Afterthoughts of a Broken Heart

My concert date with Dylan went as perfect as any date could ever go. We both thoroughly enjoyed ourselves and bonded over good music, good beer, and ping pong for almost 12 hours. By the end of the night, we were exhausted but satisfied and content. I enjoy his company and have to admit that I get butterflies in my stomach every time I think about him or touch him. I find him incredibly attractive, funny, and insightful. Things are going smoothly and I hope they continue to.

At the same time, my heart is still healing from the aftermath of Spencer. Part of me is wondering if it’s ever a good idea to embark on another potential relationship so soon after the breakdown of a previous one. In a moment of panic after not having heard from Dylan for almost a week and convinced that he was no longer interested, I text messaged Spencer almost in a way that was tortuous for both of us. I again said some semi-harsh things to him trying to provoke him to speak to me again, after more than 2 weeks of no contact. It was so incredibly bad of me, but I guess my insecurities came out and I took them out on him — again. For some reason, I was convinced that he was doing fine without me and enjoying his new life as a corporate lawyer earning 6 figures and eating steak dinners every night. I was convinced that he and his playboy roommate were going out on the weekends and picking up and bringing home money and sex-hungry girls. Again, I have no idea how true any of these scenarios are, but I wouldn’t rule them out. He texted back and said he was miserable and crying all the time and he swore he wasn’t trying to put me behind him or forget about me. I felt awful afterwards for taking out my own insecurities about Dylan on him.

I don’t know what it is about Spencer that brings out this evil in me. I don’t know why I still feel incredible attachment to him either. I feel like I still love him. Maybe I’m not in love with him, but I still feel an incredible love towards him as a human being and as a friend. And maybe in a way, I’m still experiencing a great deal of guilt in how I treated him and how I think of him even now. I realize that not everything that happened in our relationship was my fault, but I can’t help but think that I did more harm than anything else. It’s just hard to cope with knowing that I may have damaged his already fragile self-esteem to the point that it’s irreparable. I suppose I may never know just how much damage I did to him and just how much damage he did to me, but a part of me will always be sorry for the way I treated him. I know his intentions are genuine and he means no harm, but I just couldn’t take being pushed away from his life and not being able to ever trust him.

On the other hand, I now wonder how much of how I felt or reacted towards him was really a result of his actions towards me and how much was innate for me? Will I always react in a certain way to men, no matter who they are or how they are to me? How many of these issues are deep-set and innate and how many are necessarily caused by him? Even when I was with Dylan last night I caught myself saying the same semi-condescending comments towards him as I did with Spencer. Albeit they were jokes, but that’s how they started with Spencer too. As I grew to know Spencer more, the jokes became insults and put-downs. And I’m so afraid that the same thing will happen again. Last night I caught myself several times and even had to hold my tongue on a few occasions. It frightens me how negative I can be towards men, no matter who they are apparently. And now I look back thinking how much was really Spencer’s doing and how much was really just my own issues and insecurities.

I have to work on this before I hurt anybody else again and before I get hurt from my own actions and words. I have to.

Beginning a New Chapter

Spencer and I have not spoken for a whole week. I experienced a moment of weakness on Monday and made a last desperate attempt to win Spencer back. He replied in text message saying that after what had happened in the last week there was no way we would get back together any time soon, and that we needed time apart. That was the final closure I needed — to know that the relationship was over for good and was beyond salvage. After six weeks of tug-of-war, the relationship was over. I was depressed for a few days after, but then I realized I needed to pick up whatever was left of me off the floor and start again. Today, I’ve had 3 dates so far with 3 different men, but only one has truly stood out to me. Here is the story:

On Thursday, I went to a neighborhood bar with some friends looking for a good time and some good beer. But before we left, we made a wager to see who could give out the most numbers for that night. I had fully intended on honoring this wager, so I tried to see if there were good prospects at the bar. At first I was actually pretty disappointed at the selection of men in the bar, but then I noticed next to our table a very attractive and friendly-looking guy. He had a nice smile and beautiful eyes. So with my newly recovered confidence, I decided to be more flirtatious. I made eye contact with him and smiled at him for half an hour, and he reciprocated. Then he disappeared for a half hour, during which time I was convinced he had left the bar. Fortunately, he reappeared and stood next to the bathroom, where my friends were waiting for their turn, and they began to talk. And that is when I took advantage of the opportunity and went over to talk to him. We ended up talking for 2 hours, and I gave him my number. The next day I waited for his call with excitement and anticipation until he finally called at around 10:30pm. He invited me out for a late night coffee, and we again talked for 2 hours. He walked me home, and in the process, surprised me with a very nice kiss in the middle of Broadway. I was very caught off-guard because I had been so conditioned by Spencer not to expect public displays of affection. I liked it though. Very much. He has invited me out to a concert on Thursday night, so we will see how everything goes. He is a graduate student and plays the guitar. I found his myspace, and his voice is absolutely beautiful and so incredibly sexy. I have high hopes for this guy, but at the same time, I realize I need to be careful and not expect too much too soon. So, time will tell.

Oh, his name is Dylan. Here’s to a new chapter in my love life.

Love is such a peculiar thing. We date people and try them on like different outfits. Some fit and others don’t. And we just hope that the next outfit will be the one that will last forever. I have to admit that when I look at Dylan, I hope to god that I don’t make the same mistakes with him as I did with Spencer and don’t end up hurting Dylan like I did Spencer. I think my relationship with Spencer has taught me a lot about myself and the negative aspects that I’d like to correct for my next relationship. If I’m given the opportunity to start a relationship with Dylan, I am going to try my very best not to repeat my mistakes. But at the same time, I hope that Dylan will be everything, or at least almost everything, opposite of Spencer.

Lesson #49203921

So a month has passed since I last updated. Spencer and I maintained an amicable friendship until the situation evolved into a confusing state of “maybe we’re back together and could try this again.” I was barely at his apartment for an hour before he told me that he couldn’t be in a relationship with me right now. That he loved me and wanted to be with me, but he just couldn’t be in a relationship right now. I was furious. Why couldn’t he have told me this earlier instead of stringing me along for the last six weeks? Well, he was probably confused too. Nevertheless, I stormed out of his apartment with my belongings. I left him on the street after hearing, “I just can’t be with you for the next two weeks.” And I said, “Then don’t ever be with me!” For the next two weeks, I texted him nasty messages and basically destroyed what little self-esteem and hope he had left for us. The third day I started to feel like shit. Not only because I had said so many degrading things to him but because I realized that I had lost him forever. And I started to think of all the things I wish I’d said to him or done for him. I was hoping that when he came back, we could give the relationship a second chance and I could fix whatever I could before we broke up for good. I wanted to salvage whatever was left, but his decision to end the relationship seemed so absolute, like there was no room for me to do anything. And it hurt like hell for the next two days.

I texted him asking him all sorts of questions until it occurred to me that when he said he still loved me, he might not have meant that he was still IN love with me. And so I asked him if he was still in love with me, and he said he wasn’t sure. So I asked him if he thought he could ever fall back in love with me, and he said he wasn’t sure but he’d like to. And that really was the cherry on top of this breakup sundae. If I’d known that he wasn’t in love with me anymore, maybe I wouldn’t have been so confused the last six weeks or held out so much hope for us. And so I realized that my heart had been broken by the very man who promised he wouldn’t break my heart.

The world seems like a different place after your heart has been broken. I seriously believe that you haven’t truly lived until your heart has been broken. It really puts a lot of things into perspective. I wrote Spencer this long e-mail on Friday, which was probably my worst day, and thanked him for being a loving and caring boyfriend while I was in Europe. I apologized for my mistakes and for being a difficult person to deal with over the summer. I said that I hoped he would somehow fall back in love with me some day and that I could get another chance to show him how much he meant to me.

He hasn’t replied, although I received a text from him last night that he would reply this week. He was still very much in pain it seemed.

I don’t know how we got to this point. I think this relationship was just one big misunderstanding and miscommunication. I think maybe if we had tried to be more loving towards one another and communicated our feelings, needs, and wants to one another, we would’ve been more than happy to oblige them for each other. We would’ve done anything for each other, so how did we get here?

Well, it doesn’t matter now anyway. He doesn’t love me anymore, so there is nothing left to salvage from the leftover pieces of this relationship. He doesn’t love me anymore.