Little Gifts from Above

I find that the last few months has really been a process. Not that it has ended necessarily (far from it), but I’m starting to sense a pattern here. First came despair, then disbelief, then despair again, then disbelief again, then detachment, then bruised optimism, then utter hopelessness, then cautious optimism, then detachment again, so on and so forth. It sounds more like a cycle than a process, but trust me, it’s been a process — all linear, nothing circular.

Thanksgiving was something truly special this year. I don’t think any past holiday has come even close to giving me the warmth and comfort this Thanksgiving has. I spent the day with Ann and her family and friends for the second year in a row. Last year, my mother was here, but she couldn’t make it out this year, so I went to Ann’s alone. It’s funny, you would think that since Thanksgiving is such a family-oriented holiday that being away from my immediate family and substituting them with another would give me a sense of hollowness or make me feel incomplete. But it doesn’t. Like I mentioned before, I love Ann, and her family is composed of the most genuine people I have ever met. They welcomed me into their home and treated me like a close friend, if not family, for the second year in a row. I have come to know her siblings and her hometown friends fairly well over the years. As we spent time together at the table, around the house, or at the parade, I couldn’t help but feel absolutely content and, dare I say, blessed for knowing such good people and to feel so loved by them. I am far from being Christian, but knowing these people has given me the sense of the word “blessing.” Ann showed me pictures of her wedding dress, and suddenly the thought of her getting married became so concrete. I feel like I’m the one giving her away in June. Sometimes I see Ann, and I honestly feel blessed to have known and met her that first week of college.

Even as I write this, I’m tearing up and it’s not because I’m sad, but it’s because I have never felt happier in my life. Let’s face it, this last year has been filled with its ups and downs — mostly downs, but this weekend made me realize that I am surrounded by people I love and who love me, and that’s what really counts. And I’ll make it my goal to surround myself with more people like this. What happened in the last few months has been nothing short of a nightmare, but I’m reaching that point in the process where I can look at it and think, “What a psycho experience.” and not feel betrayed, which is a real improvement. Being able to think of all that happened as a bad experience and a streak of bad luck is all I need to move past this. I no longer think of him as a normal person who came into my life to destroy my soul. I now think of him as a bad experience and not even a person anymore. We all make bad choices, but we’re all learning. Now I just need to move forward and make sure that this never happens again because what really matters is that there exists people in my life who are much more worthwhile of my thoughts and love.

Here’s to life, love, and happiness.

Rachael Yamagata

Ok, admittedly, I have developed a slight obsession with Rachael Yamagata. She’s just too good. I usually don’t even like female vocalists because they tend to be too whiny or high-pitched, but her voice is simply amazing. I love the texture of her voice, the piano-playing, the guitar-strumming, the everything…  Her voice is raspy and soulful, and I’m absolutely smitten. I’ve been playing her music nonstop since I discovered it a few weeks back, and I’ve shoved her music on to every innocent bystander, mainly my friends and roommates. So far, she’s gotten great reviews, and as she should. Every time I listen to her songs, I can’t help but sing along. It’s really a distraction more than anything when I’m trying to study. Oh well. She’s also extremely beautiful. And in all seriousness, if she wanted to have sex with me, I’d totally say yes. Not that I would know what to do, but I would definitely jump on that opportunity. I don’t know why, but her voice just reminds me of sex. Or sexiness. Or something.

Anyway… below is a music video for “Worn Me Down,” which is a little too poppy for my taste, but you can get a sense of her vocal talent through this song. I much rather prefer “Letter Read” or “I’ll Find A Way.” Though “I Want You” is pretty fun too.

Regina Spektor’s got nothing on her.

Delicate Balancing Act

I find that at times it is more difficult to maintain a single life than it is to maintain a relationship. Other times they seem like apples and oranges — each having their own difficult issues and are incomparable in many ways. However, it’s the balancing act that I can’t seem to maintain very well. While I would love to find the stability found in relationships and abandon the instability and the unknown of the single life, there’s also a part of me that’s afraid of falling into a relationship without really wanting to. I think this stems from the fact that I have a hard time saying “no” and I don’t know how to reject people’s advances. And this is all so worrisome because I am determined not to make anymore mistakes and wrong choices. And while I would love to have a normal, healthy relationship with the right person, I’m also afraid of misrepresenting the wrong person as the right person and fall into an unhealthy relationship that I did not expect, so I try to remain single for as long as possible. It’s the delicate balancing act between choosing to move forward or to step back that frustrates me.

Let’s be honest, I’m just a weak person. I’d like to think I’m strong enough to know what I want and get what I want, but when situations present themselves to me, I have a hard time being that adamant. I wind up being too nice and not knowing how to stop people before they get too far ahead of themselves, even when I know they’re up to no good. This is exactly what happened on Thursday night with a guy I met. We’ll call him Steve for now. I was with Vicky, as usual, just hanging out at the bar, and all of a sudden, this guy comes up to me and immediately installs himself into a conversation with me. He was attractive, very charismatic and funny, so I thought, “What the hell, why not?” I think I may be a sucker for sweet talkers. We ended up talking all night, mainly witty banter, randomly going to a karaoke gay bar where he sang Elvis Presley to me, and ended back in my apartment at the end of the night. We didn’t have sex or do anything more than kiss, and I gave him my number when he left. He friended me on Facebook, which I accepted. But instead of calling me the next day or two days later, he IMs me after two days and proceeds to use words like “gorgeous,” “darlin’,” and “adorable,” and saying things like, “I think you’re too intrigued by me to stop talking to me.” This thoroughly creeped me out because it sounded so much like Spencer when we first started dating — overly confident and presumptuous and dropping compliments left and right.

