Breaking Apart Slowly

It’s 2009.  Do you know where your life is?

I realized last night that it’s been a year since I graduated from college.  Almost, maybe another week or so.  But a year ago today, if someone had told me that my life would be this, I would’ve scoffed at the idea. If someone had told me that I would work at a meaningless and intellectually degrading job, I would have scoffed. If someone had told me that I would feel lonelier than I’ve ever felt my entire life, I would have scoffed. If someone had told me that there was nothing that would help me get up in the morning, I would have scoffed. Basically, my life is nothing that I thought it would be a year after graduating from college. And it sucks. And it hurts. Every morning I wake up, and I have nothing to look forward to for the day.

I feel as if I’m stuck between something that had been great and something that could be great. I am considering postponing the LSAT, yet again. I have improved substantially since the last time I took it, but I still don’t feel confident enough to hit my target score, which is 170+.  I can’t help but feel like I’m trying to reach for the moon, but the furthest I can reach is the ozone layer. That’s pretty much how I have felt for most of my life, and I hate this feeling. I hate that nothing ever comes easily to me. I have to spend the summer prepping for this test, instead of being able to enjoy the sun and the outdoor drinks without feeling guilty that I’m not studying. I had planned on working on my personal statement over the summer, but now I have to do that and study for the LSAT. Nothing is unfolding the way I thought it would, and it really sucks.

Everyday I feel like a part of me really just wants to break down and cry, but with the hustle and bustle of going in and out everyday, it’s like I don’t have the time. And on weekends or at night, when I’m alone, those are the times I really feel like there are tears at the edge of my eyes. There’s not a single day that passes when I have felt anything remotely close to the optimism and ambition that I felt almost everyday during my time in college.  I have lost a part of myself since I graduated from college.  Nothing is at all what I had imagined it to be. How did this happen?

#41

I haven’t properly blogged in a really long time, but that’s mainly because so many of things I’ve had to deal with have been extremely painful to think about, let alone to write about. I try to compartmentalize a lot of the negative emotions I feel every single day at work, so that when I come home, I can just sort of hide in my own world and try to do what I need to do (e.g. study for the LSAT).  I haven’t had the energy or the time, really, to see anybody, which has definitely taken a toll on my psyche and emotional health. I have never felt as lonely as I do now, and I have never felt as homesick as I do now. There have been many times during the day when I feel like catching the next flight back to the West Coast, crawling into my bed at home, and curling up into a fetal position for weeks. If I could do that, I think I could release all of this pent-up fatigue and frustration. I hate to admit it, but the stress of being alone after college — without any family or friends nearby — is starting affect me deeper than I thought it ever could. I hate to be one of the statistics of  young people who can’t handle the Real World, but alas, I am one in a million. It kills me.

For the past few weeks, CPB has reverted back to her manipulative ways, and the firm has failed to address successfully this problem. She was not reprimanded in any way, and if anything, she seemed to be in the right. It seems that my advocacy and voice fell on deaf ears. Some have encouraged me to try again, and to make clear that this is a serious, recurring issue. But I am tired. I am tired of thinking about this. I am tired of having to deal with this. I am tired of trying to stand up for myself and have nothing come of it. I really, really, really just want to quit this job. I know there are 25 people lined up outside who would kill for this job, and you know what? They can have it. Every single one of them. Because I am sick of being treated like shit and sick of being invisible.  I know I don’t deserve this, so I need to create options for myself. I dont know when I can quit or what I’ll do when I quit, but I am hoping it is soon.

On top of all of this, I am studying for the LSAT yet again. I have exactly two months left, and I am not anywhere near where I need to improve on this exam. I am constantly frustrated at the lack of time and energy I can devote to this exam because of the ridiculousness I need to deal with at work. The last thing I thought I’d need to worry about for the next two years ended up being the primary concern of my everyday life. This is completely uncalled for, and I can’t help but feel like a 3-year-old crying, “Life isn’t fair!” But I am. And that is truly how I feel. I am sick of feeling this way. I am sick of things not being handed to me. Since high school, I have always felt that I needed to work 10x as hard as everyone else just to keep up and be in the 50th percentile. I am sick of having to work so hard just to be mediocre. Why can’t things just come to me naturally?

