In fact, she clearly admitted to not watching the news, paying attention to politics, or listening to politicians on television. Well, that’s a great way to make an informed decision — just stop paying attention! But I think this example, as well as many others, shows that there are lot of people supporting the politicians they support for reasons that do not apply to the most dire issues facing our country right now. And I find it sad that our political process has ultimately come down to evaluating the charm of 30-sec television spots of quotations and catchphrases rather than the strength of a debate performance. I strongly believe that if more people watched the televised debates, they could make a more substantial decision, whether they vote for Obama or Hillary.

As the public believes more and more that Obama has gained momentum after winning the last eight primaries, I am beginning to feel very much like a Mets fan from Queens — wanting to believe in magic and that the underdog can come back hitting a home run. Her campaign has not been perfect, it is obvious. Bill has had various detrimental effects on her campaign (and thankfully he’s been laying low recently). She has had difficulties raising enough money to campaign in states after Super Tuesday, focusing mainly on Ohio and Texas now. She seems to ignore the states that even her campaign writes off as “Obama territory,” which is highly defeatist and not promising at all for a presidential candidate. Today a large union announced its endorsement for Obama only hours after a superdelegate announced he would support Obama instead of Clinton, like he had announced previously. Hillary’s nomination seems further and further away with the publication of each news story.

But I have to admit that her fight has been more difficult than it should be. If she were a man, all the experience and accomplishments she has built in the last 35 years wouldn’t make this fight so difficult. She would be the clear favorite against a candidate who has had minimal experience in public office and offers little in substance when responding to questions regarding policy. Her gender is a big factor in this election, and it shows in every aspect of the game, from the negative media coverage to the negative political commentary to the obvious double standards at every corner. If she talks about being a woman (like the statement she made at Wellesley about how going to an all-women’s college prepared her for an “all-boy’s club”), people say she’s playing the gender card. If she cries in public like she did before the New Hampshire primary, people question her strength and ability to lead. I wouldn’t be surprised if Obama cried in public people would say he was a sensitive male. The fact of the matter is, going to an all-women’s college does prepare you for an “all-boy’s club” and an “all-boy’s world.” Women’s colleges instill a sense of pride and strength in women that cannot be found at co-ed institutions. I know this because I go to a women’s college. So I wasn’t surprised that I was in the minority when I understood exactly what she meant by her statement. Women commentators on television bashed her for playing the gender card. That’s another thing that is frustrating. Women are especially hard on her. Essentially, at times, both men and women are working against Hillary, and that’s the sad reality of modern day sexism. Misogyny and patriarchal values are so deeply ingrained in our society that women don’t even realize that they are victimizing themselves.

With the experience and confidence that Hillary has, I can’t imagine a better qualified candidate for the Democratic nomination. And yet, the nomination is slipping away with each day, and that’s what saddens and angers me the most. If Hillary does not win the nomination, I will forever remember this election as the year we prevented the most qualified candidate from running in the general election because of 1) our not understanding the issues enough to make an informed decision and 2) our own sexist prejudices preventing us from making an objective decision. The women’s movement has accomplished much, but it has a long way to go. Regardless of whether Hillary wins the nomination, she will undoubtedly inspire many women in the country as they realize that a woman can realistically run for president and that women can be qualified to do the job just as well as any other man. And even more, she will inspire and fire up millions of young women like myself. Her failure to clinch the nomination will be even more reason for women to face the sexist reality of modern society, to step up, and move forward to try to break these barriers. Essentially, to borrow from the Obama campaign, Hillary is telling all little girls in America: “Yes, we can.”

Salary and Benefits

I am definitely excited about getting a real job finally with a salary and benefits.  I’ve been going to job interviews at various law firms for the past month, and each interview has been a different experience. It’s interesting to see that not only are firms interviewing me, I’m also interviewing them in a sense. Essentially, no matter which firm I work for, the work and hours will be the same, so it’s especially important that we’re a good fit for one another. The differences in salaries will only be a matter of a few thousand dollars. But to me, it’s so much more important that I like the people who I will be working with and that I like the firm that I work for.

When you step into a law firm, it’s amazing the atmosphere and “personality” you can sense from it. And then as you meet the people who work there, you start to realize whether or not you’d actually fit in. I went to one firm that seemed to have a very laid back attitude in terms of dress code. The support staff was very friendly, but as soon as I met the attorneys, I was completely turned off by them. I know lawyers are difficult people sometimes, but if there is at least one lawyer who is approachable and friendly, then I think that firm is set. I mean, some lawyers are normal people, right? Hehe. Sometimes I wonder what kind of lawyer I would be, since my personality doesn’t quite fit the mold. I’m much too laid back and not anal enough to ever be a great lawyer… Oh well.

I was offered a position today at a firm that I don’t think I would want to work for, even as a lawyer. The environment was much too sterile, and the people were abrasive and just plain odd. However, I’m using them as leverage to maybe get a position with a BigLaw firm that I completely fell in love with earlier this week. The people were friendly. The firm’s mission and commitment in pro bono work was obvious and active. It was in this humongous building in midtown, and I was just thoroughly impressed by it. I contacted them today to let them know that they were my first choice even though I had an offer in the works. Hopefully, this will help speed the process along and they will see my enthusiasm for the position.

In other news, I finally got to talk to Vicky in person. As awkward was it was, I think everything is ok between us, but we definitely will not hang out as much as before, and definitely will not be going bar-hopping together any time soon. This is for the better thoguh. I haven’t been much in the bar-hopping mood lately.

