conversations with rum

i think the fact that i have less than 48 hours left until the LSAT and considering that it’s 4 in the afternoon and i’m pretty much drunk on rum and coke speaks volumes of how much stress and pressure i’m under for this test. i think that was a run on sentence. i am accepting my fate. i am goign to get clobbered by this test on saturday, and i am going to be devoured by fate. i have bombed the last two practice tests i’ve taken. i am not going to make it into the 99th percentile. i am going to be lucky if i make it into the 90th percentile even. i am a numbers whore. this test has made into a numbers whore. i am also a modifier whore. “Most” is not the same as “some,” and “usually” does not mean “always.” LSAT, you are the biggest pain in the ass i have ever come across. and because of you, i am drunk at 4pm on a Thursday afternoon. Brah-fucking-vo. Good bye, Columbia, NYU, and Fordham Law. You were good dreams, but you were not mine apparently. I hate standardized tests. I will only do well on this test if God helps me on Saturday. Hey, a conditional statement. God is not going to help me. I haven’t prayed in 10 years, but sure as ever, i have prayed multiple times in the last week. God is not going to help me because i’m selfish. i didn’t pray until i wnated omsething from him. this speaks volumes of my character.

vicky and i aren’t friendsa nymore. she thinks i’m some stalkerish lesbian lover. all i did was texta nd call her to see if she wanted to get dinner or coffee. somehow that became a come on. she never coiuld get over that nightr. damn, i’m missing class right cuz i’m so fucking drunk. fucking LSAT. fucking world. fucking lawyers. i fucking hate this shit. why the fuck. what the fuck. vicky is imagingint hings. i’m not in love with her. why does she think that? here i am, thinking i’m beign a good friend and dividing some time out for her in the midst of all this LSAT madness, and she thinks i’m comiing on to her. like i wanna get in her pants or something. this is ridiculous. i may be slightly bisexual but i sure as hell didn’t iniitiate things that night. i called her on it though. i told her to get over it. because she needs to get over it. whatever, we’re not friendesa nymroe. this rum is hitting me hard. shit.

Pseudo Sex Adventure

To say that I had the craziest night of my life the other night would be an understatement. Wow, senior year of college has really been an interesting experience. Maybe it’s the combination of senioritis and the “who gives a damn”attitude that makes these things happen during the last year of anything. I definitely remember senior year of high school being the interesting of all years — of course, even the craziest nights back then don’t compare to any other night in college. Nonetheless, senior year of college has been an interesting ride. Even with its ups and downs, I’ll definitely remember this year as the most memorable one of all. The main difference that sticks out to me about this year is my openness to try new things when opportunities present themselves to me. Well, actually, that happened when I was in Europe, too, so I suppose it’s not only a senior year thing. I guess it’s a “being young” thing. A lot of times when I’m in the moment, and I’m deciding on whether I should take the opportunity and run with it, or if I should back off, I inevitably come to the conclusion, “I’m young. It’s now or never. If I don’t do this, I’ll never know what it’s like, and I’ll always wonder about it afterwards.” Because honestly, it’s true. I am young. I’m definitely not going to have these kinds of (mis)adventures when I’m 30 years old, or even 25 years old. I figure one day I’ll have a serious job, where my reputation depends on everything, and I’ll need to watch my back, but right now, I’m just an unemployed, carefree college student. If I don’t try new things now, I’ll never be able to again without strings attached. Having said that, I am still cautious of how many bread crumbs I leave behind in case one day any of this really catches back up with me. They never let politicians forget about their drug use and whatnot. Albeit my nights never involve drugs, but they do amount to a certain level of scandalousness.

So, on to some details about the other night. Basically, Single Friend #2, Diana, and I went to celebrate one of Diana’s best friend’s 21st birthday. It started out innocent enough, with 5 girls going to a BYOB karaoke bar. Fortunately and unfortunately, it was BYOB, so we definitely had more to drink that we could really handle in two short hours. Then one of the girls we were with told us there was a party on the east side, and we should go check it out. We get there sufficiently drunk and start talking to some guys who lived there. I can’t remember much about what happened, but I do remember Diana making out with her best friend and then with me. And the guy I was talking to, who I think was interested in me, but I wasn’t into him, told me he thought it was hot when two girls kissed each other. Diana, hearing him, then suggests that maybe we can have a make out fest in his room. He jumped at the idea. Diana said something like, “Let’s fulfill his fantasy.” No, we didn’t have a foursome, it was more like everyone making out with everyone and then me and Diana’s friend watching Diana have sex with this guy in his room — twice. And then at one point, Diana fingered her friend, who has never had an orgasm before and is kind of a sexually uptight person. So, to see that happening in person was just unbelievable. But after seeing that, I started to get ideas of my own. After receiving the best oral sex of my life with Spencer, I’ve always wondered what it would be like to go down on a girl. So, after seeing Diana with her friend, I figured this might be the only opportunity where I could throw the idea out there and not have it seem awkward or bizarre. Diana agreed, and I went down on her. I’m still trying to figure out whether I liked it or not (I think I liked it), but I now know what it’s like to go down on a girl. Cool.