I have so many things that are constantly becoming a nuisance in my life that the thought of having a long distance relationship with Brian is starting to strain and sour. It’s not that I don’t like him anymore, and it’s not that I don’t want to see him, but the fact that he is so far away almost makes it easy to forget that this relationship even exists. I am so absorbed in all of these things in front of me that I am honestly incapable of thinking about him as an entity. I know that sounds utterly selfish and ridiculous, but that is how I feel. It’s hard to even plan on seeing him on a certain weekend when I don’t even know how much time I’ll have to myself to study during the week. If I see him, I’ll get no studying done, and I can’t afford that right now, especially if I’m not accomplishing as much as I want during the week.

Little things about him are also starting to bother me. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m just getting stressed out and frustrated over my own life, and now I’m just nit-picking. I probably am, which is why I haven’t voiced any of these complaints, because I know they’re probably just remnants of  frustration and anger from my own life. I know I can’t take it out on him, but it’s hard to see it that way when you’re thinking about things in such a negative way. It bothers me that he hasn’t really offered any real advice in terms of how I should go about the CPB situation. It bothers me that he keeps asking me when he can see me when he clearly knows that I am absorbed in studying for this test. I almost want to say, “Look, you’re not going to law school; I am.  This is the rest of my life. I don’t even know if you’ll be in my life a year from now, but this test determines the rest of my life. I’m sorry, but this is way more important than you.” But of course, I can’t say that. It would be disastrous and teleport me straight to hell. 

All in all, my life is in shambles, and I’m not sure what the hell I’m supposed to do about it.

I was talking to my good friend Kim today, and she asked me whatever happened between me and Vicky. I guess I neglected to ever share that story with Kim, even though I thought I had. Retracing that story and re-analyzing that story made me think about Vicky all over again. Not in the obsessive way that I did before, but just the general feeling of regret and sadness that I was never able to reconcile with Vicky. I really did care about her and wanted so badly for things to return to normal between us, but it really was impossible. And I hate that. I shared so many good memories with her, and I wish I could still talk to her and get advice from her, especially during this time. It would just be so good if I could reconnect with her and some of her other friends. I really need as many connections as I can get in this city right now. I feel so fucking alone. I can’t stand this. I can’t stand the fact that I have no family on the East Coast. I can’t stand the fact that if I’m feeling like shit, I can’t just take the train or bus home for the weekend to recuperate. Instead, I have to go home to my little apartment and dwell over the emotions without having anyone to lean on. It is so fucking lonely. I am so fucking lonely.

Crossing a Line

After all these months, I finally did something about CPB. I finally spoke up and defended myself against an unreasonable, petty tyrant.  A couple of days ago, we had another confrontation in her office, in which, as always, she accused me of not doing my job and not listening to her directions. She proceeded to end the conversation in the most immature way — told me to “try harder” and turned away from me to end the conversation. It was like arguing with a teenager. The next day, as we tried to “constructively” continue the conversation, I continued to defend myself against her accusations and claims, all of which were unsubstantiated — not to mention, after the fact. She drew up examples from weeks prior, but at the time, had not made any of her opinions known at the time. Thus, it was impossible for me to know that she was unhappy with anything until this reckless confrontation. When I spoke up to defend myself, I think I pressed a button in her that pushed her over an emotionally unstable edge that she had never gone across. She ended up crossing a line on every level possible — professional and personal. She drew up personal attacks and even threatened my job security. She called me “selfish” and “narrow-minded” and told me that if I involved any “higher level people” that it would “not be in my best interest.” Mind you, my job security depends very little on her say. You could say it doesn’t, actually. I work for the partners and the client, not her.

Anyway, after sleeping on it and speaking to my co-workers about it, I decided to tell the office manager about the confrontation and the months of abuse that I and my coworker have had to endure since August. The office manager was efficient in getting the hiring partner involved, and told me that I should never find myself in that situation. She truly championed for me and my coworker, and for that, I am relieved. I was afraid that she and the hiring partner would take CPB’s word over mine, but I came to the conclusion the night before that if that were the case, it would be confirmation for me to leave the firm. However, she was completely supportive and efficient in getting the information across to the partners. 20 minutes, the hiring partner went into CPB’s office and talked with her for a good half hour.

