Perhaps this decision to come home for the summer to work at a boring, meaningless job (but for good pay) is a subconcious revelation of where my state of mind is. Instead of taking a position that might actually help in the long run in terms of applying to law schools and understanding the law profession in general, I took a pointless administrative position at an engineering firm. Maybe it’s my subconcious telling me that I’m simply not ready to start working in a field I think I should be working in. Who is to say that this is the field I should be working in anyway? Maybe I’m just not ready to make such a decision. I certainly don’t feel ready to pin down my lifelong career just yet. It’s hard to tell who exactly you are just by going to school for 15 years. I need some other elements in order to do some self-investigation. How can I possibly know what I like if I haven’t even given myself the opportunity to explore?
I’m beginning to think that I might not go into law like I’d planned. And I’m beginning to be surer and surer of my decision to join the Peace Corps after graduation, or any other nonprofit group for that matter. I can’t bear the thought of myself living a life that never includes giving back to people. Sure, I want to be successful and live a comfortable life. Who doesn’t? But I want to be sure that I do it the right way. My way. At this point, I figure it’s pointless to plan how I’m going to spend the rest of my life. So far, I have it planned for the Peace Corps. But after that, anything can happen. I know I have many skills, both technical and interpersonal, so I could probably go into any industry that would be willing to hire me and still be successful. So I’m not worried about that. What I’m really worried about is choosing the right one.
This journey is purely personal, not professional at all. And for once in my life has it been like this. I’ve planned my every move ever since I could remember, from what I wanted to be to which classes I wanted to take over the course of three years. But now I’d like to change that. Now I’d like to focus on what I want and what makes me really happy, and not what I think I should do. Every time I’m reminded of how many problems there are on this earth, I am reminded of how crucial it is for me to get involved. Sure, I can’t change the world, or even make a dent, but I’d like to at least know that I tried. 100 years from now, nobody will remember or even know that I existed, but when I die, I’d like to know that I spent time on this earth trying to preserve and better it, not only to forward my own agenda. After all, if I’m only pushing my own agenda, after I die, what does it matter? Whereas, if I actually succeed in some way in trying to better this world, it affects a lot of things and people. At least I’ll know I tried.
Life is too short to live purely for personal gain. There has to be more.
