Lesson #1

It suddenly occurred to me that I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my relationship with Spencer. Although I previously acknowledged my faults, I don’t think I recognized them specifically. I began a discussion with someone online about Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, which Spencer has devoted most of his life to and was very passionate about, but I realized that I had no idea what it was really about. He tried on more than one occasion to teach me a thing or two about it, show me video clips of matches, tell me about the history, but always I would brush them off and make light of the sport (e.g. calling it “wrestling with other men”). And I never really learned as much as I could about the subject. I would zone out whenever he would try to tell me something. I mean, Spencer was really passionate about the sport — he even had a tattoo of the most famous organization! And even what the tattoo symbolizes, I’m not even sure. And I remember on one occasion when he was trying to show me music clips of Johnny Cash performances, who is his favorite singer of all time, and I remember showing very little interest. And afterwards, when we were about to have sex, his roommate and friends came home and we couldn’t and ended up going to bed early. Then afterwards I became very antsy and upset that we couldn’t have had sex BEFORE watching the Johnny Cash videos. All these reactions were so unfair to Spencer. No wonder he could never open up to me — every time he tried, I wouldn’t let him or wouldn’t show the least bit interest in letting him. It was always about ME and MY interests. How unfair for him. And I made it seem as though my interests were more interesting or superior to his, which probably made him even more self-conscious around me and increased his tendency to try to impress me at all times.

So this is the first realization of many of my mistakes in this relationship. I will probably think of more in the coming days.

Recovery Process

Needless to say, I miss Spencer. A lot. When you break up with someone, it’s like you’re losing a part of your life, because think of all the time that you spend with that person, thinking about that person, and talking to that person. Percentage-wise, I think he took up maybe 70% of my life. And now I’ve just lost that 70% of my life. I have no trouble filling that space, but I do feel like I’m mourning for that old 70%. I miss him but I know that this is the best solution. This really is for the best. There is no possibility of us getting back together because his recovery process will take perhaps years, and by then I will probably have found someone who I love 10x more. And he will reach a stage in his life where he is finally comfortable with himself and he will find someone much more compatible with, and he will marry her. Call this a crazy prediction, but I think he’s going to marry the next girl he dates, whenever he starts dating again.

I have began my search for someone new in my life, either short term or long term. I know that with time, I will move on from Spencer and by finding someone else, it will the process easier and faster. The next man I love, I will love him 10x more. I know it. I know I have the potential to love greatly and passionately, and Spencer never gave me a chance to do that. His passion and his love was not exactly the healthiest type either, but I think one day he’ll find the good balance and shower the girl he loves with all his love. I think he is capable of such great things and of being such a great man. Whoever marries him is going to be so lucky. I know that with time, he will become a great husband and wonderful and caring father. In a way, I’m sorry that I didn’t meet him when he was this great person, but then I think, well, it wasn’t meant to be, and I’ll eventually find someone who IS this great person. Neither of us is a bad person, but it just wasn’t meant to be. And I think deep down I knew that from the beginning.

Moratorium

Since we last left off, I had decided to end things with Spencer and give him the time and space that he needed to get himself back on track in life. We had also agreed to remain friends. This, however, did not work out. In the last 2 weeks, we’ve exchanged texts and e-mails both acknowledging that the relationship was over and that we both needed to improve ourselves before we could come back and try again. We also told each other that we loved each other and still wanted to be together — all while remaining friends. Bad idea. Because we had never taken a chunk of time to heal and to move on from the relationship, it was impossible for us to be friends. We couldn’t move from being lovers to friends overnight, and that’s understandable. I still had very strong feelings for him, which I expressed to him in a drunken string of texts a few nights ago. He was receptive and said he understood but needed time for himself to get better before we could try again. But in the mean time, he refused to discuss any of the issues with me regarding the downfall of our relationship. I needed answers and to know what he was thinking before I could start the healing process and move on. He couldn’t give them to me and avoided the issues to avoid getting hurt. He said he didn’t know what the answers until he got through therapy. But eventually, over the course of the conversation, I realized that it wasn’t that he needed therapy, it was that we were simply too incompatible to ever work — even with the therapy. We had different ways of handling conflicts and resolutions.