I have yet to see what the real consequences of my actions were, but I have hope that things will improve from now on. And if anything else, I can walk away knowing that I stood up for myself and didn’t stand by as someone bullied me into staying quiet about an unhealthy work environment. In a way, I am glad that she crossed that line the day prior because it gave me the initiative and the proper ammunition to take action. Her personal attacks were unjustified on every level, whether or not I have been doing my job. I don’t expect or even want an apology from her; it was the principle that I championed. I had to stand up for myself because even though I am on the bottom of the office totem pole, so to speak, I have a right to be respected and to work in a healthy environment. If you want to have a professional conversation, then be constructive. Nobody talks to me that way, and I finally did something about it.

On Friday, I felt like I won one for the little guy.

Something New

Things with Brian are going so well. He makes me laugh, is loving, considerate, and the sex has only gotten better by the weeks. I feel as if we have known pone another for a long time and not just a month. I amincredibly comfortable around him and do a lot of things for and with him that I have never done with anyone else at this early stage of any relationship. I actually look forward to us solidifying a relationship and not afraid or commitment at all. I have not felt this way for anyone. Ever.

Fatal Flaws

I admit that this recent episode was my fault, but at the same time, I don’t believe that I should take 100% of the blame.  Often I try to let things roll off my back and not dwell on them too much probably because 1) I’m afraid to confront the truth and 2) I know that if I don’t, my thoughts will be consumed by them.  I am very much prone to obsessing over things, which is why I try whenever I can to nip them at the bud. Sometimes I’m successful, and other times it’s a real struggle (see: Vicky).  Perhaps my two fatal flaws are being simultaneously overly passive and overly aggressive.

I visited my friend Lynn over the long weekend, which eventually led to a full blown, drunken argument at the end of the last night I was there. It was completely blown out of proportion on both our parts, but I was the one who committed the fatal fault of calling her a “fucking idiot,” which she held against and probably will hold against me for a while. Now, I think with my other friends, like Diana, they would probably forget the whole thing by morning time and write it off as a drunken, irrational argument where people said things they didn’t mean. At least that’s what I did. But not Lynn. She held it against for the last two days and made sure I knew exactly what she was thinking of me. I tried the best I could clarify my stance, apologize for my behavior, and to see things from a sober perspective. I felt that I had outlined my arguments clearly and fairly. The response I received was so intense, so rigid, and so… callous.  It was not a response you would expect from a friend who can forgive and forget and rise above a ridiculous, intoxicated situation. It has been bothering me for the last 12 hours, and I’m not sure why. It might actually be the first time in a long time that I’ve encountered an argument with a friend in which a sincere and heartfelt apology was taken in such a disregarded manner. I know she was furious with me, but my apology was obvious and deliberate, so I’m not sure what the problem was.  Maybe I’m a little taken aback by the fact that a person whose friendship I valued was unable to overlook 20 minutes of a drunken argument in favor of 2 years of a meaningful friendship. In my view, a true friend is able to look past a petty situation, take into account the mental state of said situation, mindfully accept a sincere and deliberate apology, and move on. By the end, I felt as if I were in the middle of a relationship fight, not a friendship fight, and I had no words left.

Although I think we’ve resolved our differences and moved past this particular episode, I have a feeling that I won’t be talking to or seeing Lynn for a while.  I walked away from the resolution feeling a bit… jipped. I know I had overreacted and hit below the belt with my comment, but what led me to that mental state wasn’t completely of my own doing. She had an equal hand in all of this. I am not going to try to analyze rationally and logically what went on during that argument because, honestly, drunken arguments aren’t meant to be revisited in a rational and logical way. They are meant to be tossed aside as momentary lapses of judgment. Regardless, even though I voiced these concerns and made clear what offended me in the first place, she cast them aside and focused on the end result of my comment. Fair enough it was a shitty and thoughtless comment, but how we got there deserves to be looked at as well, doesn’t it?  

This whole episode just reminded me of the temper problem that I am constantly struggling with. I hate blaming situations like this on PMS, but I think it really is PMS this time, as I got my period yesterday. It’d been a long time since I “saw red,” so this really caught me off guard. I was, of course, embarassed by my behavior, which is probably the sole reason I wanted this to roll off my back and to be forgotten with. I really have to work on being mindful of situations like this when I know that my temper can flare and I can say something that I regret. Things like this happened with Spencer all the time toward the end of our relationship, and I vowed never to let it happen with anyone else I dated. Even though Spencer was an asshole in the end, I still shouldn’t have acted the way I did with him. Friends are no different, but I need to remember times like these so that Brian, or anyone else I date in the future, doesn’t become victim to this sort of abuse. Because really, this is abuse — verbal and emotional abuse.