Dear friend,
You ended your life so abruptly and with no explanation. I know we have been out of touch for many years, and the only contact we’ve had is thanks to the Internet, and even that was more than a year ago. But friend, I haven’t forgotten about you, and I never will. I will probably never fully understand why you did what you did and what was going through your mind and your life up to the second you did what you did, but God forbid I ever forget what you did.
I remember you in the 4th and the 5th grade. You were always so friendly and liked by everyone. We didn’t hang with the same crowd, but we were still friends. That’s what I liked about you. You didn’t see the world through exclusive circles. Remember how much we hated Andrew? I remember the days when we used to hang out together after high school and take our tennis lessons together. Our parents and your grandparents would take turns driving us from school to the tennis center and back to our homes. I saw you move from one boyfriend to the next, and it was a habit you never seemed to get out of. But I enjoyed listening to your relationship stories to make up for the lack of my own. You were always so friendly, funny, and so fun to be with. I’ll always remember you for that. Not the drugs, the dramatic weight loss, the multiple boyfriends, and your persistent sadness after high school, which sadly, led you to the end. No. I’ll remember you for the fun in your eyes and the life in your soul when we were only 14 years old. Everything after that was a blur and the steady disintegration of our friendship.
As I sit here trying to make sense of what happened to you, I keep getting random flashbacks of our interactions together. I’ve known you since we were 8 years old. I never thought you would do this. I know you had a hard life, but I guess I just figured you would sort it out eventually and make the best of what’s around. I never thought you would simply give up. I wish you hadn’t. I wish you’d kept fighting for what was yours. I have to admit that the news of your death was a shock completely unexpected. And I won’t be over it for a while. I’m sure if I could find the class book we made in the 5th grade, and read your entry, I would feel so much sadder right now. When you ended your life, friend, you ended your dreams. To think that you and I had spent some of our happier and sadder days together in high school and to think that now you are gone forever just render me speechless. What happened, friend? You were so full of life and so full of fun. I could’ve sworn you had enough willpower to pull yourself out of whatever it was you were in after high school. You just needed more time. I wish you’d given yourself the time to do so. I really do. I hate that you gave up. I really do. I wish you hadn’t. But it’s too late now. Hopefully you’re in a better place now. I hope you’re not feeling anymore pain. I’m sorry it had to come to this. I really am.
I hope the other side is treating you better than this side ever did. Good bye, friend, good bye. I love you.
Your friend,
Lilly