Finally, we fought our last fight yesterday afternoon. Our conversations had fallen into the old pattern of fighting and insulting and hurting that finally I decided that we couldn’t be friends if we still had feelings for one another. He, on the other hand, was hoping that I would still be in his life and be his friend while he figured things out for himself and then if I was still available when he healed, we could try again — all while ignoring and avoiding the pre-existing issues for which I resented him. And I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t pretend like everything was ok and that we were just friends now. So I told him that I couldn’t be friends with him anymore because I needed to move on and get over him. And he said ok because he had no other choice really. He said he was also tired of the fighting and he knew that we’d been falling apart since before he’d left the city 3 weeks ago. And I said I don’t think he could ever give me the emotional support that I needed and that we were ultimately looking for very different things in a relationship. And this relationship could never work in the long run. And finally, when I said all that, and he said all that, I realized it was really over. I realized that we were just too incompatible, with or without each other’s personal hang ups or issues. We just couldn’t agree on what the next step was or how we were going to get there as a team. He didn’t want to be on a team, he told me. He said, “I don’t need any support.” And I realized then that I could never be a part of his life the way I’d yearned to in the last few months.

So, I deleted him from my phone, contacts, chat list, facebook, and everything else digital that I figured I would bump into him again. I still need to pick up my belongings from his apartment, but that won’t be for another 3 weeks, so we’ll see about that. And I can’t remember his number from the top of my head, so there won’t be the danger of drunk dialing or texting him. Ever. I need this moratorium period to get over him for good this time. I need to move on and find someone who can give what I need and provide me with the support in life that I need. And someone who I would love to do the same for. And so does he.

All You Need is Love Is a Lie

I’ve learned from my first love my first lesson on love — love is NOT all you need. Of course I still have very strong feelings for Spencer. I still love him, and he knows this. I still think he is amazing and incredibly kind, but he has so many deep seated issues that it holds him back from being the amazing person he could be. I think that’s the saddest part about all of this. He is really a good person with good intentions in life, but his personal hang ups and insecurities have eaten him from the inside out that it clouds his judgment on himself and the world around him. And I know he still loves me. He finally opened up a little bit tonight when he realized that I wasn’t making empty threats to him and that I’d given up on him and the relationship. I offered to be friends with him still, and he accepted and said that I meant so much to him. He again offered to see a therapist, which was something he had mentioned during our last explosive fight but then ended up rejecting because the thought of seeing one probably made him feel vulnerable and weak. (He then created a defense mechanism by saying I needed to see a therapist.) Knowing his fragile ego, I tried my best to make him feel like this was the best option for the both of us and that we both had a hand in the downfall of the relationship. I told him maybe we could try again at a later day when we had both figured ourselves out more and could agree on what we wanted a relationship. I told him we both deserved better and to be happy. He opened up a little bit and I could tell he was very hurt, but I also knew he wanted to avoid the subject because of the pain it would cause him. And that’s very counterproductive, but if that’s the way he wanted to deal with the issue, then so be it. My decision had been made and he knew it. I just figured that his ego was so bruised even before I’d met him that saying anything else would only confirm his own insecurities and would be counterintuitive to his eventual epiphany, if he ever has it.

So I finally learned today that John Lennon lied; love is not all that you need. Sometimes you can love someone so much that letting him go is the best thing you can do for him. And love doesn’t fix everything. It can’t make two people work out if their differences are so great and so deep that they would eventually destroy the relationship regardless. Love is a peculiar thing. Sometimes you can love someone so much but reality still exists; you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped or refuses to recognize that there is a problem. Sometimes the best thing you can do for them is to just let them go and hope that one day they can figure it out themselves.

