These Up-and-Down Days are Far from Gone

This is apparently my last post of the year. Sigh. As I’ve mentioned, I’m glad to see the year go. I think of all the years I’ve “lived through,” this one had to have been one of the hardest, if not the hardest. Both in terms of the misfortunes that fell upon me and in terms of my trying to figure myself out from all of it. From the crazy, thoughtless actions in Europe to the betrayal and the debauchery that was the lame excuse for dating that followed. What exactly is it that I want out of this life? When am I going to take control? I always have these goals I make for myself that don’t directly address anything within me; they’re just goals that get me somewhere, like taking the right classes or applying to law school. I’ve never had a goal that was really just for me. A goal from within. Well, I think I might have one for 2008. As scared as I am about 2008, there’s a part of me that still has faith and hope in it. I guess all I really want out of 2008 is a peace of mind and a restoration of faith in mankind. And in order to achieve that for myself, I have to work on my perspective. I realize that I can’t go on forever feeling jaded and cynical about people — both men and women. I can’t go on forever wallowing in self-pity over all that’s happened with these men and all that I’ve done at these bars/parties/etc. I have to take charge of my own life and my own thoughts. I have to feel like I can have faith before I can begin restoring faith.

So, really, the healing process has just begun for me. I think the last couple of months of mindless drinking and flirting was my way of telling myself and the world that I was ok, when in reality, I wasn’t. And I’m still not. I’m an emotional wreck inside, and depending on the position of the moon on any given night, I might actually feel slightly optimistic sometimes. Of course it didn’t help that Vicky seemed only to encourage this behavior and to perpetuate the pain — for the both of us. Like I said, she’s going through some shit of her own too. And a part of me felt like I was becoming emotionally attached to her after that night — almost the way I’d become attached to Spencer at one point. And that scared me. Not that I don’t believe in bisexual tendencies, because I know I have them, but because I know I’m such a mess inside that if I were to pursue this or if she were to suggest something habitual of it, it might lead me into an emotional downward spiral that will make this healing process even harder. I don’t know how to explain it. I just don’t want to complicate things for myself even more. I want simplicity in my life. Really, I do.

And if simplicity in my life means no romance, then so be it. And if it does, then so be it too. I don’t care anymore. I just want things to be simple again. Before Spencer came along, I felt like I had a lot of myself figured out, and only in the last couple of weeks have I gone back and looked for these things again. From listening to my classical music collection to reading more. Being home and catching up with old high school friends have really helped as well, since we have been reminiscing and recalling various aspects of our lives that I’d long forgotten. I just need to find myself again, and I think for 2008, that will be my goal from within. I’m not saying that I’d necessarily lost myself to begin with, but I think I’ve lost a lot of perspective and — dare I say — cajones, in the last couple of months. These reckless nights of drinking and flirting were my weak attempts of showing the world that I could still grab the bull by the horns after Spencer, but as Dylan, Steve, and Vicky have shown me, the bull grabbed me instead. Not that they were necessarily vindictive towards me directly, but the actions I displayed around them were not from the real me. It was me trying to impress them, trying to prove something to them. I’m not a reckless person. I’m not a carefree, thoughtless person. And I’m not a cynical person, as hard as it is to believe that. But whatever is left after you strip away all of that — that’s what I need to find and rediscover.

Before I can restore my faith in mankind, I have to restore faith in myself. I have to regain perspective on what’s important to me, and what my real values are — not what I think the world wants to see of me. I don’t owe the world any sort of explanation or any sort of consolation for the emotional wreck I’ve been inside. I’m starting to think that being around Vicky has only made the healing process harder because she’s dealing with a lot of emotions that she doesn’t know how to process either. Together, we’re just a couple of emotional wrecks who perpetuate each other’s pain. Next semester I think it might be good to reevaluate my weekend plans. In any case, I want 2008 to be the year I rediscover myself and build an even stronger image of myself, not to the world, but to myself. Because as pained as I am about what has happened in the last few months (involving all three men who came in and out of my life), I still believe that somewhere out there, there’s a genuinely caring and loving individual who is waiting for me to pick myself up and get over to him. Because god knows, I want to love again, but I have a long way to go.

