I am in France studying abroad. Spencer and I are still together, and I feel more and more strongly for him everyday. Especially since I have been rather homesick in the last few weeks. In fact, we had a conversation less than two weeks ago that I think cleared up a lot of ambiguity in our relationship and therefore made our bond that much stronger. Before I left, he had told me that he wouldn’t get mad if I got with anyone else while in France but that he himself would not be getting with anyone. When I didn’t hear from him in 3 days because his phone was stolen, I panicked. That’s when I knew how big a part of my life he had become. When he finally got online and we spoke, he apologized and promised me that he would never pull something that Ethan did before we broke up. And I asked him why he was so ok with my hooking up with other people, and he finally told me that he wasn’t. That he was terrified that I would end up sleeping with someone else. And one of the most sincere comments he made was that he couldn’t dictate to me what I should do but that he just hoped that I had a good enough time with him and that I liked him enough to wait a while and give him a chance. He said he definitely wanted to give us a chance after I got back from France. The sort of honesty and vulnerability that he gave away in that conversation overall just made my feelings for him so much stronger.
The type of sincerity and honesty that I feel from Spencer is nothing else I’ve ever experienced from any other person in my life. Granted he is only my second boyfriend, but I feel like the emotions that we have for one another is something that is rare to come by in this twisted, confusing and fucked up world. A lot of people can go through tons of relationships but never feel fully connected to the other person and they could fool themselves into thinking that they do have this connection. But when they find out they don’t, they end up breaking up and then moving on to the next person only to do the same thing again. But with Spencer, I feel that we connect better than any other couple I have ever spoken to. We have been together for four months now and have yet to be in a fight, or even any sort of serious disagreements. Even though we’re an ocean apart, when we talk online, we can still hold a lively conversation for more than 2 hours. We’re crazy about each other both physically and mentally.
I’ll be the first to admit that there is something here really special that even my inexperienced ass knows that I have to hold on to this. I know now more than before that I don’t want to jeopardize this because this could be the real thing. And while I’m not thinking about anything too serious, like marriage, I definitely think that this relationship has room to grow into something long term and prosperous. That feeling fills me with happiness and hope, and it gives me something to look forward to everyday when I wake up. It’s been a long time, or you could say it’s never even been, since someone has made me feel this way about life. When I think of him, I think about the ways he makes me feel good inside, the ways he completes me, the ways he makes up for what I lack, and the way he has always been a great confidante to me. And nobody in my entire life has ever fulfilled this role better than he has. He makes me happier than anybody else in my life right now. It doesn’t drive me nuts that we can’t see each other, but if I don’t talk to him for a day, I definitely am affected by it. I think about him a lot during the day and I keep thinking about the things I want to do with him when I get back. It’s a great feeling to know that somebody cares about you a lot, and it’s an even greater feeling to know that you want to do the same for him as well.
Before I was afraid of the word “relationship”, but now I am fully ready to embrace it and to enjoy all the great things that come with this label.
