Cherry Garcia

I can’t believe I’ve resorted to hoarding food in my room like some antisocial fat girl in order to keep my roommate/friend from eating it. Ugh. Why can’t we just have a common understanding of “if you didn’t buy it, don’t eat it?” I had 2 pints of ice cream in the freezer (one of which was a “feel-better” gift post-break up with Spencer), and they had just been sitting there for a few weeks until one day I thought, “Hey, how ’bout some ice cream?” I open pint #1 — there are two bites left. I open pint #2 — same. Heart-broken and disappointed, I walked back to my room without fulfilling this ice cream craving. Lame? Maybe. I’m not a very self-indulgent person; I buy treats like cookies, chocolate, ice cream, etc. and keep them around for at least a month before I’m able to finish them. I eat them when I think about them, and when I get these cravings, I expect the treats to be waiting for me. When I don’t find them, I am annoyed and disappointed. I asked my roommate if she’d eaten the ice cream because she had been known to eat my food when I wasn’t around (not treats though, just regular food that I wouldn’t mind her taking once in a while), but she denied it. Although, she kept insisting to know how I felt about the ice cream for the next two days, which leads me to believe that she felt guilty so she wouldn’t drop the subject. I’m pretty sure none of my other roommates ate my food because they all have their own stash of goodies. This particular roommate also has a boyfriend who happens to be hungry always at night when nobody else is awake. So the two of them veg out on whatever they can find. Sigh. If you didn’t buy it, don’t eat it. Yesterday I bought a pack of Chips Ahoy and opened it. I ate a few cookies and put it on the pantry shelf. This afternoon, during my cookie craving, I find that almost half of the package is gone. I suspect that my hungry roommate and her hungry boyfriend have struck again, and now the Chips Ahoy live in my room. The funny thing is, I’m relatively calm about these treats having gone missing… If it was my beer, it’d be an entirely different story…

I miss my best friend from freshman year. She’s one of my roommates now, but she has a serious boyfriend with whom she spends most of her time. In the last two days, her boyfriend has been busy with various things, so she’s been around the apartment more often. With my elbow deep in thesis work, I’ve been around the apartment more too just reading and writing all day. Thus, we’ve been eating together, catching up, and even studying together last night, which is something we haven’t properly done since freshman year. And we both agreed that we needed to make more effort to spend time together since it is our last year in college, and next year, while she is most likely attending grad school up here, I’m probably moving to Brooklyn, so we will be much farther apart. I love this friend so much. She has always been there for me, although less in the last few months due to her relationship. But when she wasn’t in a relationship, and we were just growing into the people we are today since freshman year, we went through thick and thin together. We talked until dawn on so many nights instead of doing work. Throughout college, she has been the one to give me the most emotional and physical support that I’ve needed to grow up from a little girl to an adult (wait, I’m not an adult yet). I’ve been to her home in Florida on more than one occasion, and I love her family to death. They’ve always treated me as if I was family. She has introduced me to so many new things, like new music and how to cook. Whenever I’m going through some sort of personal crisis, she’s the only person who can calm me down and help me go to sleep at night. She’s the only person who knows how to deal with me when I’m having a mood swing or a bad day. She’s the only person who doesn’t take bullshit from me. I love her so much, and I’m going to miss her so much. I already miss her since she’s been spending so much time with her boyfriend… I want to make sure that I make the most of this year with her.

Now back to writing my thesis…

Sweetest Downfall

I’m not sure I understand what people see in Regina Spektor. I’ve heard two songs, including “Samson,” and her voice annoys the hell out of me and her lyrics are ridiculous. I mean, come on, who puts the words “Wonder bread” into a song that’s not meant to be a commercial jingle? Something about the texture of her voice just rubs me the wrong way. Or…. maybe I’m just annoyed by her on a completely different level… I found the MySpace of Spencer’s “other girlfriend” a couple of weeks ago, and the embedded music on her profile is “Samson.” I have nothing against this girl, but the lyrics in that song make everything that’s happened in the last year extremely eerie.

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first

Probably true. She met him before I met him. He probably also broke her heart after the truth I told her a few weeks back.