And this is when I wish I had an older friend who was more experienced in relationships and could tell me how the hell I’m supposed to interpret this. Am I being overly paranoid or is he just trying to charm me but in a really odd way? None of my friends are experienced enough to decipher men, whether or not they’re in relationships or have been in relationships. Not to mention so many of them have never had a real relationship before. How the hell are they supposed to tell me if a freak has presented himself to me, just the way Spencer did a year ago? And how the hell will I ever figure out when I’m being overly paranoid since I’ve been scarred by Spencer and when I’m being practical and should trust my instincts? I’ve got some pretty fucked up trust issues right now.

Whatever. I told myself I would trust my instincts, and that’s what I will do. Thank goodness it’s Thanksgiving weekend, so I won’t be seeing Steve for a while. I also blocked him on AIM. If he calls after Thanksgiving, I’ll go to dinner with him, and if he doesn’t, all the better. And if he continues this behavior, I will definitely end things. God knows I don’t need another Spencer on my hands — not now, not ever again. Sometimes I wonder if I’m really looking for a relationship because every time a potential one presents itself to me, I’m scared to death of it. I just want someone who can give me some peace of mind, not even really a relationship — is that really too much to ask??

Crazy Kooks

Recently I’ve formulated a new philosophy on life. Well, it’s more like an observation really. Basically, I find it amusing that we think everybody else is a crazy kook, but in reality, we’re all just a bunch of crazy kooks. We think other people are freaks for doing this or for doing that, or for not doing this or for not doing that, and we either try to rationalize our own crazy actions or we just ignore them completely. We go on and on about other people being freaks and doing stupid things, and we completely ignore our own freakishness and stupidity. And when it comes down to it, we all make the same stupid mistakes and crazy decisions.

I’ve been overhearing a lot of conversations mainly from my girlfriends about their guys of interest doing this or not doing that. And it’s amazing the things you hear come out of girls’ mouths. Girls are so good at rationalizing and not wanting to believe or to hear what they don’t want to hear or to believe. It is so hard for girls to detach themselves from the situation or the other person enough to see what’s really going on. For example, one of my roommates had a summer fling come to visit for a long weekend. She had sworn to herself that he was only going to be a summer fling, since he lived in another state, but he insisted on visiting her and she thought it might be fun. They’re not in a relationship, but it’s something more than friendship. I know she really likes him, and she even cried when she saw him off at the airport. And now they’ve been texting and calling each other almost everyday. Then suddenly, for a whole week, he didn’t contact her, even after she tried to contact him. A week later, he texts her saying he was really busy but asked “how are you?” This frustrated her because she said, “If you like someone, why wouldn’t you spend 5 minutes calling or texting even if you are busy?” Well, roommate, answer that question for yourself. Maybe he doesn’t like you as much as you like him. But that’s hard to believe and to swallow, so she doesn’t think like that. Instead, she questions over and over, “Why would he do this if he likes me? I know he likes me.”

My roommate’s friend then told her own story about her ex-boyfriend, before getting on a plane, saying, “I don’t think I want a girlfriend anymore.” Just out of the blue. She then questions over and over again, “Why did he say that? Is he going through some issues? Why doesn’t he want a girlfriend?” And so on and so forth. Well, answer those questions for yourself. Nobody wakes up one day and decides that they don’t want a girlfriend anymore. It’s not that simple. Something else is at work here, but you can’t think about it or even dare to think about it. It’s painful and hard to swallow to realize that it’s not that he doesn’t want a girlfriend, it’s that he doesn’t want you as a girlfriend. Don’t worry, I’ve had that one pulled on me before too, and yes, I rationalized like crazy.

And that’s my point. The answers are so clear to the bystander from an objective perspective, but when girls are in these situations, they rationalize the hell out of everything because they don’t dare to think about the plain, simple truth. Instead, they talk about how “crazy” these guys are, or what “douchebags” and “babies” they are. Well, maybe it’s time to realize that you’re just as crazy too. And all girls do this, including myself. And I know this. I rationalized the hell out of everything that happened over the summer. Even when I read the old blog posts, I can see it in plain sight. We all react this way to save ourselves from humiliation and pain. The same situations keep playing themselves out but with different actors. I’m thinking Spencer’s other girlfriend is crazy for staying with him, but in reality, she’s probably rationalizing too, just like I did, and just as any other manipulated girl would. But, whoo, she’s got A LOT of rationalizing to do.

And that’s what I meant when I wrote, “We’re all a bunch of crazy kooks” yesterday.

Pure Madness

She finally logged into her Myspace after 2 months. Still “in a relationship.”

Surprisingly enough, I don’t really feel any sympathy for her, nor am I tortured over not knowing the conclusion. The poor kid has no self-respect. Nothing anybody can do.

We’re such crazy kooks.