Recent developments

Wow, how things have changed in the last 12 days since the previous entry. Well, first off, yes, he did call. Second of all, since then, we have spent a significant amount of time together. With the circumstances surrounding what had happened with Ethan a year ago, I suppose I am still wary and unsure of what I should expect from men — suitors in particular. And yet, with Spencer, it seems so different this time. And perhaps it is. And if anything, he should be wary of me. But he isn’t; he appears to giving 100% to me even though he knows that I will gone in the Spring and probably the Summer. He showers me with compliments, kisses, and gifts, and he is not afraid to say what he feels. And yet, with me, I am afraid to make those statements so early on in our knowing of one another. It has really been less than 2 weeks, and I am wondering, “Is it really possible to feel this strongly about another person within this time period?” Sometimes I think that all this thinking is dumb, and I should take him for what he is and appreciate him for his actions, words, and feelings. But another part of me is wondering how he could feel this way so soon and whether it is genuine. He seems to find this relationship meaningful and deep; whereas I figured it would be a nice experience before leaving for France in the Spring. And in a way, I feel that he suspects this. He has definitely postponed sex even though he knows that I want it and that he could easily get it. I think he wants to build it up to somehting more special and doesn’t want me to simply “use him for sex”, roughly speaking. It is a sweet thought, and if this is true, then I feel somewhat like a slut. He is a wonderful guy, and I’m afraid that I might hurt him, but even more so, I’m afraid I might get hurt.

I guess, stay tuned for more.

The Waiting Game

Why do we do this to ourselves? Romantic relationships are by far the most mysterious yet addicting games that human beings play. As I sit here half-anticipating that the guy, who contacted me through an online dating site, will call me tonight, I wonder what it is that makes all of us hate this game and yet we keep playing it? I can’t help but play one of the last scenes from “Me and You and Everyone We Know” over and over again in my head — the scene in which Miranda July’s character is angry and frustrated that the shoe store guy doesn’t call so that they can “start their lives together”. That film really speaks volumes about what technology has done to society and human relations. Are we really so detached from another human being that we can’t pick up the phone just to call them and make a feeble attempt at a connection? What’s holding us back from making something happen? Isn’t that, after all, what we want?

What are these games that we play that seem intentionally to sabotage a potentially brilliant connection between two human beings? Are we really that afraid to give ourselves in whole to someone else? Sometimes I wish I could just walk into the middle of a relationship. No games. No “is he going to call, or should I call?” games. No “what does this mean?”. No “where is this going?”. None of that. I want to go into a relationship immediately knowing that we’re on the same page and that we’re going to have fun for a while. Maybe it will last and maybe it won’t. But at least we’ll always know what page we’re on. Maybe we can order take out and snuggle in front of a couch. For a first date. That’s how comfortable I wish we could all be with the person we are interested in pursuing. Why do we have to go through those awkward steps of coffee, dinner, a show, more dinner, etc.? Can’t we get past these clichés and get to the really good stuff? Some people will argue that the first few dates of a relationship are the most exciting ones, and they might be right — to a certain extent. I want the feeling of stability and knowing that we’re on the same page. Those people will also argue that the nearer you approach that stability, that routine of emotions, the nearer you approach the end. And those people might be right about this also — to a ceratin extent. I’d like to argue that the routine is what I want, and if we were both on the same page from very beginning as I’ve been arguing, then the end would never arrive. And if it did, we would both know it at the same time and yes, it would be painful, but we would know that it was time. As I have never been in a real relationship I guess I have very little upon which to base my argument, but I’d like to think that there’s someone out there who wants to be on the same page just as much as I do.

So as I leave this entry, I’d like to walk away thinking that somewhere out there, there is a guy who knows exactly what he wants and wants to get to the good part just as much as I do. If you’re there, please come soon.

A lot of recap, a little analysis

Boy, my promises of keeping up with a blog are definitely worthless. But I recently decided to come back to this blog because I believe that I need an emotional outlet and a place to really think about things without fearing judgement or disappointment. I am one of those people who like to bottle up emotions and who will probably end up getting cancer or a heart attack.

The academic year has started and is well into its first month. I am a little disappointed by it though, I have to admit. First of all, my residents are ridiculous — they are antisocial, unappreciative and sometimes just downright rude. I often wonder if I should continue this job in my senior year. I guess time will tell (and it might not even be within my control). Second of all, none of my classes are blowing me away. Last semester when I took MidEast history, I loved every second of it and loved knowing that I was learning so much about the world of which most people had zero comprehension but pretended that they did. Now I can actually formulate an educated opinion on the MidEast conflicts. But this semester, although the courses seemed intersted when I picked them, they are as dry as shredded wheat. I can barely sit through them and a lot of the reading is simply uninteresting. It is a pity because I know how interesting all these subjects can be if the information was simply conveyed in a different manner. Third of all, I am a little stressed out by applying to study abroad programs since the deadlines are approaching and I don’t seem to have anything lined up. I am meeting with my advisor on Tuesday to discuss a recommendation letter, but I still need to approach my current French instructor who I don’t know well at all. I am still very self-conscious about my French skills, especially in regards to vocabulary, but I sincerely feel that I am ready to immerse myself in the culture and finally to learn the language properly on its home soil. I feel I am at the point in which I can only further improve my skills in the country and that classes can no longer provide me with what I really need to become proficient in the language.

As for my quarter-life crisis, I think I can say that I am 80% over it. Maybe 85%. First of all, I have decided to join the Peace Corps, preferrably in China or a French-speaking African country. Upon completion of service, I’d like to join the Foreign Service and become a diplomat. And as I make these plans, I know that they are not permanent, and I am ok with this. And being ok with this is definitely a big step for me seeing as how far I have come in the last two years. It is more than I can say for many people here. I understand that I probably may not stay in the Foreign Service for the rest of my life because I’d like to eventually either write a novel or start my own company, or both. Hopefully when I square away my financial situation, I’ll be able to be my own boss for a change. But that, of course, is far into the future — further than I can even wrap my mind around at the moment. Second of all, I finally (half) broke my year-long dry spell. I say “half” because I didn’t have sex but I made out with a law student at the neighborhood bar. I felt absolutely accomplished and it definitely elevated my self-confidence. Now, I realize that I sound like a mindless girl who has no real self-appreciation, but you have to understand that I was at a very low point for a very long time (just read my last post). Having had that encounter made me more aware of how I can be and who I am in reality — that I am an attractive person, both inside and out. Now I sound like an after-school special… Well, the point is, I am much more confident in myself and I think that others have taken note of this as well, so it is very satisfying. I’d like to think that my next relationship is not too far away. Keep your fingers crossed.

As it is getting late and as I need to get up early tomorrow, I will sign off at this. Hopefully I will continue to write more because I realize that I do need an emotional outlet and a place to put my thoughts. Good night.