Samson came to my bed
Told me that my hair was red
Told me I was beautiful and came into my bed

Yes, he slept in her bed. He went to see her on the weekends when I was preoccupied, or just flat out told me he couldn’t hang out because he was “studying for the Bar exam.” Yes, her hair is red, at least from what I can tell in her MySpace picture. It’s dyed red though, like one of those metallic reds that brunettes really like. Yes, he definitely told her she was beautiful and went into her bed, just like he did with me. “Beautiful” was his favorite adjective; it was one of his manipulative words that was supposed to make you feel like you were the only one for him.

I cut his hair myself one night
A pair of dull scissors and the yellow light
He told me that I’d done alright
and kissed me till the morning light the morning light

Haha, I wouldn’t be surprised if this scenario actually happened at some point. He had some pretty hideous haircuts, which he claimed he got from the corner barber. Well, this part of the lyrics is just humorous for me. Nothing too creepy about it.

I’m sure she had him in mind when she chose this song to embed on her MySpace profile. Don’t we all have someone in mind when we try to personalize things like MySpace? And I’m sure she thought about him every time this song played on her iPod. Sigh. Spencer, you had such a hold on the both of us. How did you do it? I hope I never see you again, or meet anyone like you again for the rest of my life. I was a fool. I admit it.

How Can I Tell You

This is one of those really cheesy commercials that I have to quietly admit that I love. It’s that commercial where the guy quietly slips a diamond necklace on to his sleeping wife and then pretends to be asleep when she finds it. I love the song in this commercial too. I think it’s a combination of the lyrics and the commercial that really melts my heart. It’s just a really beautiful scene, and every time the commercial ends, I find myself smiling like a smitten little girl. It’s really corny. In any case, the commercial does give me hope for my next love. I guess after the mess that was Spencer and to some extent Dylan, I’m hoping that the next one will bring the romance and charm back into my life. And it’s little acts, like the one in this commercial, that really make relationships so desirable. I would throw away my entire single life to just have something like this. I really would. I don’t care what people say about the single life being the best way to live — I would choose a caring, loving relationship over a casual fling any day.

3 Years and Counting

I have to solemnly declare my love for New York. We’ve had our share of differences and ups and downs, that’s for sure, but at the end of the day, I love New York. I can’t imagine being anywhere else in the near future other than this vibrant, exhilarating city. I moved from a predominantly white town out West, and I have never regretted entering this other world. I can’t think of a city that is more diverse, colorful, and so full of opportunities for a college student. To come here for college has been the best decision I’ve ever made. It also helps that I love my college and the people I’ve met here. It makes the experience that much more meaningful. I’ve only lived here for about 3 years, but I have come to call this place my home. Whenever I go home for holidays, I think of myself as traveling out of the city, not going home. And I love that.

I love how comfortable I’ve come to feel in this city. It hasn’t always been like this. I have a theory for people who come to New York. My theory is that non-New Yorkers who strive to become New Yorkers have 3 phases that they go through…

The first phase usually consists of something like being star-struck. The bright lights, the subway, and the bars and shops are what people are most excited about. They name drop like crazy — “I went shopping in SoHo this weekend” or “Oh my God, I was in Greenwich Village this weekend at this cafe…” (By the way, nobody calls it “Greenwich Village” except for tourists.) These people are excited and love everything about New York and generally take a very romantic view of the city. They’re cute until they think that everything that happened in “Sex and the City” actually happens on a daily basis in Manhattan and that women like Carrie and Miranda actually exist. (Actually, women like Miranda are probably pretty common in Manhattan.)

The second phase is usually very cynical and depressing. This usually happens when the first phase starts to wear off and these people start to realize that New York is actually a very ugly but real place. It is filled with garbage, homeless people, and human indignity on many levels. People are rude and pushy. Subways are smelly and unclean. Crazy people are everywhere. Rich people are everywhere and make you feel inferior with their penthouses and Jaguars. You don’t actually have all that much time to explore the city because subway rides alone take up so much time. Taxis are expensive. Food is expensive. Clothing is expensive. Everything is expensive. Everything is also tiny. Tiny apartments. Tiny streets. Tiny stores. You start to resent having to share this tiny island with 8 million other people, and you start to see the socio-economic inequalities that persist everywhere in this city. Soon you become depressed in this concrete jungle, and you think back to your life before you ever entered it. Lawns and white picket fences. Cars. One stop shopping. Smiling neighbors. You start to dread having to leave your apartment for anything from groceries to a night at a bar. You can’t imagine living here for longer than you really need to.