Expect the Unexpected

So, I think we survived Christmas. That means one more to go… New Year’s. Probably going to be uneventful there since it will just be me and my mother. This will be good though. I didn’t really expect to be so preoccupied when I got home with everything but the things that I had planned on working on. I had planned on catching up on work for my thesis and studying for the LSAT, seeing that the exam is just right around the corner. I didn’t expect to forget how different my home is now. In the last year, I haven’t been home for more than a week, so I haven’t really noticed the changes that have taken place in this house. For one, my mother has a severe case of Empty Nest Syndrome. So severe that I’d classify it as borderline depression. I mean, this is compounded with other family matters that I won’t discuss here, but together, they make for a pretty nasty emotional stew. I guess I just didn’t realize how lonely it must be for her to live in this house alone, with nobody to interact with and share her life with. Now that my brother and I are home, she’s obviously elated and excited to share with us her thoughts and feelings about life that she generally can’t because we live too far away and we don’t call often enough. I can’t resent her for wanting to talk to me when I’m trying to read, and I’m not, but I just wasn’t expecting this at all. And I feel bad about stressing out inside about how I’m going to do all the studying I had initially planned because I’m on a pretty tight schedule until February.

It also depresses me to know that my mother is alone in this house almost all year long and I hadn’t even thought about the fact that my lack of calls to home on a weekly or daily basis has such an effect on her. I wish she lived closer to me, and so does my brother, but she’s stuck in this slump where she’s too unmotivated to uproot herself to start a new life elsewhere — away from this town in which we grew up. But she has nothing here. My brother and I have both started our lives in different cities, and she has no reason to stay here. She doesn’t even like it here. but I think it’s a vicious cycle. The more she doesn’t like it here, the more unmotivated she becomes, and the more she doesn’t like it, and so on and so forth. I’m not sure how to remove her from this slump, and I know my brother is trying, but she can very stubborn sometimes. I just don’t really know how to help, and I hate it. I hate to admit that I don’t know my own mother enough to know how to help her. People always ask me if it’s hard for our family to be so far apart all the time, and I never know what to say. And the reason for that is because our family has never been all that close or intimate before. Ever since I can remember, my parents fought constantly and my brother and I never got along. We never developed the bond that you always see in big brother/little sister relationships. Only in recent years have we become closer, and we’re not that close at all. I haven’t seen him since last Christmas, and I talk to him maybe once every few months via e-mail. I have no close attachments to my immediate family, which is why I depend so heavily on my friends and the people around me. And I know it makes me incredibly vulnerable to betrayal and abandonment — the way Spencer betrayed me. But my friends are all I have, and that’s the risk I take every time I put my complete trust in anyone — be it my friends or lovers or anything. I envy my friends who have close relationships with their families because it means they don’t need me as much as I need them. And I guess I won’t really have this sacred bond with a family until I create my own. Until then, I’m kind of just… out there.

Another sad thing this Christmas was that my brother and his long-term girlfriend broke up recently. They both still came home for Christmas and pretended like they were still together for the sake of my mother. They’d been together for almost seven years. Tonight before we went to bed, my brother’s girlfriend came to my room and basically said good bye for the last time. She said she hoped to make it to my graduation but there was no guarantee and it might be awkward, so we probably won’t see each other again any time soon. She started to cry, and that’s when it hit me how weird everything had gotten in this house. For the longest time, I think they were my role models of what a long-term relationshp was supposed to be about. They had met in college, lived together, and even survived a yearlong long-distance relationship. They were best friends, and still are, and they did everything together. And now it’s over. Their being together had been such a constant in my life that I just can’t believe that it’s over. I felt like I was breaking up with her too.

So many things are starting to change. I’m kind of afraid of what 2008 is going to bring. I had high hopes for 2007, and it let me down greatly — mostly due to my own stupidity and choices. And I expect 2008 to bring many changes — with graduation and jobs being the two most important ones — but I’m afraid of expecting these changes to be good. I’m kind of afraid to face these changes. I don’t really want to face these changes. The closer we get to graduation the more I realize how much is going to change. No longer will I live on a college campus near all of my friends and basically function within a 10-block radius. I will have to get an apartment, work somewhere far from my apartment, and make a real effort to see my friends (and those are just the ones who will stay in the city — who knows about the ones who will leave this area!). So I guess what I’m trying to say is…. 2008, I’m kind of afraid of you. Please don’t hurt me…?