I guess part of me hopes that one day he will figure it out and we could try again. It’s not completely ruled out and it’s not impossible, but it’s close to impossible. If it happens again, then it happens. But if it doesn’t, then it’s for the best. For the both of us.

The Limbo Experience

So, as I’ve heard, in every break up and potential break up, there is always that little drop of “what if?” Spencer is getting surgery tomorrow, so I doubt he will be flying back any time soon. Probably won’t see him for at least another week. And you know what? I’m ok with that. I think it’ll be good for us, and it’ll be good for me. I can concentrate on my own things and just get back in touch with myself, which is what I’ve desperately needed in the last couple of months. I told him he should just stay there with his friends and family, implying that he shouldn’t rush back. I have a feeling he won’t be rushing back. Why rush back to an ugly confrontation when you could sit comfortably at home with your mother feeding you ice cream? If I know his cowardly ways, that is exactly what he will do. When he comes back in 2+ weeks, I think I will have cooled off and probably moved on. By then, no real discussion will be necessary save scheduling a good time for me to pick up my belongings from his apartment. This might be a better excuse to break things off rather than during a heated argument when our emotions are interfering with our abilities to process logic and be realistic.

So the limbo. I keep going back and forth on whether I want this to work out. For me, it seems that he doesn’t really want to work on it anymore and he’s probably at his wit’s end too. I have a feeling that he knows it won’t work either. And you know, when we have that discussion, if we do, I’m prepared to hear him say that he doesn’t want to work it out. I really am. Because I don’t want to either. And at one point I think I wanted him to be more desperate about this than I am, you know, to feel like I have the advantage, but I’m seriously so emotionally and physically exhausted that I don’t even care anymore. I just want this stress to go away so that I can refocus on my own life and happiness. He can think that I’m the one who gave up and he can try to make me feel guilty, but I know the truth. Things aren’t working out and they probably never will. So the question is, should we quit sooner or later? I vote sooner. I don’t think he understands the pain and stress he’s put me through in the last couple of days, and I don’t know if he’ll ever know the sort of distress he causes the people who love him. One day he’ll figure it out, but I don’t believe it will be any time soon. I know that his heart is in the right place, and he loves me and wants this to work in terms of not wanting to give up, but the fact remains that we have fundamental differences and deep needs that can’t be satisfied by the other person. And I’m ok with those terms. It’s time for us to move on and keep searching the world for what we originally came to search for. There’s no reason why this vicious cycle should keep repeating if both of us are miserable and don’t really see a way out.

I hope he agrees with me. It will make the process quicker and perhaps less painful. Maybe not less painful but definitely quicker. I just don’t want this to be a rope-pull competition. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Stay. Ok go. No stay. Ok fine go. No stay. Ok go. That would just prolong this tenfold and make it harder and harder to say goodbye each time even when we both know or one of us knows that the right answer is to say goodbye. I’m ready to just give up and find something else. Someone else that deserves my attention and all of my heart and soul. Someone who won’t be scared to share with me and to let me share with him everything in our lives. Someone who’s not afraid to show that he can be vulnerable too, because we’re human; we’re supposed to be vulnerable. Someone who is comfortable with himself that he doesn’t feel like he needs to continuously prove himself to himself and to other people. Someone who is comfortable with being a part of a team and contributing to it in mind and spirit. Someone who can be emotionally supportive of me and understand that if you care about someone, even during difficult times, you have to show and let them know that you care. Someone who knows how to show his feelings as to not drive the other person insane with uncertainty and emptiness. Someone who can bring out the best in me and know how to calm me down when the worst in me comes out. Someone who’s ready to be in a relationship. That’s what I deserve.

Life is too short to go back and forth. The answer is simple and it’s right in front of me — my happiness. Who can secure my happiness except for me? I have to depend on myself and trust my own judgment. It’s going to take courage to do this, and it will teach me a valuable lesson, but I’m going to do it. It’s time to end this.