The third phase is a phase of really settling in. You start to understand that this city is as real as you’re ever going to get anywhere else in the world. You start to realize that this city has more to offer than any other city in the world in terms of nightlife, culture, food, diversity, and people. You start to appreciate New York for what it is — a place with good and bad. You accept the socio-economic inequalities and try to help out whenever you feel it’s appropriate but you also understand that it’s not something that the city can ever fix. It will always be there, and that’s the beauty of the city. You start to find your own identity in the city. Your own neighborhood. Your own bars, cafés, and restaurants. You no longer name drop because you know that whoever you’re talking to is going to know where you’re talking about, and even if you do mention the name, they know you’re not name dropping — you’re just telling them where you’ve been. You start to realize that the city is full of possibilities and try to find ways to embrace them. You’re eager to find out more about the city than you ever did before even as a blooming New Yorker and as a tourist. You’re not quite a New Yorker yet, and you know this, but you could see yourself living here for the next 5-10 years and eventually becoming one.

I am currently enjoying this third phase. Everyone grows out of the first phase, usually within a year to a year and half. Some people never grow out of the second phase to reach the third phase. But a good amount of people do eventually reach the third phase, and that’s when they can really start to love New York for everything it is — the good, the bad, and the ugly. Because really, that’s what this city’s about. It’s about everything.

I love you, New York.

Trying something new.

I’m not sure if this is anything that much newer than what I had in mind before everything that’s happened in the last year. I’m pretty sure that during this time last year, I had a pretty similar outlook on relationships and dating… which was really to just take everything as it came. Having no expectations, I would just enjoy every moment and every person within that moment. And if anything happened to develop, then great, and if not, then whatever. I’ve always thought that I was too young to have a serious relationship. But there’s also another side to that… I’m too young to have a serious relationship UNTIL I find someone who’s worthy of a serious relationship. I don’t think I was ever sure if Spencer was worthy of a serious relationship, but his relentless pursuit eventually softened my heart and I gave in. That was my biggest mistake throughout the whole thing, but now I know better. I won’t be pressured into anything anymore. From now on, all feelings and all commitments will be on my terms. If I don’t feel anything, then I will simply leave. There will no longer be any sympathy and guilt of wanting to stay because the other person seems nice or seems harmless. Nope. I know I’m young, but I also know that my life is too short to waste on feeling guilty or sympathetic to someone that I’m not interested in pursuing in the long term.

It’s not like I enjoy all of these casual flings and bar night shenanigans. I think I try to play it off like I’m enjoying the single life, and maybe I do on a certain level, but of course there exists a part of me who would love to have a serious, long-term relationship that may eventually lead to marriage. And maybe I am pretty commitment-phobic right now and will be for the next couple of years, but I know that in my heart of hearts, if I met someone special, I would recognize it and embrace it. I won’t be commitment-phobic forever, and there is no time-line for this. It’s really a concept of commitment-phobia until I meet the right person, which leaves me with a pretty open field and many possibilities.

Having said all of this, it’s definitely getting harder and harder to be single, I feel, even though we are still so young. I feel as if I’m losing more and more of my friends to relationships and marriage (well, only one to marriage). I have more attached friends than single ones, and it makes it hard to plan outings of single fun. It’s frustrating and sad at the same time. I feel that we are too young to be so involved in another person, but at the same time, I am happy that they found someone to be with. It certainly leads to a lot of conflicting feelings though.

I am looking forward to life after college, no matter how daunting it seems. Ideally, I’d like to move to Brooklyn and work in midtown/downtown Manhattan. I like Brooklyn because it’s almost like a subculture in New York and I’d like to spend some time there to experience it. Also, it’s close to midtown and downtown Manhattan, which is where I’d like to spend my time at work and after work for fun. I’m a little afraid of the forbidding of inter-office romances though because it seems that a workplace would be a nice place to meet people, but I can also understand how complicated that would make things. This really leaves only the weekends to meet people, which would the single life that much harder. Well, it’s not like I meet people in classes right now anyway, so I guess it wouldn’t be that different. I guess the thought of “real-life dating” just seems really foreign and daunting to me. I’m not sure what to expect.