Haha, so much for my vow of keeping up with this blog because all of my previous blogs have died due to long-term negligence. I’m so bad. I almost couldn’t even add an entry because I’d forgotten the password. Although I do have quite a bit on my mind that I would like to unload on to this blog, I will start off by doing some short term updates to catch up. Tomorrow, I’d like to write an extensive entry about the current MidEast Crisis. But not today.
I have been getting very lonely recently. It hit me a few weeks ago that I really, really miss intimacy with another person, more precisely, with a man. Up until then, I had not really given it more thought than, “Damn, I need to get laid.” But now I’m thinking, “Damn, I wish I had someone to hold and who would hold me.” And it’s more of a spiritual and emotional connection that I am yearning for more than a quick fuck. It’s gotten to the point where it actually depresses me at certain points of the day. This has never happened before. Before when I never had a boyfriend, I had always told myself that I would be too busy even if I had one to truly cherish the relationship. And for the most part, during the academic year, this is true. However, now I feel like I’d like to juggle more things and make more sacrifices for a relationship to happen and to maintain. But without any opportunities in the foreseeable future, I fear that I will be alone for a long time to come. And that worries me. It makes me question myself. What’s wrong with me? Am I just simply unattractive? Do I have a dysfunctional personality? Am I really that male-repellant? What’s wrong?? And I just don’t understand it. Neither can anyone else answer these questions. C’est bizarre.
However, I suspect that it is not as much within myself that is the problem but more how I am not presenting myself very well. Or promoting myself, like a product. I am not necessarily sending out signals that I’m looking for someone, so that might be the cause of my inaction. No guy feels welcome to speak to me since I send out apathetic vibes. This is weird because I don’t know how to correct this. I don’t know how else to present myself as when I don’t know someone, I’m rather timid and reticent. The other person has to open me up. And thus, I wonder if “the other person” simply isn’t interested enough to make this effort. And therefore, I am back to square one — wondering, “Is it my personality? My looks? What makes this person not want to make the effort?”
It’s a vicious cycle of questions that circle my mind. And in the end, I am left lonely, sexually frustrated, and emotionally starved. Je suis tellement confusée. Y quelqu’un qui peut me dire la vérité de la situation??
