No more cheating.

I vow to never cheat again. On Spencer. On anyone else. It is a selfish act and I would never want someone to cheat on me. Therefore, I have learned from my mistakes and I vow never to cheat again. Never. Again.

Jesus, I am fucked up. Fucked up.

Incapable of being faithful?

I am honestly starting to think that I am incapable of being faithful in this relationship. I’m not sure if I’m just not capable of being faithful in any relationship, or just this one, but I know that I have been unfaithful on 2 separate occasions. Maybe it’s also because I’m studying abroad, so I think the rules are more flexible, but that still does not excuse me as a person. It is still a poor reflection of my character and the epitome of my selfishness. Am I seriously that insensitive to the principles of being someone’s girlfriend? Let alone a girlfriend who has already solemnly declared her love for her boyfriend? I love Spencer, I really do, but why is it that each time I have more than a couple of drinks and a guy hits on me, I decide to answer positively? Last night didn’t amount to anything more than feeling body parts and making out, which is better than last time, which amounted to full out sex, but it doesn’t make it any better. And I remember that I kept thinking, even as I came home and put myself to sleep, that this guy was a much better kisser than Spencer and the way he touched me made me feel wanted. He squeezed me and held me in all the right places. With Spencer, it’s almost like he’s too busy worrying about being a gentleman and if I’m ok with what he’s doing, that he’s afraid to squeeze me and help me feel his grip on my body. But that’s exactly what I want. I want to feel and to know how much he wants me. No matter how many hints I keep dropping, I seem to get nowhere in this department. Each time we kiss or have sex, I am always the first one to make the move — with or without alcohol! When I’m on top of him, I rarely if ever feel his hands squeeze my body as if he wants me so bad he can’t help himself. And really, that’s what I love to feel — wanted. I don’t know how to interpret my behavior, but I do feel sufficiently ashamed. And yet, I keep telling myself that I’m young and I need to live. I hope that this is a phase that I’m going through only because I’m trying to make the best of my experience abroad and that it doesn’t repeat itself once I am in NY. Because if it does, then I seriously need to re-evaluate this relationship and myself. What is it about Spencer that makes the thrill of the chase of other men still desirable? Why can’t he completely satisfy these urges of mine? I am so afraid taht once he starts working, he will have less time for me and that these urges will come back full speed. If so, I will have to break up with him. I am obviously not right for him or for this relationship. He deserves someone sweet, kind, loving, and faithful towards him. Not someone who throws her morals out the window for a quick make out session.