Quick Updates: Steve and I exchanged some harsh words and we haven’t spoken since last week. I’ve decided to be on a dating hiatus and to just enjoy my last semester of college without any male drama. God knows I’m no place to be in any sort of relationship right now — serious or not. Vicky and I are on good terms again — I think she was just stressed with finals, but I have a feeling that this proverbial pink elephant will forever remain in our rooms. And I’m kind of half-expecting something to happen between Vicky and I again after we’ve had one too many drinks. And can I say that I’m actually kind of excited for it to happen again…? Honestly, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that night. It was pretty incredible and hot, and I never expected to be so turned on by it. It’s kind of cool.

Good Riddance, 2007.

We have about two full weeks left of 2007, and as I look back on the last 50 weeks, I must say, I have very little of which to be proud. I have made more mistakes than good decisions. Done more stupid things than smart. Prioritized poorly. Spent too much money. Did too little work. Had very little self-control. Been too naive and trusting of the evils in this world. And so on and so forth. Everything you would expect from a little girl who has yet to grow up into a woman but who often thinks she has. Who let me out of my house? Really. They shouldn’t have. I am not ready to face this world alone, and I think 2007 showed me a thing or two about that.

In the last 50 weeks, I have:

• Had a one night stand in a foreign country.
• Had unprotected sex (twice).
• Fallen in love with a man who ultimately was pathological and did not really love me.
• Been betrayed by my first love (same man)
• Had sex with 3 people I didn’t care about. (More about the third man later)
• Made out with countless people in bars.
• Failed to take the LSAT when I had planned to because my priorities were all off.
• Had to tell a girl that her boyfriend was my boyfriend too.
• Cheated on someone.
• Come home drunk almost every weekend.
• Made out with one of my best friends and now have a feeling that we’ve ruined the friendship somehow. (Vicky; more about that later)
• Been type casted as a slut. (more about this later)
• Drank too much for my own good on far too many occasions.
• Managed to become even more distant from my family, if that’s even possible.
• Thought, “What the fuck am I doing?” on far too many occasions than ever before.
• Been emotionally manipulated — and completely fell for it.
• Gotten a pap smear twice — after having unprotected sex. (Only supposed to get it once every 2 years…)

Basically, that’s a partial laundry list of the bad things I’ve done this year. There’s probably a whole lot more, but I just can’t remember them now. All I know is, I can’t name too many things I’m proud of that I did this year. This year has been rough for me, I’m not gonna lie. And I’m really going to be happy when we reign in the new year. Happier than most people, I believe. I’ve made far too many stupid decisions.

I have to say that Monday night changed some things between me and Vicky. I’m not sure if it’s because it’s finals week and everyone is stressed out, but I’m getting some really weird vibes from her. I think Monday really got to her head, even though she keeps saying it didn’t and tries to make it seem like I’m the one who feels uncomfortable about it. She hasn’t said that I wanted it more though; she’s said we both wanted it. But we said we weren’t going to do it again, which is fine by me. But somehow, our interactions are kind of off. Like there’s the proverbial pink elephant in the room or something. I’m not sure if she’s just really stressed out about finals and we’ve been spending too much time together or something, but this is really starting to bother me. Maybe the break will be good for both of us.

And Steve. Wow, here’s another mistake. I am so sick and tired of making mistakes and not learning from them. I am just a weak person. And I have to admit, Vicky doesn’t really help in that department, being that she is just as weak, if not weaker, than I am. And she has a real hard time opening up to people and showing that she cares for people. After tonight, all I wanted was a hug from her, and it was so difficult for her to give me one. Anyway, what happened tonight? Well, Steve came over for dinner. I cooked some food, we had some wine. Went into my room and yes, we had sex. And afterwards, we started talking about his friend, Rick, who Vicky and I had actually met before we met Steve that first night. We both disliked Rick and knew he was one of those guys who slept with a lot of people. Steve later confirmed this. He then proceeded to say that he was not really good friends with Rick. However, on Monday night, when the three of us were hanging out, Steve wanted to text Rick, and I caught him. I knew what he was doing. He wanted Rick to come and take Vicky away as a distraction. Rick didn’t end up coming for whatever reason, but I was pretty pissed off. I’ve never believed in choosing men over friends. Never. And I wasn’t about to start that night. Not for a guy who I barely cared about. Anyway, so we were talking about Rick and how many people he had slept with, and so I asked Steve how many people he’d slept with. I can’t remember what he said, but basically he said something like, “I bet you have a higher number than me.”