I’m pretty sure the guy wanted to have sex with me, but probably got the hints that I wasn’t interested and eventually moved on to Diana.  I’m glad I didn’t because I think that would’ve ruined the night. I had a lot of fun, and if I had had sex with him, I would’ve pretty much ruined my new year’s resolution barely two weeks into 2008 and regretted that night. I don’t regret that night at all, and I’ll look back on it with fond memories, so it was definitely the right thing to do. Moreover, watching Diana and this guy have sex (twice) and then casually say goodbye at the end of night without even a hint of exchanging numbers or anything (from both Diana and this guy) really turned me off for some reason. It was almost like I watched them cheapen sex before my eyes. I guess I’m just conservative in this department. Anyway, I made that resolution for a reason, and I’m going to keep it. Besides, I won’t be having anymore crazy nights again until after the LSAT, so I at least have January under my belt. Haha.

My Longest Crush

This is kind of an ongoing thing for me, actually, but I never stop to think about it for long. I’ve had a crush on this guy since my freshman year of college. He was a junior, and I was a freshman. I had one large lecture course with him in which I sat maybe two rows away from him every class. We never spoke, but we acknowledged each other sometimes. We once happened to attend the same club meeting for a club in which we hardly ever participated, but we spoke briefly on the way back from the meeting. We became Facebook friends after that night but still didn’t talk to each other in class. I watched him enter the lecture hall every day (because I was a nerd and would get to class fairly early back then), and I would always think, “He looks a lot like Justin Timberlake.” And it was really just his short, curly hair that made him look like Justin, because now the more I look at him (via Facebook) the less he looks like Justin. Haha. Anyway, over the years, I think I’ve exchanged two private messages with him via Facebook because I’ve always had a crush on him but never had the courage to do anything about it. The first time I messaged him was the semester after our class together, and I asked him (casually) how his semester was going and such. And he kindly replied updating me on his graduation plans and thesis writing, which I always found to be quite personal and comforting for some reason. I don’t know, I guess if it were me, I wouldn’t really elaborate on things like that with someone I spoke to only once. But that only added to this guy’s charm. The second time I messaged him after he had graduated and he listed himself as a teacher for Teach For America on his facebook profile. I asked him how he liked it and told him I might be interested in applying for a position (I wasn’t). He responded by inviting me to an information session that he was holding on campus (he teaches in the city) and said he’d be happy to tell me all about it. I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to go to the session because I figured he was probably just going to be friendly and think that I really did want to do Teach for America when I really didn’t, so I opted out. And that was the last time I heard from him. He’s still on Facebook, and we’re still friends, but I haven’t spoken to him. He’s also not an avid Facebooker, meaning he doesn’t use it as a social tool the way everybody else who uses it does, so it’s hard to know whether he even checks his profile anymore. The only other way to get in contact with him is to e-mail him.

If only I had a reason to e-mail him. I periodically check his profile to look through his pictures. It’s so very stalker-ish, but I can’t help but wonder what it would really be like to date him. I don’t even know if he’s seeing anybody. He just seems so nonthreatening to me, not like the other guys I meet elsewhere. He has kind of a soft, boyish charm about him that I’ve always liked since freshman year. Of course, I have no idea who he really is. He could be a total jerk for all I know, but what I do know about him and through whatever little contact we’ve had, I really like. I think it’s terrific that he’s teaching at an inner city school, and that he invited me to talk to him about it even though we hardly knew one another. Anyway, here I am, 3 and a half years later, and I’m still thinking about him. He has to be the longest crush I’ve ever had. Usually my crushes fade away with time, especially after no contact for a long time, but for some reason, he has always stuck out in my mind. It’s amusing more than anything else.

In other news, I’ve decided to go into temporary celibacy. I want to kick this new year off right by taking things slow for myself. I’m going to try to avoid getting myself into sticky and uncomfortable situations and just focusing on everything else. For right now, it’s going to be my thesis and the LSAT. I’m determined to take this exam only once, and get it over with, so I’m going to study my ass for it for the next 3 weeks. I really hope it works. Nothing else really matters right now.