Four Suitcases

Hm.. I kind of wish I hadn’t posted anything about the LSAT. Now I’m getting a million search hits from people who search “February 2008 LSAT” on Google and then getting a thousand more random comments from people who do everything from showing off their scores and LSAT skills to dumb one-sentence comments that don’t mean anything. People, I don’t care what you think. I’m just venting about the LSAT. It helps me relieve stress. Get a blog, and you can do it, too. So much for my own private space for ridiculous thoughts. I should just switch this blog back to private again, which is what I used to do on Blogspot.

This whole thing with Vicky reminds me of a similar incident with my other friend, Jane. Jane and I are on civil terms, but we don’t see each other anymore and we certainly don’t hang out anymore. She used to be one of my best friends though. I even went to her house for Thanksgiving once. Anyway, Jane and I had a falling out over miscommunication, misunderstandings, and lack thereof as well. It all sort of built up over the course of 3 weeks, and within a matter of days, our friendship of 2.5 years collapsed. I remember being extremely hurt and confused over all that had happened. And I also remember my last feeble attempt to reach out to her to fix the situation. And of course, I also remember the lack of reciprocation from Jane’s end. This is precisely what’s happening with Vicky. There is absolutely no reciprocation after all that’s happened in the last week. These types of situations remind me of fights that you have friends in the fourth grade, and funny enough, they bring out emotions that I felt when I was in the fourth grade. I feel reverted back to childhood.

I think it’s hard for people who have family in New York or who grew up and live in New York to understand what it’s like for someone who actually moved to the city. Three years ago, I packed my entire life into four suitcases and moved to this city with no friends and no family on the East Coast. I had to start over from scratch. New friendships and new support systems. If anything happened to me, there was nobody within an 8-hour flight to come help me. It’s a scary thing to go through, and it’s also a very lonely experience. You end up depending very heavily on the friends you make and the support networks, however shaky they might be, that you build. But for people like Vicky and Jane who live so close to friends from high school and who have family living a subway ride away, they think these friendships are just like any other. They have others that they can depend on and with whom they have much deeper, richer, and longer connections. It’s not a big deal if a friendship that lasted for 5 months or 2.5 years ended within a matter of days. But to me, it’s different. I’m not only investing my time but also my life into these people to try to build the support network I need and can depend on to survive in this city alone. People say it’s such a brave thing to do to move out here alone at such a young age, and only when I experience situations like the one I’m experiencing now with Vicky or Jane, do I come to realize that, yeah, this is a pretty difficult way of life. Not having connections or having very little while living in a large city alone is a very scary and lonely way of life. And fragile.

In any case, the lack of reciprocation from Jane and now Vicky makes me realize that maybe reciprocation just wasn’t worth it for them. Maybe my friendship meant very little or at least not enough to even reciprocate the effort. And if that’s the case, it is quite depressing and is hard to take in. Especially since I had depended on them so much as friends.

Friends of the Friendless

This is me trying to salvage every friendship I’ve managed to fuck up in the last few years of college, and it’s been quite a few of them. After this recent falling out with Vicky, I’ve realized that maybe all these ex-friends weren’t really all that crazy — maybe it was me who was crazy all this time. Since my first few months of college, I’ve managed to hold on to two friendships until now. Everything else has either fallen by the wayside or has completely been obliterated by anger, grudges, and probably a shitload of misunderstandings and miscommunication. And yes, I know that we all grow up and evolve into different people in college, so it’s inevitable to lose certain friends along the way. But the way these friendships have ended just makes me think, “Hm… Maybe I’m to blame for a pretty big part of it too.” It used to be that I would think that I’d done everything I could to salvage the situation and not see the friendship, along with the months it took to build it, completely be destroyed within a matter of days. And while I still think that I did do everything I could and made sure that I gave the other person the opportunity to reciprocate and try to salvage the friendship with me, I still think maybe there’s something else I could’ve done. But then again, maybe that person didn’t want to salvage the friendship anyway, so they didn’t even bother reciprocating. That’s entirely possible, and if it’s true, it makes me kind of sad that someone would think a friendship with me would be so easily dispensable. Kind of makes you evaluate yourself and your character altogether, you know?

Anyway, Vicky was nice enough to wish me good luck on the LSAT via Facebook. She said she didn’t want to lose our friendship over the messages we’d exchanged, but she didn’t mention anything about the stalker situation, which frankly confuses me a little bit. Did she not mention it because it’s a completely ridiculous notion? Or did she not mention it because there might’ve been an ounce of truth to what I said and she just didn’t want to face the situation? Anyway, she offered truce and said she wanted to get together and let me know what was going on in her life, and then wished me luck for the LSAT. At first, in the heat of the moment, I wasn’t going to reply to the message because I was so angry and hurt that she had put me in such an odd position, but then I thought that maybe she had a legitimate reason to act weird (e.g. family issues, financial issues, etc.), so I replied. I sent her a short message thanking her and saying that if she wanted to talk, she could give me a call whenever she wanted to. A couple of days later, I hadn’t heard from her, but I did start to think about all the friendships I’d lost throughout the years. How most of them were really the result of misunderstandings and miscommunication, or lack thereof. And how maybe I was responsible for a good amount of them. So I decided to send a more detailed message to her last night, basically saying that I would hate to see this friendship end over something that’s probably just a misunderstanding, and that if she wanted to get together and talk it all out, I’d be more than happy to. And if she didn’t, that’s ok too. And I apologized for being insensitive towards the problems she might’ve been having with family or money, and that I was sorry if it appeared that I was being clingy, but made sure to point out that everything was done in friendship — nothing else. And now I’m just waiting for a reply.

It always seems to come down to this when my friendships are hanging by a thread. I make the last feeble attempt to salvage whatever I can before it all goes to waste and before the time and energy that I’d invested into something all goes down the drain in vain. And it always seems that these last feeble attempts come too little, too late, and that’s why the friendships bite the dust the way they do. Because maybe I never did enough, and when I thought I was doing something right, it was too late.