Time out. Say what?!

Ok, so maybe during the few occasions he has seen me and Vicky together at bars, we have been a little crazy. And maybe I invited him up to my apartment after the first night of meeting him. But that does NOT give him the right to judge me like that, especially after spending a significant amount of time with me and after I didn’t sleep with him until now. I was so angry I just asked him to leave. A few hours later he apologized VIA FACEBOOK (lame!) about how he had made a bad joke and whatever. I didn’t reply.
Oh my god, the way he said whatever he said though. It basically just made me and Vicky look like some barhopping sluts. I’m sorry, but we work hard and play hard, and so what if that means we’re comfortable with our sexuality? We happen to be very smart and driven women. We have goals in life. We make the grades. Don’t dumb us down. So if a guy brings a girl home, he’s not anything bad, but if a girl does it, she’s a slut and has possibly slept with more people than a 27-year-old?? I DON’T FUCKING THINK SO. This misogynistic world is so fucked up sometimes I wonder how women have ever come this far. EVER. It’s a miracle we’ve made ANY headway. Not that we’ve made a lot of headway, but we’ve made some, and that’s a fucking miracle. I have never been so offended in my life. To think that someone could possibly think I am a slut is completely unfathomable to me. I didn’t even lose my virginity until I was 19. I don’t wear any make up or wear any provocative clothing. I’m smart, motivated, driven, and ambitious. I am not some dumb bimbo who jumps from one guy to another. Please.

I am so sick of this shit. Good riddance, 2007.

Anatomy of a Kiss

So pretty much immediately after Thanksgiving, I was completely swamped with work. In the last two weeks, I’ve had to write five papers that were all at least 12 pages long — the longest being 25. The up side is that I’ve figured out that I’m a deadline addict. I actually get a rush out of being under pressure and doing work. Wow, I’m a nerd. No, the real up side is that I’ve gotten really good reviews for my writing from my professors. My thesis adviser said I was a great writer, which meant a lot to me, because like I said before, she’s really intimidating. Up until now I’d always figured I would never get the art of paper-writing down. Topic sentences, transitional sentences, outlines, intros, conclusions, etc. I never thought I’d actually get it all down one day, but apparently in my final year of college, I’ve finally learned how to write. I guess these last few years did pay off after all…

Steve has managed to stick around, to my surprise. He’s actually a really nice and fun person to be around. I think he just comes off really bad online or something. We’ve hung out a fair amount in the last few weeks, along with my friend Vicky. Vicky is a big fan of him, so that’s always nice when your friends like your person of interest. If anything is comforting though, I think he’s actually normal. Or as close as you can get to it compared to Spencer. Sometimes I sit here and think, “I can’t believe I didn’t realize what a freak Spencer was.” But.. you live and learn, I guess. Anyway, I’m taking things slow with Steve. We haven’t done anything more than kiss, so it’s working so far.

Speaking of kissing, I crossed another thing off my to-do list in college — kiss another girl. It’s been one of those things I’ve always wanted to do but could never find anyone who was cool enough to do it with. Well, last night, as I was celebrating the end of my paper-writing hell, I drank a few beers, got sufficiently drunk, and made a bet with a guy sitting with us (Steve, Vicky, and me) at the bar, and needless to say, I lost and had to kiss Vicky. Though Vicky was more than welcoming of the idea, which was pretty cool and I got a kick out of it. She’s a good kisser, I’ll admit that. What’s even funnier is that at the end of the night, Vicky and I hung out in her room for 2 hours until 6am just sitting in her bed and kissing. I think we both just wanted to see what it was like and how far we could take it. Though, mind you, it did get pretty awkward at times. But at the same time, I enjoyed and it did turn me on. Haha. Life.

Wow this post made me sound like a mindless college girl. Maybe I am… I’ll have more to say later.